Maybe... four days after that or something?? I think this past Thursday??? I called him to ask him for advice about negotiating for more scholarship. We were on the phone maybe 40 minutes. We talked about scholarship negotiation for a while... then I started telling him about the bigger picture of my questions about my direction in life and the school, etc etc. he made some very insightful observations. He said that it sounded like I hoped they'd give me more money because then I might want to go there more, and also, that it sounded like I was afraid of making a decision, afraid it would be wrong decision. I laughed and told him he was right on.
He also said something that struck me-- that when he looked back at his life and reflected on all the decisions he'd made that now he beats himself up over [or something like that], he has to remind himself that if he hadn't made those decisions he wouldn't be where he was today, even if he wished he'd made different decisions. Something like that...
The tone of the conversation was different--I don't know if he was tired (he had just gotten back from an insane weekend of rehearsing and performing somewhere in Ohio) or just fatigued of me using him to process my deepest Big Picture Questions, but while he seemed receptive to listening to me, he wasn't as eager to ask me questions and discuss as in the past 3 lengthy conversations. So I am definitely going to take a break from bombarding him with requests for Professional Career Advice.
He told me he needed to get going because he was supposed to go to a birthday party but he was so tired he wasn't sure if he wanted to go ... we joked about this. then something like this happened:
T: Hey, I'm sorry I keep calling you and having the same sort of conversation about my future over and over. I just really trust you and feel like you understand me and your advice is really valuable, so when we start talking I feel like I could talk to you for hours and hours, but maybe it isn't fun for you to always talk to me about my future! B: (sort of chuckling) No, it's OK. You're a good friend and it makes me smile [that I was struggling with my decision, and turning to him about it]. I'm really glad that you feel comfortable calling me to talk about it.
Finally, because email has worked best for this in the past, I emailed him the next day to let him know I'll be in NYC easter weekend & a few days afterwards. I also included an mp3 of a really beautiful balinese gamelan recording. The next day he emailed me back his reaction to the recording, and told me what days would work for him, asked me what times would work for me. I emailed him back two days later and am waiting to hear. I think if I don't hear from him I'll wait until I'm in NYC to contact him. It really and truly is a bonus if I get to see him, I'm already there to see 4 precious friends of mine (plus the 4 friends I have who live there year round). In the past I would have tried to push the meeting to earlier so I would have a chance of seeing him twice, this time I just told him what was open and he can pick what he wants. I'm tired of trying to control everything. Besides I'll be back in the area a month later for this music festival thing in New Jersey. But I might be seeing him next week! Good thing I have been planning my outfit for like... um... over a year!!!!!!!
I feel like we are really and truly in the "Friendship" stage now. I told a good RL friend of mine who is slowly inching towards reconciliation (I think she is somewhere between stage 2.5 and stage 3.5) that it feels weird to feel so comfortable with him, it's almost like the passion is gone because the drama is gone, or something, and she said that it's totally normal, and necessary, even though it's unexpected and sort of weird.
Oh!! Finally!!! I started doing an Anusara Yoga Immersion this weekend. I was at the yoga studio for like, 14 hours total between Sat and Sun. (don't worry--only 5 hours of it was actual yoga practice, the other stuff was lecture and discussion and snack breaks). IT WAS AMAZING. I FEEL AMAZING. And yesterday I went to this special yoga practice called "Eye of The Tiger"... 3 hours long, and pretty challenging. I did awesome! I even did some things I've never done before!!!
((((Jeff)))) thank you for reading! I do feel like there is still room in my dreams for him. But also, that this is a slow long slog, and I might as well be doing what I really want and going for what I really love, because if we're talking on the phone once a month, does it matter if i'm in bali or if i'm in london or if I'm in boston? does that make sense? My heart is open to him but I recently realized that letting go doesn't have to mean "stop caring", but it can mean, "stop trying to control everything." If he called me tonight and said, "I love you, I want you to move to new york," or, "I love you, I'm moving to wherever I think you will be," I would definitely think about it, but since I'm not expecting that to happen anytime soon, I am making my own plans and focusing on what I really want. Does that make sense?
((((ali)))) thanks so much for your thoughts! I read priya kale but I think I ended up talking to B a few days later. *for the record* I think that particular 90 minute conversation he called me. But it does feel good to feel like I can just call him. But, as you know, it took a long time to get here!!! It actually doesn't feel bittersweet. It actually just feels really good to be able to reopen the connection with him. Though, of course, I still fantasize about making wild love to him you know, at least daily!!!!
((((kalni))) hey sweet friend!!! I'm sorry I didn't post for so long--I have been trying to be more self-reliant in my decision making and interactions with B. I am hypothetically open to being interested in other people-- I mean, I'm 28, and I don't "know" that B's the right guy for me, given what's happened, and at many times I question if circumstances will ever permit reconciliation occur. I still love him, and really care about him, but at least on an intellectual level I'm aware that there might be other men out there for me. I am *hot* and *beautiful*, but most of the attention I get in atlanta is from nasty old guys--partly because I'm not really interacting that much with people in my age range in my current weird atlanta lifestyle, partly because I think guys are intimidated?? I dunno??? Maybe my Sex Chakra is blocked and guys can smell it??? Shrug????? When guys hit on me I don't usually write about it because usually it is a...weird guy and it doesn't make me feel that good.
((((julia)))) thanks for your loving thoughts! i am so proud of all your progress in your sitch too!!!
((((OD)))) I love your questions as always. I am feeling a lot more relaxed and natural. It is sort of like, f--- it!! What's the worst thing that could happen??
