Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Please please need some advice about "OM"

Hi, I am sorry you are having a bad day and wish I could help somehow. Of course you are going to have DB no-no's and slip ups. We all do. No one has handled their situations perfectly, not us, and certainly not out WASes. My H has admitted to saying and doing some things wrong during our separation. It is freaking hard! And the fact that many of us have never been through this kind of thing and our emotions DO get involved, makes it even that much harder. We'd have to be freaking robots to never break down, never have a slip up, never have an outburst. It is human nature for Pete's sake and we're all human. So with that said, please please don't beat yourself up for blasting him on the phone, sometimes the words just have to come out. They just have to.

Now you should take a cooling down period and not do anything until you feel calmer obviously. Actually, my H and I were threatening D and Lawyers about 2-3 weeks into our separation, we were soooo mad at eachother, it was unfreakingbelievable, but not the right time to discuss such serious stuff. It IS such a big decision and as long as he and I are unsure about our future (even if it is just a little unsure) I think it is okay to just not do anything for now. I think you need to get your mind really really used to the idea and I think it happens slowly in stages. I think you will know when the right time is to get the papers going. I don't think you are there yet?

And you know, as angry as his reaction made you, I think the whole "do what you want to do" line is actually his way of rejecting the idea. Think about it, if he really wanted the D, wouldn't he say "okay, yes, let's do this, I am tired of waiting as well." ????? I could be wrong, but that is my take on it. "Do what you want to do" always has the ring of "I'm not in agreement with what you are saying, but I'm not going to show that I care one way or the other."

I don't know. Best not to try to interpret their thoughts though.

Hugs, hope you feel better soon.

Thanks newgal. I appreciate your comforting words. The "do what you wanna do" is my H's usual motif and it is so aggravating. I feel a little better now. I'm just telling myself I'm going after someone who God does not meant for me to have. I need to figure my life out though because this whole thing has been going on for way too long and now that H has been gone for so long (5mths) and he shows NO SIGN of wanting to come back I feel like I need to go on with my life. Then today I got to thinking that H is there with his son who he loves so much and to walk away from him now whould be so hard on the boy. And I don't think that he can walk away now and he knows that if he comes back to his wife OW will not want him to see his S and he won't be able to live with that and I just don't think he loves me enough anymore to even make such a choice anyway. It seems like all the signs are telling me to go forward with the D and get on with my life. I'm just so tired of this all.

I texted H and said "My bad, We've had these conversations way too many times. I done know what's up. Will do what I gotta do. Bye. Pl don't call. Thx."

I think one of the most important things I've learned here for me at least is the 48-hour rule. When you feel like filing for D or letting all your anger out on your H or sending a nasty email or whatever, just wait 48 hours and see if you feel the same. If you do, then do it, but usually 48 hours later I'm feeling a bit different, more calm or whatever. I esp. think you have to use that rule with filing for D, b/c I think if you're unsure you shouldn't do it. It's so hard to go through and so much crap I think you have to be 100% sure to do that. Karen

Thanks Karen, I get so tired of trying to DB and just want to just give up and let it all out. I know a day or two would have been good to wait. I gotta say that is one of the things I don't do well.... I'm always calling H on the spot to let whatever I think out. I so need to better control my emotions and thought process.

Sounds like the perfect 180 to work on!!! I find that GALing is really important too. Sometimes when I'm all steamed up if I go do taekwondo or do something at the theatre, or something I enjoy, it really helps me. That helps me stick to the 48 hour rule. And venting here of course. Karen

Hi,

So today, AGAIN, I called H but to clear the air. I work up thinking about yesterday's call (to be honest I think lately all my thoughts have been on H and its just not good), and was thinking that lately I've started calling him more often. I haven't been doing daily but like every other day and the calls have not been positive. So I felt like I need to clear that up. Anyway, called H to at least clear up my freaking out yesterday so that I'm not seen as just the bad news bearer or someone who only calls with a poor conversation. Anyway, told him that I do have emotions and yesterday was one of those emotional days. And whoa he said everyother day you call me with something, he notices that its every other day-- I didn't like that. Anyway, he then said that he's been thinking a lot too and he also is trying to figure things out but he doesn't call me with everything. I asked him who he talks to and he said no one really. He may ask a friend for opinion but that's it. So we got to talking and he was telling me that a friend of his told him that he should divorce his wife. I said he may be right but why did he tell you that. He said because the friend said that there are too many problems and the friend doesn't know what he's talking about and that his friend said the only reason he's still with his wife is because of the kids and child support. The H said, but his wife is "not like you". Interesting uhhh?

