Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My situation #9

Yesterday afternoon my W called me and said she wanted to go to her SIL's house. She said her SIL's friend was going to be there and she's D. My W said she was having a hard time and said it was helpful to talk to women who have been through it. She asked if I would watch the kids so she could go. I told her no problem.

So I picked up the kids and we ate dinner at my brother's house. I took them home and was giving them a shower (once in a while they like to play in the shower instead of a bath) and she called me. I told her I had them in the shower and asked if I could call her back. She said, "I'm going to spend the night here and then come home and change then go to work." I got silent and was thinking. Then she said, "Hello?" I told her I was thinking.

Then I said I thought it was disrespectful and irresponsible for her to call me at 7pm and tell me this. I said I have to be at work at 7am and I can't take the kids to school. In order for me to do that I have to clear it with my boss before hand. She then said, "Can't you go to work at 7:30?" I told her no - my day starts at 7. I said I didn't think she would be happy with me if I did this to her. She then said, "I already told you I was thinking about staying at my mom's a couple days this week." And I said, yeah but we didn't discuss it and plan it.

She got short with me and we got off the phone. I put the kids to bed and was watching TV when the phone rang about 9:45. It was my W and she told me she was on her way home. She said she was tired and she never gets good rest sleeping over other people's houses.

When she got home she came upstairs and told me, "You were right. I shouldn't have asked you about tommorrow morning." And that was it. Then she got ready for bed and went into her room.

I was pissed off because of the way she presented it on the phone. At least in the afternoon she asked me if it was ok for her to go to her SIL's and if I could watch the kids. When she called to stay over she was telling me what she was doing instead of asking me if it was ok. As long as we're together she has to still answer to me and I to her. This telling me what she's going to do doesn't fly with me.

Anyway I got over it before she was even coming home. She has turned it a completely selfish person.

Journaling:

On Sunday my W said she had to work on a report from school and also on the information she had to work on for a request for information my L sent regarding the court order. So I spent all day Sunday taking care of the kids while she stayed in her room. She only came out when it was time to put the kids to bed.

Later on that night she started talking to me about how she was stressed and hard it was on her typing the report about the court order. She said she was having to relive it and remember the conversationgs we had that got ugly last year.

She went to her room and I went in there a little while later. I told her I would talk to my lawyer and see if I could get him to postpone the date it was due. I felt bad for her. (stupid me)She thanked me. I am not a dick and I'm not going to start acting like on. I am a really nice guy and I'm going to stay true to myself no matter what she says or does. I've gotten alot of people telling me to just screw her and not do nice things for her - but that's not me and I'm not going to start acting like that.

I called my L yesterday and talked to him. I told him about pushing the date off and he said he thought we should keep the pressure on. This is what will get her to settle with a deal that would be good for me. I told him she was having a hard time and I still care about her. He told me to think with my head and not my heart. He said the judge set the date because she wants that information. I also talked to him about what my W and I discussed about an agreement. We set an appointment for next Wed to talk.

And yesterday I got the prescription for the CPAP machine. So I should be getting that in the next few days. It should help me get better sleep and wake up feeling more rested. I sure hope so.

have you checked the possibility of an OP???

Thought about it last night. When she called at 7:00 it was from her brother's phone on the caller ID. But I was just thinking earlier today about the possibility of an OP. My gut is starting to chime in about it. But I'm not sure. She certainly doesn't have enough time to spend with someone - but that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

ahh..not much time is needed..IMO..

that is like a drug..get the fix..then chill..get the fix..then chill

I would watch..but not let my mind run wild..I would be wary..

Yeah I'm being wary of it now Mike. I know it doesn't take much time. But I'm definitely going to look into it further.

Just don't go overboard with looking Ken, once you start looking your mind fills in the blanks when you find something out of the ordinary and you don't know all the facts.

And she has plenty of time at work to email and talk on the phone plus meet someone for lunch. Also she could be texting someone at night while you are in your room. Been there done all that in my sitch.

