Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers when it is over (2)

*I am so lost today. Everyone says get a L and end all this , you will feel better. I don't know if I will feel better. I am so afraid. but I don't know of what.

H knows that I am sorry, he knows I would never do this again, he knows I want this M. He does not know how sad I am, or that I am on meds or that I am barely functioning. He is oblivious to the hurt of his children.

I was a strong , confident independent person and I am now useless. When will I say enough. When will I take my control back. I am so emotional that I cannnot see what I need to do.

I dont contact him. I spent 24 years with this person and I cannot pick up the phone for fear of rejection or ridicule. When do I suck it up and start living for me.

See I am crying again. It is coming to crunch time for me as I have to stop H breaking down an asset. It is in breach of duties as a trustee. H is unaware that it is even a breach .This will mean L and that will alert him to get a L amd then I guess it is all rover.

I want to face him on this, but I just dont have the power needed for what ever reason. H has never experianced me like this. I have always been sure and opinionated and held myself in high esteem.

What do I do ? help

Okay - hello hello

Well H called round today . I would not let him see me as i looked a mess. i pretended not to be home.

Later he left a voice message saying he had called round and that he knew I was on meds and wanted to know if ok.

I called him back and we got talking for an 1 and 1/2 hours. Although I did not mean to get into relationship talk, I did. Once I started down the track of ' what a shame we cant fix this ' blah blah blah .i got the I dont love you anymore speech. I have moved on etc etc . ' you need to let me go "

Dam dam dam me getting sucked into that. Why did he call?

(((((Pollyanna)))))

I know this hurts. Been there!!! But, I also know that you have to pick yourself up and get moving ahead with your life. Right now it sounds to me like you have to take some action. He is squandering assets that you have a right to (at least partially), but more importantly, they are assets that your children have a right to. And you don't know whether or not you should do something about that?

I understand the fear of losing your husband...been there too! But, you can't let that fear keep you from functioning or from looking out for the best interests of your children. You have to step up and do something...for you and the kids.

So, contact an attorney. Do what you have to do to protect the assets and get protection for your part of the estate. Think of those actions as business decisions. They are not personal. They need not be emotional. Think of this as a business deal gone bad. You would do something to protect your interests in that case, right?

Like I said, I do know how much you hurt. But, I also know that there's a strength in you that you may not even see yet. I found mine, you can find yours too. But, you can't find it while you are pining away for a man who for now has chosen to be with another woman.

Calling the attorney is not the end all...you don't have to file for divorce. And, gaining knowledge about your rights, etc., will give you some sense of power...it did me.

I had a great friend tell me not too long ago that I can't make my husband be a good parent. I can't control that at all. So, don't try to force that relationship with the kids. He'll regret his decisions, and the kids will be hurt. But, you can't make him be a good dad. That's even more reason you have to get yourself together. you have got to be there for the kids and do your best to be a terrific mom...they need you and they need stability. They don't need a "mess." They need a confident, together, strong woman...just like the one inside you!

You can do this...I know...I've walked most of your journey.

Call the attorney today. I'll check in later to make sure you did!

Hugs and love to you!
Amy

Thanks Amy great advice.

Its funny I know intellectually what i have to do, but my emotion and fear hold me back ! What for I dont know.

Knowledge is a powerful tool and I normally arm myself with it. I know you are right.

I suppose I am hoping against hope deep down that there is an awakening of sorts and he will see the light. Yet I know that lots of people tell me to get real and deal with whats in front of me.

I just dont feel like me . i hope I come back because, that is when i will take real life changing action. It is like catch 22 though - that without action will I ever come back to me ?

Arrrrrrgggggggg

Hey! I know you know, and when you are ready, it will all click. And, you'll say to yourself, "You know, those people on the DB board were right." It's hard.

I think you can take the action and still have hope for an awakening. I did. In my case it's not gonna happen in time, and, to be honest, I don't want it to. I'm all done! I just want to get on with my life now without the burden.

Get the knowledge...you don't have to necessarily do anything with it. But, you have to get it. You can't make a decision at all without the knowledge. So, right now, you are just floating along imagining the absolute worse outcome of your actions. My guess is the outcome won't be nearly as bad as you've imagined it.

Just keep trying to get moving...you'll get there. I believe in you!

Hugs!
Amy

Well said Amy.

Part of my reluctance is the thought that i started all this by having an A. I know 2 wrongs dont make a right and that I did a LOT of work to fix the M but bottom line ..... if it was not for me I would not be on this board!

pollyanna,

We could all say that...sure, maybe what you did was a little extreme...a little more blatant than my ignoring his insecurities and not always working to look my best and getting wrapped up in the kids to the point that I was too busy, and that list could go on and on. The fact is that we all play a part in the break down of our marriages. So, bottom line, if I'd been a perfect wife, I might not be here either.

Don't keep beating yourself up over that. You came back, you tried to work it out, and now you are here. That's not all on you.

So, get over the guilt and the feeling sorry for yourself! I won't allow it...I've lived it, and, I know that's no place to be. Get up, pollyanna, let's get moving! We've got some things to do, right?

I'll talk to you tomorrow!

Love you!
Amy

Hey pollyanna,

Don't beat yourself up. I would take my wife back too BUT I need to make right with myself. I need to show her that I am the man that she fell in love with and married. But in order to do that, it takes time and patience. Find a hobby, go see a comedy, go shopping! Do something for yourself. I remember when I was about to leave I begged and cried and said I was sorry until I was blue in the face. But she still said no. But weeks passed, I bought the book and started reading and started realizing that I need to live MY LIFE for myself and my kids.

So take it easy, we all make mistakes. Geesh, I know I've screwed up a lot in our marriage and believe me, I screwed up BIG TIME. But you know what, that wasn't the real me and I know that now.

So take some time, take a load of your back and relax. The sun will rise again and so will you.

Smile and say a prayer...we're here for you.

pollyanna...where are you?

I'm checking in to see if you called that attorney today. And, if not, why not? And, if not, what did you do for yourself that made you feel just slightly more empowered even if for just a split second???

If you didn't call that attorney today, think about why and make a decision to call on Monday. Don't wait too late...this is your financial future we are talking about, right?

I'll be gone this weekend, but I'll check in if I can.

Hugs and love to you!!!
Amy

I agree, Polly - honestly, I can sense a shift even in the couple of weeks since I first saw your posts. You are getting stronger even if it doesn't seem like it!