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The crash...

It is here now. The anger left me about 2 hours ago. I've been in my office and feeling VERY VERY lonely. There is nobody around me, no peep from the W. I keep getting images of her with OM and it hurts me so badly. I try to switch to PMA, but then return to this bad place. I'm glad no one is around right now. I have been crying really hard off and on for the last hour. I keep getting waves of emotions overcoming me.

I hate this...this is payback for making her miserable our whole marriage I guess, I'm sure that's what she would say. I still don't know how we managed to get here, to this nasty place. I thought things between us were better than this. I don't want to ever open my heart to another woman, especially this one - my cherished W. I would rather have an ice cold stone in my chest than ever take a chance of experiencing this again.

BTW,
I changed the doorlocks back. I'm going to have to "man up" and be the civilized, semi-rational one in this process. I'm still unsure about staying in the house. I don't want to drain my savings down staying here. I'd rather cut my rent in half and live better. Plus I get to move away from the memories of that place.

Upgrade, I've always been one to advocate staying in the marital home. Since you have no kids; I say do what makes you happy. If you can be better off financially, leave it.

Upgrade,

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

I know how we shouldn't act on emotions but, sometimes it is so hard to not do.

You need to take hold of yourself. Keep in mind that this extreme pain is only temporary. This is a mourning that you are going through. In time you will heal.

If you can't afford that place by yourself then move. Pray and ask God to give you peace over this matter. And, wisdom. He will carry you through this. He has carried me.

I feel sorry for her for she is turning to the wrong people for escape . She will be hurt.

I have been a waw not because I had another man but, because my husband simply doesn't love me.It hurts to be treated that way.

Your wife is so confused.You work on getting yourself better. She is responsible for her own actions.I feel differently. She deserved to hear about what she is doing.

Take care and I pray that thing will get better for you.

Ashyah

It's been a couple of days since I've posted. Things got worse and now they are still crappy. We had a big blowout last night about liquidating some assets. She wants to sell off some or our investments to raise cash for things she wants to do. My attorney recommended I don't do it, I put my foot down and said no - but, I told her that it's not how I wanted things to be but she put me in this position. I finally got her to agree to staying in the home and that I would move. Lot's of huffin and puffin and she stormed out the door upset.

20 minutes later I get a call from her and I can tell she's crying. She said she's tired of crying, I agreed with her, I'm tired too.

We talked somethings out, then she started to push my buttons again. I ended the call briefly but politely with a sharp and quick good night. For some reason she text messaged me this morning from work saying “Have a nice day! I’ll call you when I get off work” I guess this is doing the “friend” thing.

I put a deposit on an apartment today. It was painful to do, because the realization that its over is getting stronger. I also consulted a mediator and paid for a session for my wife to go and speak with the mediator.

W wanted to stop by the house tonight after work to pick up gym clothes and use the pc. Wasn't here when she got here, was out walking the dogs. Things went well with conversation when I got back. She took some jabs at me that I could've responded to better. Instead of coming across angry, I came across indifferent, saying “whatever” when she talked about splitting credit cards apart and bank accounts.

She jabbed me with a statement of how America is built on people working for a living. I knew this was intended to light my fire, she got me going, but I put it out quick. I stated that America was actually built by entrepreneurs such as myself. I’m starting to see new theme here.

I didn't hover, I did my own thing around the house. She said a couple of times that she was leaving, but then would start talking about something else. She gave me a really, really nice hug...it felt SO good, her hair & skin smelled great. She told me she will always love me. I responded “me too.” She then said, “you will always love you too?” lightening up the convo. I told her she knew I will always love her. I then rushed the convo to end and opened the door ending with a goodnight. I am acting as if I’m moving on, and in many ways I am.

I’ve been realizing some things the last couple of days based on her comments. She continues to say I should get a job, and making mention of jobs. This is obviously a sticking point with her that she never expressed to me. She always told me she was my #1 supporter in my business. In the last 4-5 months I told her she wasn’t anymore, I could tell by her remarks in the past that she had lost faith in me. She also said she needs stability last nigh…meaning my business and income are not stable.

I have been thinking about getting a job again, however I know that I am really close to a major breakthrough in my business. I’ve now begun to question whether I would really want to be together again because she lost faith in me…reminds me of the Will Smith movie, “The Pursuit of Happyness.”

There is something very painful about having the person who’s supposed to be your biggest supporter, lose faith in you.

I’m not sure where all these comments have been coming from. I’ve heard things in the last week she never told me before. I quit my job 1.5 years ago to pursue my business fulltime. I actually did very well until about 5 months ago…since then it has been a complete dry spell and the arguing frequency has increased up to this point of D.

I popped a couple of Benadryl to help me sleep and I think my grammar is getting affected! I always have so much to talk about, maybe I should post more often.

She mentioned to me the last night that “I don’t know if you care or not, but for the record I haven’t done anything with anyone.” That reassured me, I do believe her. Maybe just to help ease my own mind if nothing else. I’m fine with that. I now am starting to realize I will never be good enough for her anymore. My dream is this business AND our marriage. She wants stability, and I obviously am the furthest from that.

I am still very emotional, but I am starting to get angry at how she views me. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. I am a damn good man, with flaws, but good nonetheless. We made joint decisions on what we were doing, but she lost faith in me along the way. Crap, it hasn’t even been that long, I would think she would’ve at least given me a longer period of time or talked to me about it.

