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Well I'm a bit later to the update than I promised, but better late than never.

So money's tight and I only purchase one session.

Money's still tight, but I'm leaning towards more.

DB Coach started with background info -- names, ages, kids, jobs, etc.

Then had me Tell the Story for about 8-10 minutes. The "Coming Soon to a Theater Near You" version, mind you, not the "and then on March 2, she said...." version.

My W dropped the bomb on 2/13 with no prior warning. So though I first did the usual Dumb Stuff, I then started DB'ing. That was bad. I wasn't in DB mode, I was in TLR mode -- Stop the Divorce Wheel. I didn't really get that until I talked with Coach.

Spoke with Coach on Monday. MC #2 yesterday.

Coach's advice was -- disrupt her pattern (something that self-help guru Tony Robbins used to always say). The most attractive thing I could do, Coach said, was say, "I get it. I get that she wants a divorce. That we are at the 11th hour."

The point was to take her off-balance, to make her lower her guard -- because, being committed to the D decision, she (like all of us do when we know we're "right") has to "read" everything I do and say as an attempt to attack that position. So the strategy is to do a Massive As-If -- to lead her to believe her position is solid.

So, Coach said, where do you two have common ground? Where is the only place she has any positive feelings for you at all?

Parenting. She admits I am a good father. ILYBNILWY, etc. etc. BUT you are a good father, and I'm not afraid to say so.

Ah-ha! So now we want to start building positive feelings in her towards me. We want to leverage the ONE "plus" I have in this sitch.

So Coach recommended that I go into MC #2 and bust up the pattern by saying something to the effect,



Then some more stuff about how, no matter what happens, W will be the mother of our children. In the same way that friends always tease my motorcycle buddy and me that we're out on "man dates" and we "make a cute couple" when we're riding, W and I will still be a "couple" insofar as we are both parents of the same kids.

So we have to improve THAT couple relationship.

Then the kicker. And it was hard, believe me, but Coach thought it would really work -- BUT ONLY if I could commit to it.

Well how much worse off can I be, right?

"So I think we'd do better right now [that "right now" is an important marker for me] is to just table any talk of reconciliation, because I just don't think that talk is appropriate at this time [and again, that little off-hand hedge makes all the difference]."

Well it broke up the patterns! MC was completely thrown -- you mean you've accepted the divorce? It sounds like you're preparing for the divorce!

W didn't know what to do. For the first time she turned and looked directly at me.

So I explained that, yes, I was preparing for divorce. I didn't agree with divorce, but I understand that from W's perspective THAT is the purpose of these sessions. And look, I said, she came to this decision before I knew about it -- she went through the internal emotions. I'm just playing catch-up ball here.

So I have to brave. I have to be prepared. Because when and if [and "and if" is another tricky little hedge] that day comes, I have to go home to 2 children and brush their teeth and put them in their jammies and get them to bed.

Would I prefer to remain married? Yes. Do I think that's going to happen? I don't know. I know that W doesn't want it to right now ["right now"], so why don't we just focus on the one thing we have in common and make that better? Because no matter which way this process goes ["which way"], we have to be good parents.

Now let me say this was a big risk. I had to go over those lines a hundred times. And, for the first 5 minutes or so, they almost sunk me. MC started transitioning into post-divorce counseling mode.

But then I think -- I suspect -- MC picked up on what I was doing. Because all of a sudden MC said to W, "W, tell me about your parents' marriage." W's parents' marriage was a good one -- she'd said that in MC # 1, very clever -- so she had to talk about marriage in positive terms.

Then MC asked why W had been attracted to me. And as MC probed W's initial attraction to me, a very interesting thing happened.

W started -- quite unconsciously, I think -- relaxing and leaning ever-so-slightly towards me on the couch. Which MC encouraged, by mirroring W and leaning in the same direction. And W told some funny stories about when we were dating. And she HAD relaxed -- no more crossed arms, no more staring straight ahead, no more clenched jaw.

And the more she went over the Early Days with DrHemlock, the greater the amount of "credit" I had in my emotional account with her.

And MC kept probing, forcing W to remember -- or at least to express verbally -- all the nice things about the start of our M.

And that's where it ended -- Time! -- and it was very easy to schedule MC #3, whereas at the end of MC #1 it was like pulling teeth.