(((mishka)))) thanks for your encouragement!!! I've been thinking about you a lot, and I wanted to give you your own box!! The school isn't berklee, but longy. I have some friends who went to berklee though, and I went there for a summer workshop once. Can I tell you--the same thing that happened to you also happened to me? I auditioned at NEC when I was 17 and I totally lost control of my body. Really. It was so terrible, none of my teachers had really coached me on the psychology of preparing to perform vs. just preparing to play. I completely, utterly bombed the audition, and didn't get in to any of the music schools I appplied to. So I didn't do performance for my undergrad, and i had a HUGE inferiority complex about my abilities as a musician (esp in the "classical cello performance" arena) for a really long time. It took me years of working through my issues to get the guts to audition for my masters. And now just because I forced myself to perform all the time I really love performing now. (at least most of the time)
Don't beat yourself up about what happened to you. If my story is not enough, my dad gave up the guitar for ... 20 or 30 years? Right before I left for college he started playing again, just pulling it out and picking out tunes when everyone else was asleep. He started going to improv workshops, and slowly started jamming with people, attending shows, introducing himself to musicians, asking people over to jam at his/our house... now he is totally in the DC music scene and performs all the time. It is crazy. He is my hero. He went from totally blocked and rusty and frustrated to creating and performing all the time! you could do it too Mishka!!!! Have you read the book "the artist's way" by julia cameron? It is so amazing... about recovering from loss as an artist, and helping your creativity come back into your life, gently, slowly, juicy-ly. please get it!!!
I was also thinking... you know how a long time ago you said you were interested in yoga but you were afraid of looking like a beached whale? I know the yoga image is really intimidating-- like you have to be a 100 pound gymnast to do it or something. But seriously, any *good* yoga teacher will welcome ALL body types. You can read the descriptions and pick a class that seems the least intimidating. If you ever go to a yoga class and the vibe or the teacher makes you feel fat, it is a BAD TEACHER and a BAD CLASS!!! yoga is really, really, really for everyone!!! I just read this blurb in yoga magazine (I think the march issue) about this man who literally weighed 500 or 600 pounds. He started going to yoga class... he lost like 300 or 400 pounds!!!! So don't be scared!!!! And speaking of body stuff, I just found this awesome author, Geneen Roth. (Appetites, When Food is Love, When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair, etc) HIGHLY RECOMMEND. !!!! She decided to stop dieting completely and eat whatever she wanted, but only when she was hungry, and only food she really wanted to eat. So she gained some weight... and then she lost weight. And kept losing weight. And she has helped many others do the same. Her message is all about trusting your body instead of trying to control and deny it. It is so crazy, but so exciting!
And in your post to julia.... about never getting to go anywhere even though you are a travel agent... I know it is hard when you have kids, and I know finances are tight... but what little adventure can you give yourself? Can you make yourself an espresso and eat a special croissant (even if you can't go to paris)? Can you rent or check out from the library a movie set in a city you've always wanted to visit? Can you go on a 20 minute hike you've always wanted to take, but have been postponing? What can you do to feed your passion and imagination with the resources you have right now? We are good at baby steps here, right, but it is so easy to squelch our dream sprouts because we are looking for dream trees. I just noticed on the BB that you are very supportive other people's dreams and say that you wish you could do them too. What are 10 tiny steps you could take towards your own dream?
Congrats on the school success!!! God I envy you! You are in the most exciting phase in your life, making decisions for your future, enjoying LEARNING, progressing!!!
About B, it seems your/his careers have been good conversation topics. How about other things? Do you talk about other things? If not, can you include other issues in your "discussion agenda"? Proud of you! xxxx Love K
Hey T.. Wow, this is all so exciting!! WELL DONE! Amazing and they want to give you money to go there and lead others.. I think thats great and I hope you take it.. what else you going to do.. get into a quartet or something, or a group, like B and perform and travel? Or are you not ready for that yet?
I agree with K.. I was thinkining.. can the convo ever turn a little more personal? BUT.. brilliant that he responded straight awy to seeing you next week.. YAY! And yes, I read it all too.. because its an interesting read!! So... what IS this outfit you have planned???
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I just read it all. I love the fact that he is just so comfortable around you and is such an encouraging, supportive friend to you. I think the content of the conversations were spot on at the friendship stage. What do you reckon? Were you satisfied?
I think it was a really good conversation.
Quote:
No, it's OK. You're a good friend and it makes me smile [that I was struggling with my decision, and turning to him about it]. I'm really glad that you feel comfortable calling me to talk about it.
Doesn't this just sum it up! What a success!!
Congratulations on your acceptance to the music school!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fabulous news!! I love that you had the confidence to just call him with the good news too - think how you would have deliberated before! You took him at his invitation because you are both feeling more confident with each other. Keep building that confidence. I love the progress you have made in your sitch; it is always really gratifying to read.
Quote:
Both of these conversations had a very open, warm, intimate, genuinely deep friendship feeling.
I am SO happy and proud of the way you and B are interacting, and even more so that you're just doing it and not thinking about it too much. HUUURRRRRAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!! Your thread could be friendship101 these days! Isn't it such a huge difference compared to where we were this time last year? I'm so happy for all the progress you've made in your sitch, and also in your life in general.
I love that you called yourself hot and beautfil in your post to K. You really ARE hot and beautiful, and I'm sure it's not just the nasty old men who notice it (you know, I get the same thing- lots of old men come after me and not many more eligible ones!). The hot young ones all probably think that you get hit on all the time and are far too intimidated by your gorgeous talent-tastic-ness!
I hope you have a lovely easter weekend. I'm doing a Quantum Yoga retreat starting tonight- can't wait!
You really ARE hot and beautiful, and I'm sure it's not just the nasty old men who notice it (you know, I get the same thing- lots of old men come after me and not many more eligible ones!).
Uhhhhhmmmmm....... How old does one have to be to fall into that category?