Anyway, that said H started to ask me my younger brother and so I realized I should ask about his son. And we talked about him that how he wants to look like his daddy and he now has the same jacket and shoes like him and he always says daddy I wanna be like you. The we started to talk about getting his son into school and H said that I know I feel like I'm not doing a good job with him, I need to be doind more for him. So, this was telling for me though. Would H really leave OW and his son since he feels like he needs to be there and to do more for him. I think my situation is actually really difficult and H may not be able to leave and I don't even know if I can live with that either. I have come to terms with the fact that if H comes home I would want really have to include his son into our lives but I know OW will not allow that at all and it will get really messy. H knows that too. So, questions for those who have children and the strong bond, doesn't it seem unrealistic for me to think H will come home and not be with his son who he loves to death?

Anyway, H said that we need to talk either tonight or tomorrow. Any advice on what I should say or not say?

Checking in on you.

IF your H ever decided to leave OW for you or anyone else there isn't much OW can do to prevent him from seeing his son. Yes, she can make it difficult but legally unless he is unfit she can't stop him. But can you deal with the son? It would be a tough pill to swallow.

Stop calling him, stop pursuing him. It isn't doing any good.

((((Vicky))))

Vicky, your H does not HAVE to be involved with OW in order to be a "Daddy" to his son. There are tons of people that co-parent their children successfully without having a R. What are your feelings about you being involved in his sons life? Will you be able to be a part of this childs life and be ok? I'm speculating here, but maybe he is not sure what your reaction will be and that could be something that sways his decision.



If and when your H decides to come home to you, the OW will not have a choice. Your H has as much right to his son as she does and if he wants to stay involved there is nothing she can do about it. Having a strong bond with a child is different than being willing/able to use your child to hold someone else emotionally hostage, children are not bargaing chips. When its like that, its more about the adults and not the kids. The love you have for your children is different than the love you have for your S, so its not about choosing between you and his son. He may be convinced and my try to convince you as well, but realistically its not. Loving you doesn't mean he doesn't love his son, loving his son doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Not the same kind of love... My biggest question is, can you be a part of this boys life?

If it were me, I would think long and hard about what I can and can't deal with and then go from there. I'm faced with the same sort of thing, but I realized from the beginning that its not this babys fault. I don't want to be her mother, I just want to be someone in her life that is there to support her and watch her grow up. My advice, figure out what you want and then the conversation will go from there.

Hi Guys,

So had a busy weekend and am I now finally about to get around to posting.

Starting/Sugar: to answer your question before H left that was our biggest problem. I attacked the situation by basically presenting that its either me or them (son and OW), but no only me along I should say H and OW did also. OW is very nutty, she assulted me 3 years ago and we have had very bad encounters so I took the stand that I wanted nothing to do with any of them. I think this made it even more difficult for H. When we tried to work things out, H had pulled back on the A and his involvement with S but but was drawn back in. OW had made it absolute that she doesn't want to do have anything to do with her child as well. So the whole thing has been a "power" struggle I would say. I must say that H didn't make it any easy on me either -- he took the stand that his son is his business and he will take care of his business and pushed me out too. H was basicaaly trying to have two families and it was not a happy equalibrium. Now that I have had a chance to be removed from the situation I think I have better vision and understnading about my sitch and also in talking with other people here as well. But sometimes I do get scared and wonder how things would be if we got back together. When H told me about S, my attitude was that I have to accept the child and would and then H continued the A, feelings got hurt, OW is a crazy manipulative bitch, and I took the stand that I'm not getting involved in the drama. But I know that is just not workable. I do know that for us to work H can only have one family and his son would have to be a part of our family. Will this be easy at first --- NOOOO!! But I love kids immensively and H knows that. I usually bring my family and friends kids over to spending the weekend. I have met and I'm trying to start a relationship with H son as part of my 180s. When I talk to H now I show genuine interest by asking about him and one day I meet him and we chatted - baby steps. One difficulty now though is that now that H is deep in this A, he has become the stepfather too to OW's D. It's good that S now goes over to MIL's place to spend time but H also has OW D's there has well and to be honest I am working to accept H's S, but no way am I including OW's D as well - my heart is just not that big. I'm sorry. Anyway, long story short, like I told H this weekend, I don't wouldn't him to chose between me and his son, I would want him to chose to have me AND his son.