Take care,

Tim

Actually it doesn't really matter. If she is doing it that won't change anything. It would only give me grounds for divorce and an opportunity to character asassinate her. I don't want to do either one.

Last night she went to al-anon with her mom. When she came home she said her mom is going to go anymore. I laughed inside. They are a family who can't look at themselves and see their flaws and change them. My W is the same way. Whenever a C started to shine a light inside her she always stopped going. But that's neither here not there.

Yesterday I got into it with my W on the phone. My frustration and anger came out (but did it non-emotionally) and I let her have it double barrel - the lying/manipulating/exagerating/embelishing the truth, her attempts to manipulate me, etc... It was nice to get it off my chest. Most of the stuff I hit she had nothing. She has been taking advantage of me and has been disrespectful and I had to stand up for myself.

Anyway, that's the update.

Journalling (so I have a record of it)

On Sunday (3/22) my W was in the front room of our house talking on the phone about the things we were working on for the agreement. She was talking to whoever it was about visitation including the two overnights I wanted. The kids were in the room with her, and I thought it was inappropriate for her to talk about that stuff in front of the kids.

Last night I let my W bait me into another small argument. When will I learn? That's even after yesterday thinking to myself, "I won't let her bait me into an argument anymore." lol

She asked me how I phrased the party situation to my brother and SIL. I didn't really understand what she was getting at so I asked her to clarify her question. She was concerned about them thinking she didn't want to invite them to a party for my D. I told her I don't remember exactly what was said. The issue was when we were planning the party my W was talking about inviting my SIL's parents (who are close to us too - kind of like surrogate grandparents since my parents died).

I told her I didn't think they would come. She asked me, "What, they aren't too happy with me?" I said no they aren't. Then she asked about my brother and SIL. I said no one in my family is too happy - that's what happens in these situations. If the roles were reversed I don't think your family would be too happy with me. (I think I posted this stuff when it happened)

She then said to me that she was goint to talk to my SIL herself and she shouldn't have even asked me. She said it really wasn't any of my business. I thought this was funny since she's the one that asked me.

So I went upstairs. She came up and then started in again. She said, "I don't get it. You say you remember conversations we had last year but you can't remember a conversation you had last week." She said, you say you remember conversations you had when you were drunk and on Abilify - I said, you were drunk too. You were drinking every day. She said, I thought we weren't supposed to bring up the past.(Referring to a comment I said to her the other day about letting go of the past because it's dead and the only life it has is the energy she gives it in her head). I said she's the one that brought the past up.

We argued a bit in a he said/she said - waste of time. I even brought up how she wrote in that court order that I was aggitated during the tape recording incident when she was the one who was aggitated and called my SIL and started in with her. She said, "Of course I was aggitated." Then she said

Then she went to her room. A little while later I knocked on her door and opened it. Right after I knocked she said, "What??" - in a really nasty tone. Then she said, "Don't just come walking in until I tell you to come in. I could have been changing or something." I said she walks into my room whenever she wants to.

I told her some conversations are important and some aren't. I remember the ones that were important. That's how memory works. Then she said, "Don't give me a lesson on memory." At that point I just turned around and walked away, closing her door behind me. I guess I finally got it - not to get into this cr@p with her. As I was walking away she was still talking.

I let it all go and watched some TV, then went to sleep.

Journalling:

We are having a party for my D at her daycare for her birthday.
Yesterday afternoon my W called me and asked me if I was going to come. I told her I had to clear it with my boss and I wanted to go.

Then she said she had to ask me a favor. She said, "Don't talk about any relationship stuff or the stuff that's going on." I said, "That's no problem since I never bring this stuff up. You're the one who brings it up." She got aggitated but I didn't really care. Then she said she had to go and I said ok.

It's just her pushing my buttons, and me playing into it. I'm learning still.... Eventually I'll have it down pat.