Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis "I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

Hi TOH, You don't have to tell him what you think he feels or thinks, you just have to know this for yourself.
I can understand that you get cross when he doesn,t answer the ph. to you but hey when was the last time you called in the middle of the night drunk?


Just stop wondering and start living your life for you and you are still giving ow too much room in your head I am afraid.
Do you think that if you go give him sex then he wont get it from her? is that helping towards a reconcilliation.
To be direct your marriage is for now dead and gone it appears.
Not to say it can't or wont be renewed at some point but not by just giving him booty calls,to my mind that just keeps him stuck where he is.
I think you are doing really well at times so again I say set a time that you will answer his calls then turn it off and get a good nights sleep-you can have sex in the daytime and sober so what have you got to lose by missing a call.
Stop wondering, when he knows he will let you know sober and in daytime.
Sorry to be harsh but I would hate for you to slide right back.
Pull out all that self respect and dertermination and let him go.

I do know this naej, and too why I haven't told him.


LOL True

Hard not to wonder, we are still sooo connected...

No, another reason I've been saying no

no, I agree with you, I too think that it keeps him stuck, I'm tired of being stuck in this "[censored]" hole. In order to find something different, I MUST DO something different. Hence, saying no.


are you saying sex daytime/sober is okay? I'm not so sure of this either. I know the opportunity is coming. Not sure how I'll handle it. To him I think at this point, sex is sex, not sure if that will change things either. I really think that sex (even though... ...I am soooo missing him) needs to be put off until there are some real changes.


Really trying to do this...

Hi TOH,
I just came over here from the newcomers board. I so understand what you are going through with your h acting like he still wants to be with you, but only when he wants too. I continued to have sex with h when he would come over, like we were still married. Then, he would ignore me or I knew that he was running around most days at least having an ea with someone else. I had sex with him last Monday for the last time while all of this is going on. I have resolved that I am not a prostitute or whore. You cannot tell me you love me, have sex with me, and then run around and do whatever you want. It made me feel like a cheap piece of garbage. Also, the more he doesn't have time to see our kids, but I know that he is going out to drink and play poker, work out every morning, etc. I begin to despise him. If he is going to work out a 7:30 each morning, why can't he come take our s8 to school instead? Priorities, that's why.
Stay strong, and don't give in. I will honestly answer the question that someone else asked about the sex. I did in the back of my mind think that if I kept doing it, it would keep him more connected with me and not go to ow for it. However, that is not enough and it makes me feel dirty. I do not even want him anymore, so who cares? I feel sorry for the girl/woman (I think in my case she's pretty young) that picks up this train wreck. He's not husband worthy right now. Good luck, TOH! Stay strong.

any advice???

A week or so ago, I heard that a little house across from H's was for sale. It is dirt cheap and the payments would be at least 1/2 of H's rent. I told him about it. Thought it might be worth checking in to. H blew me off like he wasn't interested. The other day BIL told me H had told him about it. He acted as thought he was interested and said that if he decided to leave, he would just give it to D17. ?!?!

Hasn't said one word to me about it.

Just now my mom called (she is friends with the lady selling it). She said H looked at the house yesterday. Even looked at her utility bills. ?!?! He hasn't said a word to me...

Do I ask him about this? Although I am the one that suggested it, I still have reservations about it. This would be a joint deal, does he realize that? We are still M. I'm kind of ticked and really wondering how to handle it.

Well another sign that TOH is learning and growing and now able to stand on her own two feet...H came we talked. It got into finances. I brought up the house. We discussed as "normal" M would do. Then I said "while we are on th subject, and I have been avoiding this because I know you are working, and I dont want to fight with you, But... if I cant make my bills that is my problem and i will deal with that, but I need $xxx a month from you, in child support and 1/2 the house pymt. In Feb I got $xxx and average for Jan/Feb was $xxx." he immediately got defensive and said "well I aint got it and I have to pay my bills." I said, "that's the problem, your bills are paid always on time, and mine have to wait or not get paid. And that's my problem except if this was legal I would get $xxx from you and I need that. Some of my Feb bills did not get paid and it is now middle of march. And I don't want to be a b*tch, or pressure you, and I realize you are working but here it is." he then calmed and we talked about it and he talked about some solutions. Then he sat down with me and we worked on some farm paperwork that has been laying here. And he said he'd call the insurance guy tomorrow that he's been putting off.

All in all we accomplished something FINALLY! It was a good 2 hour conversation and we walked away feeling good about it. At least I did.

Nice work. See how things can be when the anger is set aside?

You are learning quickly and I do hope that things settle down and turn around for you.

thank you snodderly

I pray that this is just one tiny baby step in that direction. I do know that my H is not coming home for a long time. He is really concidering buying that house. He would not be if he was thinking of coming home. And there are 4 things that I now know that I'll have to see from him if that is ever going to happen. I don't see those things now, not at all. For today I am okay I guess with that. Not what I want, but what has to be.

Today I also don't let those little things get my hopes up. 6 months ago any "good" interactions with H gave me such false hopes. Now I just chalk them up as "good" experiences, don't read anything else into them, and move onward.

For one of the very first times, H and I had a good interaction. And after he left, I am not sad, I am not "wondering", I am not more hopeful, I am just happy it was, and so proud of myself.

Good for you to recognize it just was what it is.

Saw this news and thought of you.
Future fields
The last line really says so much - Just sitting back and letting things happen to you is the worst thing you can do.

pretty quiet here. feeling kind of down. these warm beautiful days seemed to be so empty. I am wandering around finding things to do to keep me busy and try to keep my mind off H, but it is so hard. These days could be so special if he was here to share them with...but, it is what it is, I know...

Like seeing the first blue bird, or the first flowers pop, or finding a batch of kittens, calves being born, etc...no one here to share it with. Girls don't care, H would have before, now he is gone...

Sound pretty pathetic don't I? Can't help it.

Hi TOH,
No not at all, I think spring can have that affect on us, b/c all around we see life beginning to burst forth, buds, lambs,grass starting to grow. New life from the cold winter earth when all has seemed dead and dormant for so long.
It is natural to feel more alone, more nothing has changed for me.
To want to share the beauty and wonder of life around us. It is so much better with two.
Like watching a glorious sunset alone does not seem right.
You can still find the joy and wonder in it you just need to dig a little deeper.
Tell your kids about it even if they are not interested. Give them a chance to say oh mum your nuts and laugh.