Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

Have you considered getting a different MC? Not everybody finds the perfect one the first time, right? If she's willing, why not?




How's the weather in her world I wonder?

Seriously, I think that's part of the script. She would do it, I'm sure, but she knows that it's not possible. I've heard similar from my WAS. I think its required speech for this situation.

Don't get me wrong. You have things of your own to fix, don't you? But while you do that, you can stop hurting her. Stop bringing up the R/M and let things cool. She's already gone and you can only change yourself. Do so. Don't be vindictive, but change yourself. Don't talk about it. Don't get hurt by the things she does or says. That should be behind you now because she has already emotionally left. Mostly.

She hasn't left the house. She hasn't filed for divorce. Not because of the kids either (although that may be part of it and the only part at her consciousness). No, if she really wanted out, she'd be gone and damn the consequences. She wants to be sure she's doing the right thing and that you're not going to change.

Are you?

AJ

I'm Changing!, I'm Changing!

Thanks for the advice and reassurance and for asking the tough questions. For the past month or so I have put most of my effort into myself - working with my IC, reading, GALing, etc.

Really for myself, I'll take a minute to review the ways I am trying to work on myself (It helps me to review every now and then)

- Physically: Getting back in shape, getting strong - lost wt, working out, new clothes - looking and feeling better and much happier with myself. A friend and I signed up for a Triathlon this summer, so I am struggling to get ready for it.

- Mentally: to paraphrase "Hold on to your Nuts" most of my work has been trying to "Silence the Little Boy" - and to think, before this all hit, I didn't even know he was there, and now we are getting to be good friends Honestly, I was way too dependent on her, way too unhappy with myself, and way too focused on work, the mortgage, etc to lead a happy life. This is giving me the opportunity to get past that.

- Intellectually: It's amazing how much I did not know or understand about relationships. I have a whole stack of R books that I have been reading (but keeping hidden from my W so as not to pressure her.) I want to understand where I went wrong and contributed to the sitch so that I don't do it again.

- Socially: Getting out a couple of times a week, getting back in touch with old friends, building new friendships, etc. My W and I have actually switched roles recently. I had dropped all of my friendships in order to do what I thought I had to do for my W and my family (martyrdom!) I was at home resenting that she was out with her friends - now sometimes I am out more often than she is.

For the past couple of weeks, I think I have been doing a pretty good job of giving her the space she needs - not perfect, but pretty good. I am also feeling way more detached. I am actually pretty happy to give her space because it allows me the time and space to do my own thing and focus on my own issues.

I still really miss her though...

My W is going through a renewed rough piece in her life, as her mother just found out that her cancer is back and has metastasized. As expected, it is hitting my W really hard and she is crumbling under the stress. I can clearly see what she is going through and and really feel for her and her whole family. She really needs and wants support - but at the same time is clear that she wants space from me. I can't be the one to give her that support -- or if I can I have to do it very indirectly.

Thinking through it as I journal here, I think my approach during this period has to be:

• Keep myself happy and independent, so that she does not feel like she has to take care of me to.
  
• "Be the Rock" - Stay strong and level and help out here with the kids and the home (as I have been) so she doesn't see the house as something to run from.
  
• Avoid pursuit or drama here in our daily R so that she doesn't feel she has to run away.
  
• Give her the freedom to help her mom and the space to work out what she wants from life.
  
• Detach, avoid timelines or expectations, and be patient

Thinker,

I hope that you can see as you read over your last journal posting that you have done some amazing things for yourself in these times of adversity. Sure, you miss your W. Sure this is hard. I am right with you on those as I am there too. There's not much more you can do besides keep on keeping on, sustaining the changes and also to exercise almost infinite patience, giving her space and time to heal, and reconsider her M.

NM

Thanks, I appreciate that.

My own impatience and frustration are definitely the biggest problems I am going to face.

Most of us LBSs always take on the physical side much easier, dropping the weight and getting in physical shape. It's the easier part. I've done the same.

This year I set a goal to make my mind as strong as my body. It's hard to do as there aren't easy-to-find machines at the gym for that. Mind control is so very hard. We won't get there are fast as we got our bodies in shape, but it's a worthy goal for all of us. I've read some on controlling my thoughts, have started yoga, but want to get more into meditation.

Just some random thoughts.

Nick

Aaargghhh!

So after weeks of no fights or discussions about anything - simply wondering from my side what the silence and distance means, we finally had an argument -- but rather than fighting over anything real, it was over the *&%%$??/% toilet seat issue!!!

You know the one...is the responsibility of the man to always make sure that the toilet seat is down, or not...

Well, I spent 40 years not caring one way or the other -- in fact not even noticing in which position it was at any time. Then, a year or so ago it became a MAJOR issue in a MC session. My W had decided that if I left it up it was because I had no regard for her, and so every time I left it up she stewed over it.

