Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis stella: dancing in limbo

Hi CMNM, thank you for posting to me!



I guess I'm not asking because remember that with MLC we cannot speed up the process, but we can always slow ir down, by cornering them into answering our questions, for instance...



I can do that. The problem is, we have to communicate sometimes,so we do - quite calm and friendly - and then he manages to say something to give me hope again. My fault, I know, shouldn't have had any expectations. But I cannot help seeing progress: September our S starts, he says he never comes back, wants D. October, he says he doesn't wantb a D, starts calling more often. November, calling every day, visiting once a week, says he doesn't love OW. December, I try to limit calls and visitations, he persists. January - he tells me he's going to dump OW, he loves me, and then starts running and hiding. Feb - nothing, nada.

May be I can set a secret deadline, for myself, not for H, and just let him stew until then. Oh well, I cannot think clearly at the moment with all the emotions running amok.

thanks (((all))) for your support!

I cant believe I missed your thread, sorry
You and Lisa both popped up lately, it must this time of the year again, just about right, a year ago we were having soooo much fun... I missed you too.

So, you want my 2 cents on this? But I am not going to be in a very DBing mode. Here it is: Your H is spineless just as most WAHs here, he thought the grass was greener but he realized it isnt really. He has got himself trapped, probably has promised the OW a lot more than he is willing to give, still loves you but isnt man enough to end it once and for all with her and make a fresh start with you. As long as he feels you 'waiting" he is not going to find the courage to end it with her unless she makes a big mistake, push him for something or cheat on him (would serve him good btw). So my suggestion is, move on as you have been trying to do, make sure he feels it and consider him gone. If that wakes him up, fine, if not, then it's time to cut your losses and be happy again. We have a tendency to excuse and explain why they act the way they do but the truth is they are grown ups and should be able to behave as grown ups. Face the consequences for their actions.
Love
K

Do you know OW? What is she like? Single, divorced, kids?

Hey, ((((Kalni mou))))!

I only have a minute now - so:

OW is single (Dd), my age, useless, manipulative, clingy and DESPERATE for a man in her life. No children, no career, needless to say no morals. She will fight tooth and nail to keep her prey. Apparently, smart. That's all I know.

Yes, spineless men !

Talk to you later, love!

So, Lisa is back?!

((((Oh Stella)))),

H is doing it to you again. You know what you have to do. You have to go dark until he completely ends it with OW once and for all. Do not allow H to keep drawing you back into his drama.
Please take care of yourself first Stella.

Hi Stella,

Glad you see you back on the boards!! Just wanted to say hi & let you know I'm thinking about you!!

What your H is doing would drive me crazy too & I'd probably do the same thing you are doing. Hang in there & do what is right for you!!!

((((HUGS))))

(((((Addie))))! (((((nlt))))!

I'm so happy to "see" you, guys!

Remember, how much time we used to spend on the boards?!

Yes, Addie, H is doing it again. It is strange, how I have this urge to defend him, still! MLC takes everything from these men (and women) - their careers, their dignity, their principles - everything goes.

I feel like I constantly have to remind myself of the great guy he used tobe, not to let this person go into oblivion.

Now I'll tell you what I've done yesterday. We have a MF of many years who fought ferociously against H moving in with OW (H confided in him a lot back then). He has stopped all the contact with H since H started living with OW. H seemed not to notice MFs abscence from Hs life.
Then two weeks ago H has asked me about MF, how he's doing and whether I see him sometimes. I said, he's fine and yes, I do, why? H said, just so. A couple of days ago he asked me again: have you heard from MF recently? Once again, out of the blue.
As far as I remember, there is "reconnection with old friends" in the last stage of MLC. So I started wondering - why all of a sudden H is so interested in MF's whereabouts?
So yesterday I called MF and asked him over for dinner. Of course we spoke about H most of the time. MF says he still cannot believe H's choice. When I tild him about H's recent "decision" to dump the OW and come back, MF said H reminds him of a little boy "playing outside" and not noticing that he's frosen, hungry and tired. But as long as his Mom is calling him , he's wanting to stay and play just a bit longer.
I said, I'm not calling him anymore.
Anyway, I ended up asking MF to initiate contact with H and see if H wants to talk. MF said, he will do it for me.
Unfortunately, he's leaving the town for two weeks, so he'll call H when he's back.
Meanwhile I'm going to stay away from H as much as possible.
I didn't return his last two calls and I have no intention to see him any time soon.

And I feel much better .

(((((Hugs)))) to all.

Hello (((all))).

I want to share a story, I find it inspiring!

I've met my childhood friend last week, we were very close since pre-school and then we've lost track of each other for nearly 15 years. A few years ago someone told me my F was Dd. She got M very early, she was only 20 and her H was 19. I loved them both and the news saddened me very much. However when we'met she mentioned her H casually as if they were still together. Of course I wanted details!

Now yesterday she came over for tea. It turned out her H had a MLC in 2001, after 25 years of M.
Pink and orange shirts, new car, secret account (while she and D17 were struggling), alien look, OW, you name it. He kept lying about the A for a year, then OW CALLED my F (!), the truth came out and her H left. My friend pushed for D and in 2002 it was final (now she says she regrets it).

And then she started DBing! My F never heard of DB, she just felt like it was right thing to do. She had terrible meltdowns, but never in front of her H. He was coming over all smartened up and acting a very happy man. She acted as if, listened to him, validated his feelings ("you never loved me. Your D was first, then your Mom, then your cat" ) and GAL. D17 took it so badly, she refused to speak with her dad. They were both devastated, but slowly it started to get easier for both of them. She met a guy who was very much interested in her but she turned him down, told him she's still in love with her H. I guess it helped her PMA though. During the 4th year of separation F and D moved into a new home. By then D was in college and was sharing a flat with friends, so my F was pretty much on her own.

Two weeks after the move, H came over and wanted to stay a night. She never asked a que - what a woman! - but let him stay in a spare room. He remained there for a few days, no R talk, nothing. Obviously very much embarassed. My F went about minding her own business and pretty much ignoring his presence. Finally he received a phone call, spent an hour locked in the room with his cell and left. All that without a word. A week later he reappeared, carrying a suitcase, went right into his room and stayed there for another week. His wife kept ignoring his presence, being friendly but distant, offering him dinner when she was cooking, never asking a thing.
After 3 weeks of going back and forth (every time bringing more of his stuff), he stayed. After a while he asked my F if she'd remarry him and she said NO. She explained that the D hit her so hard, she just won't be able to survive another one. I think she wanted to make sure he's back for real.
It's been 3 years now and they're still together and they're good! The only thing which is not so good is that he took to drinking while in MLC and he's still drinking too much...
My F has told me: Stella, now is YOUR time, try to enjoy it. I understand that you want your H back so badly, you can hardly think about anything else. But once your H's back, you start missing the "Me" time a lot!

Next week I'm going to their place for dinner and staying overnight, I'm so curious to see them together! May be I can even talk to him separately and hear his part ogf the story.

wow ! great story ! I'm happy for your friend, and it just goes to show, miracles DO happen ! x

Stella,
What an inspiring story! Thank you for sharing it with us. It will give many LBS's much needed hope.

Thank you, Cinders :)!

I think it was also a miracle that she could do all the right things by herself, just following her gut feelings!

Happy Valentine's, everyone!