So I accomplished all of my goals for that session. Got TO the session. Got THROUGH the session. Got ANOTHER session scheduled.

Because at the end of the day, Coach was right. IF we wind up in divorce court, we STILL have an obligation to those kids, so there's no down side to reducing the negativity.

Doc:

You have progressed tremendously and you've done incredibly well in a very tough situation. Your post is inspiring.

If at all possible, please keep up with your DB coach. What a great outcome!

All my best,
Lucky

Very encouraging DrH. , it sounds like your game plan is a solid one, and you have a great coach. Keep up the great work, and keep us posted.

Oy! What a weekend.

Friday night I had a major backslide -- WAW left her email open on the computer again (really, I think it's on purpose now; how many times do you have to be told "log out, don't minimize the effin' screen!") and so as soon as I sit down to check out the scores... bing! there it is, a little note to her girlfriend about how EOM sent her a little email and it made her heart go all pitter-patter.

Puke! So I called her out on it, which was a bad thing to do, because it just moved me farther away from my goals.

But for Eff's sake! That can't be accidental.

Saturday started out with me doing one of my "constant disappointments" -- fixed right away, btw, so what's with the drama? -- and then gradually got better until at end of day she was sitting in my home office while I was at the desk, and we had a nice talk, with smiles and laughter, about a non-R topic.

Then, I think we should separate. Need my space. Could get a short-term rental. Blah, blah, blah.

Then sunshine and roses a couple hours later.

And then she left to get ready for a St. Pat's party at her boss's house (no risk there, I think, because too many senior people from work to risk attention).

Upppppp! Dooooowwwwwn! Uuuuuuppppp! Doooooowwwwn!

Nice roller coaster. I agree w/ something that was on another thread -- having the WAW in the house is not necessarily better or "at least you get to see her." Maybe getting to see her isn't the best thing -- do you really want to watch your life, who looks particularly attractive that night, go out to a party?

[I'm editing this -- note that typo I made: "do you really want to watch your life, who looks particularly attractive..." Now obviously I meant, "wife." Calling Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud. Calling Dr. Freud, please see Dr. Hemlock, stat!]

Uuuupppp! Dooowwwwn!

Just smile and wave, boys; smile and wave.

So who has experience with separations, here? Better or worse?

Separation for me was better. I needed to work out who I was and discover that I was indeed a more than capable mother.

I just don't fancy doing it on my own for the rest of my life. I would like more kids but I'll be damned if I settle for second best efforts any more.

My h moved out (sorta kinda at my request) after having a very short affair. Things went waaaay down hill for approximately 18 months. Things are on the up now but I feel frustrated that there is no real commitment happening and that maybe we aren't meant to be together after all.

It hurts like heck to separate but eventually it brings some sort of peace because now (1 year anniversary tomorrow) am not tempted to snoop. Not tempted to think about their romantic times, whether they are together, or taking trips or whatever. Just being involved in my new life which is very fulfilling is much better. I will not live to suffer, which I think might be happening because curiousity is a HUGE hurdle to overcome. If you are tempted to look for signs of deception, you might find them and then what? For me, I just might as well accept my H is with OW, no need to spend hours thinking about it and catching them. Better to have life of my own, much more peaceful. Not healthy to dwell on their unhealthy, unholy lifestyle.

Thanks for the replies, Purple and Positively. What about the men? My sitch is that W will move out, leaving me with the kids.

W came downstairs to breakfast. I've been DB'ing now for 2 weeks. And out of the clear blue: "You know, I'm more confident now in my decision than ever."

Next move for Dr Hemlock? Anyone?

I would just respond "I understand," and let her do what she is hell-bent on doing. If she wants to move out, so be it.

Puppy

Separation has really helped me. I no longer concern myself with her activities and that allows me the time to live my life and concentrate on the kids. My W and I actually get along much better now. She seems to be getting healthier mentally and emotionally. She's carrying her own weight and asks me for nothing.

All that being said, she still screwed up the M with A's and right now has no intention of coming home. I'm not sure that I want her anymore. I have had the opportunity to really examine our M and see how unhealthy it was.

This time apart has been good for us as individuals. She's not the same person she was in the M; but she's still not someone I would date either. Now if she could just be a better mother.