Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers when it is over (2)

Hey, pollyanna! Hugs to you!!!

I wrote several versions of my last letter to my H. I didn't give him any of them. Several on here told me that the letter would just be pursuing behavior. So, I didn't ever give any of them to him. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't.

I did, however, just before we started the D process and on several occasions since tell him how I thought the D was a bad idea for our sitch and that I truly believed we could fix things if we really tried hard. I didn't go into a lot of detail. I just told him I had come to understand my part in our problems and that I felt that I could address my issues, forgive us both, and work hard to make this a good marriage. On each occasion, he told me he wasn't willing to try hard. Now I know that I made it clear that it is not my divorce and that I am willing to work on the marriage should he be interested. He can never say...but, you wanted this!

That's just my opinion. But, I think writing it can be good for you...just to get it all out.

Maybe some others will weigh in on the idea.

Love to you!
Amy

Thanks Amy.

H is forcing me down along a path that is to early to travel and one that i know he will deeply regret.

My thoughts about writing a letter was so that he had my feelings in front of him and he could read it and read it if he choose.

Do you think your leter achieved anything ? or do you at least feel better for having sent it ?

I didn't send it. It wouldn't have acheived a thing. I wrote it...just for me!

Several folks suggested that I send it to him after the D was final...if I really felt the need. I don't think I will.

I've made it clear on numerous occasions where I stand on this whole divorce issue...even did again this morning. So, he knows. He's choosing not to regard my thoughts, feelings, etc. because they don't coincide with his own. That's okay!

So, write the letter...but hold on to it for a while. If you still want to send it later, do that.

Hang in there!

Love you!
Amy

Thanks Amy. I thought you sent it once D was filed. I will write the letter and maybe it would have more power later on down the track.

H also knows where I stand . He does not want a D but does not want to be M either. So what do I do ?

If you want him home, then be patient and let him decide. Follow the DB rules and make yourself a better person. There's nothing you can do to make him decide to come home. There's probably a lot you can to do make him decide not to!

So, work on being the best you can be. Set some goals and work towards them, plan fun activities, get out of the house, make an effort to always look your best and to be upbeat and fun, etc., etc., etc. I know some of that's incredibly hard to do, but force yourself. I guarantee that even if he doesn't come home, you'll feel so much better about yourself, that you'll be glad you made yourself do all those things!

So, what have you done for you today?

Hey polly,

I'm sorry not trying to sound rude or anything but is H under the guise of "it's cheaper to keep her." Meaning, it's cheaper not to get divorced (he can't afford it), it's cheaper so I don't have to pay child support or alimony? I just don't understand that line of thinking.

It's one thing to be separated BUT yet trying to work it out.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

That's not fair to you either.

I'm sure you've tried telling him all that you listed of what you wanted to say in your letter. Believe me, I've been there too. The answer is so easy and so simple but for whatever reason, our spouses just think it's the most difficult thing in the world to do. It's their Mt. Everest.

I like Amy M's idea, write it but don't send it. He will realize what he's missing, not today, maybe not tomorrow but he will realize and by then it may be too late.

I feel very bad for what I did in my marriage but a friend told me that it takes 2 to mess it up, not just one. As badly as I feel and as many times as I've apologized my W has to be ready to accept my apology and she has to be ready to accept blame in this marriage too.

Hang in there...

One more thing, that's a powerful sentence Amy M - So, what have you done for you today?

Hi guys

No I am really upbeat, feel great, bust etc etc but H is making decisions that are forcing my hand towards D . Yet H does not want it. The reason he does not want is :

1. Economy not good
2. Has not let go himself
3. I am back up plan

I am looking forward to weekend. i have plans and a trillion chores ( which I dont want to do but need to if visitors are to find the front door ).

H is full of empty threats I feel and I may force his hand on some of those threats. Trouble is , it could mean the end to his lavish lifestyle. wonder how that works for the ' gold digger '

ha ha

I do have to admit, I hvaen't read all of your thread but you do sound so much more confident and happier.

Have a great weekend!

I am happier because I have sat back and been the better person and allowed H to take the lead. I then followed info on here about getting good advice from the proffesionals and consequently I am in a strong position.

I am stronger in every single aspect - such as emotionally, finacially and with my kids. an do to me.

Right now there is ( unless I am missing something )not one thing H can do to me now and that is reassuring for my sanity