After initially resisting (thinking "there is no way this is THE issue which is causing problems in our R") I realized that I was resisting due to a childish desire not to be told what to do, and decided that since she seemed to really care about the toilet seat, and since I really did not care about it, then I would put it down -- if for no other reason than I care about her.

So for the past months (really quite a while, before the bomb) I have made a MAJOR effort to change in this regard. I really have almost made it a mission. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember. I find myself reminding myself multiple times while I am there, and then leaving - and a few minutes later I can't remember whether I remembered or not. I'll often go back and check - sometimes it is up, sometimes it is down.

I have no idea why this is so hard.

I remember trying today, and even remember going back to check once, but this evening, my W snipps "I've had to put the toilet seat down multiple times today, and now it is up again. You say you'll do it, but you don't!" My head almost exploded and I immediately got defensive. I started to fight back, but after defensive "I said I'll try" to which she replied "Don't try, just do" I left to stop the discussion.

I get SO FRUSTRATED over this. She takes it as the symbol of our whole relationship - I obviously just don't care. If I didn't try at all, I am not sure how I would feel, but since I really do try, I feel like a little kid getting lectured and it pisses me off.

I wish it were easy to remember

I wish she would not take it as such a symbol

I wish I didn't get so defensive about it

I wish we would fight over something that mattered!

I'd love to hear from the women in the forum on this...

(Journaling)

I am not sure what is going on with my W.

This evening yesterday, we were scheduled to watch AI and she suddenly appeared with very upset /angry face and plopped down on the couch to watch.

me: "I can see that you are very upset, are you OK?"
her: - no reply -- looking straight ahead
me: "OK, I'm here if you want to talk"

She watched the show in silence, then stayed, slouched angrily on the couch when I got up after the show ended.

Me: (holding out hand) "Can I help you up?"
Her: (unmoving) No

I went upstairs, got a book I have been meaning to read (the 4 agreements) from the bookshelf next to her bed and got in bed to read it.

She came up and said angrily "I see you stole my book"
me: I am sorry, I didn't know it would bother you
her: I don't like that you just took it
me: (calmly) OK. Are you reading it? Would you like me to stop? Should I put it back?
her: no (leaves room)

a few minutes later

me: I can see that you are upset, and it is not about the book - that would never have bothered you before. What's Up?
her: you're right, it's not the book.
(long pause)
me: OK, can you tell me what it is?
her: no!
me: (still calm) I can't read your mind
her: (upset) and that's a good thing too!!
me: (laughing) what's that all about?

no reply

she climbed into bed without looking at me (I was still reading the book) did not say a word and turned out her light. I said "good night" and she mumbled "good night" in reply and nothing more

It is the most upset I have seen her in a long time. Her whole demeanor radiated anger - projected at me, although I suspect it has more to do with her mom's health. I managed to stay calm and relatively detached through the whole thing -- in fact just kept reading the book the whole time -- but can't help but wonder:

-- What is it that suddenly is bothering her to this extent? It really seemed to come on suddenly

-- Why is it that the can't bring herself to even tell me what is wrong?

I am happy that I felt detached enough not to get upset. A couple of months ago I would also have felt that this must all be due to me and been miserable that I couldn't do anything to fix the situation. I probably would have started a fight just trying to get her to talk to me about what was wrong. Now, her emotions still affect me, but I don't feel responsible for them any more. I know they are not due to me or anything I have done, and I know I can't fix them.

That leaves me feeling only a bit concerned (about her) and confused as to what is going on. This is the first time in a very long time that she has been this openly upset around me.

Just dropped my W off at the airport. She is flying off to visit and help her mom until Monday. This gives us both some much needed space and she gets the time to focus on what is really bothering her right now - her mom's health.

I am going to be too busy with work and the 3 boys to really focus or think of anything else, but it is still good to have a bit of space.

I need to plan a weekend away myself - but that will have to come later - end of April or early May.

I have to hand it to you....you handled that like a DBing champ! I have to take notes.
I think it's a good thing she was able to be that upset in front of you....it shows a comfort. I also think you are right that it's not related to you but to her mother.
My father's health is not the best post stroke and I worry about him and when things take a turn for the worse, it stresses me out. It's hard to think of yourself getting older, but for me, it's even harder to think of my parents aging. And to not be near them is very difficult too. I feel a lot of guilt about that. It's actually my mother who laughs at me and tells me to live my life and not worry about them...yeah right.
I know, even in happier times, I was distracted and distant when my father first had the stroke and I remember snapping at H about it. He was so great then, he would just either hug me, or touch my arm but never said anything because there really are no words.
You handled that great.
Would sending flowers to her mother be out of line?

Not sure I was all that great or cool - my first thoughts were to be offended and I had to fight that down -- also wish I could have done more for her than basically ignore her.

Thanks for the words about your parents. It helps me to understand more - I haven't had to go through it yet myself. I like the idea about the flowers - maybe modified a bit. I'll have to think, but I like the idea of supporting my W indirectly by supporting her mom.