I’m not sure anymore. I love her with all my heart. It’s so very painful to go through this, but at times like this I feel like I might not want to be back together anymore. It is probably the pills talking, but I do know my feelings are changing the more she tells me things. I can’t get over her losing faith in me. I can understand her view though, it’s hard to plan to have children and a “stable life” when our finances are an unknown. It was long term planning for us though, and we agreed on it together.

I’m just getting sick of feeling hurt and helpless. I could write for hours, but I’ll end it here for now…

W stopped by last night to pickup some clothes and see the dogs again. We ate together and made small talk. Of course she wanted to know what I found out about the apartment. Told her I would be moving next week and she immediately went into cancelling credit cards, etc. I handled it pretty well.

It seemed as though she was hanging around more than usual. She said a couple of times that she was leaving and then she would start talking again.

She gave me a really nice hug, best one in a while, very long. She told me she will always love me.

What does this mean? To me that's the goodbye talk...I'm losing hope. I talked to her about mediation and she said she'd think about it. Called me this morning and said, no...I'm going to stick with my attorney. Started an argument with us.

I really am going to detach at this point. No more contact with her. Can't stop thinking about her though. :o(

Barely hanging on.

Actually I haven't instigated the contact, she has. I have just been very responsive to it. Kind of hanging around waiting for her, it makes me feel good to see her. Even if we are arguing. Why do I torture myself??

Hey Upgrade,

Just read your situation. I know how difficult it is right now. I am sorry you are going through this. I also had the B dropped and D filed quickly w/o any time to talk through things or try to improve our M. It's very frustrating.

Definitely continue with your own lawyer. Detaching and finding things to fill your extra time will help a lot. Things will slowly get better but it's tough. I know this site will help you out a lot...as it has me.

Thanks Fitchik. I did not contact or respond to W at all on Thursday. Yesterday she called me around 2pm. I let it go to VM and she called back and then texted me. I responded that I was at lunch and asked what ? she had. Told her I'd call within 15 minutes. She called me back again in 15 minutes. Was at the insurance agents office and needed my consent to split the cars onto separate policies. Didn't fight it, whatever.

2 hours later got a text message from her saying "call when you can, I want to talk about going the mediation route:)" Waited about 30 minutes and then called back. We made a bunch of small talk about the new gym she's trying out and going to the lake with her parents the day before. Then she said she talked to her attorney and he said that it would be cheaper and faster to go the mediation route. She said sign us up for our sessions.

Okay, small battle I won, but I think she's open to it because she thinks it will be a faster process. I ended the conversation saying "Ok, I'll call monday and set something up for us later in the week, I'll let you know when it is...have a great weekend!" She responded nicely and we ended the call.

30 minutes later, got a text from her that she was able to take herself off one of our joint credit cards and that she would "pay her portion" of the balance at the end of the month. No response from me.

15 minutes later another text that she was able to take herself off another credit card account and telling me her friend is getting married next month. This friend is actually how we met. Her friend was dating my friend and we got introduced to each other. I did not respond again.

Went out GAL'ng last night. Went to happy hour with a group of friends (I did not drink however) and then we went cosmic bowling. Funny how little things hurt. The bowling alley we went to is the first time I've been back there since my W and I went on a date bowling there 8 years ago...reminded me of us.

Dad called me late. He was a groomsmen in a friends wedding last night and he said he was really bothered by the part when they exchanged vows because he thought of me and W and how a lot of people say the "good times & bad, sickness & health, richer or poorer, till death" part but don't really mean it. He said lots of people mean until the times get tough, and then they're out of there. Kind of reinforced the DB principles for me and how I do not want to give up on us.

It made me sad also though because I know W was probably out with OM last night and not thinking about the promises that had been made nearly 5 years ago...I have been feeling stronger daily though. Shorter durations of crying every day, usually after I get back from the gym or as soon as I wake up from another sleepless night and nightmares of my W.

W is maid of honor in her BFF's wedding in 3 weeks. I am hoping that she'll hear them exchange vows and it will hit her and cause an epiphany. I know that I am reaching big time on this one though. She's in fantasy land for sure, I don't think anything is going to alter the course of this. I really hate life right now. Feel very lonely and sad most of the time. Like I said, I am able to function a bit more, but still feel crappy majority of the time.

I have been getting more insight into W's role in our issues. I know most of the blame lies on me, but she definitely contributed also. We have not been communicating well for several months. That's a big part, if not the mian part, of why we are where we are.

Trying to figure out what to do with myself today. All my friends are married or in serious R, sucks to be around them for me. Don't want to go to work in my office (even though I need to), I feel claustrophobic in there and anxious to get out. Maybe I'll go blow a bunch of money on new clothes and things at the mall like W!? I have lost 16lbs in the last 3 weeks...I'm not even overweight! Gives me an excuse to go buy some tight fitting shirts and what not though...

I don't know. Dreading the move into the apartment next week. I know I'm going to feel very, very lonely. No doggs, no familiar surroundings, etc.

Just keep hoping for a breakthrough here! I know they say it takes TONS of patience. I keep reminding myself that I'm only 1.5 months into this process and that miracles happen everyday. Wish she would get away from her enabling circle, might help the cause. But, I can't fix this right? Just gotta let her deal with her own chit.

Something interesting I've been hearing...

I heard from several D'd people last night that after the WAS D'd them, 6 months - 1yr later they are back trying to work things out. I've been hearing that SO often lately. Maybe I'm tuning into that as some sort of hope, but it' interesting nonetheless.

How many of you have heard similar stories of WAS attempting reconciliation down the road?

Our mediator/attorney said that something like 25% of D'd couples remarry. Strange phenomenon.