Baggy - I have to 100% agree with you, that it takes a woman some time to really find within her the areas that are turned on by oral, both giving and receiving. It is very intimate, almost TOO intimate, and therefore, intimidating.
I was never into it with my ex-h. I did do it though, as I loved him and I loved the way it made him feel. I wished I could have enjoyed it, and I tried several ways to find enjoyment out of it (ie: get a can of whipped cream and be playful, play strip/oral poker, have a few drinks first, etc)...but no matter how I would try, I still didn't enjoy it that much, other than enjoying that I was making him feel good.
In my current relationship, upfront I told him I wasn't that into it. He didn't say anything in response, just respected that I had said that. He said he enjoys it but its not a deal breaker if I don't. We went on that way for several months, and he never asked or even hinted about it during that time. Then one time I decided "oh what the heck..." and just went for it, unsolicited. He was so happy, because I chose to give him this gift. After that I was kinda like "hmm....that was curiously a turn on...I'm gonna try that again"....
From there I have loved it ever since, and he is happy, too. But the key for me was that he could have gone without it. Self-assured-ness is so sexy! He would not have asked for it NOR have pouted if I never really wanted to do it. He may have felt a loss, but he wouldn't have said so because I had made my disclaimer upfront.
And as for forcefulness, grabbing by the hair, etc....that all came into the picture as our intimacy and closeness expanded over the years. At this point, we can play just about any game you can think of along those lines.
Cinco - I get it. I understand. I don't know if Mrs. C will ever get it but....that's still yet to be seen. When you say you still can't this point through to her, I'm just going to throw it back at you again....how can you get the point through to her if you don't talk about it? I know it feels like you two do talk about it, but really, you haven't had any type of talks recently that would be good, you haven't insisted that she finish reading SSM, you haven't insisted on counseling (no matter what the cost) and without these tools, you aren't going to have much luck.
But on the plus side, HURRAH that you DID get a bj this week! Got to always be thankful at our blessings!
My complaint is that she does not WANT sex for herself, doesn't enjoy it any longer. She only obliges me for the sake of keeping me around. I've been at this almost a year now and still can't get this point through to her. Her wanting *it* and me is what I truly want.... She still just wishes I would lose my desire for sex altogether. I want mutual desire between us.... she wants a platonic roommate that pays the bills. I'm stumped as to how I get her to find the joy in sex, especially when I don't think she wants to find it. Cinco
No, I totally understand what you are saying. Mechanics are tertiary. She doesn't want sex and it doesn't matter what trapeze you swing from, she doesn't want to be there and she doesn't want to be there with YOU. My wife keeps talking to her OBGYN about her lack of desire. (once a year, whether she needs to or not) Accepting that it isn't a physical problem would mean that she has to take a look at our relationship/intimacy/mental/history status and that isn't going to happen.
The fact that she will do it doesn't give you a feeling or level of intamacy / love ? If she is willing to do it doesn't that make you feel like she wants to please you and make you feel loved ? Just asking... I feel like if mine would even occasionally it would make me feel more deeply loved and that my sexual desires mattered. As I mentioned elswhere I am only guessing how I would feel - no oral either way in my relationship - she has put the cabosh on it all.
Stillhope...I know you were addressing Cinco, but I'm going to weigh in here for a moment...I don't know if you read my post above, where I said I didn't enjoy it with my ex-h, but I did it anyway...
I know my ex-h felt loved by me, and he appreciated the effort, but what he really wanted was my enthusiasm. Because I was never enthusiastic about bj's (or sex in general with him) he always felt it was basically pity sex. And sadly enough, he was sort of correct. Although I did not pity him, I did feel bad for him that he wasn't getting as much as he would like from me in the sex department, and so I would occasionally "give it to him" without him asking. But this was not what he really wanted. He wanted me to WANT him and to CHOOSE him. He wanted me to come home from work and declare "baby, I just can't wait to rip your clothes off" and jump his bones, ALL ON MY OWN DESIRE TO DO SO. He wanted to see and feel that I wanted him, not that I was just giving him sex as a favor, with nothing in it for myself.
I knew and understood what he was asking from me, and I just didn't have it within me to give to him. (I am not speaking for Mrs. Cinco here, I think she has more in her to give Cinco than I did to give my ex-h...but still)...I knew I couldn't really give him what he wanted from me so I tried to give him what I could.
Instead I should have gone to counseling and found out exactly why I couldn't feel my lust and passion for my ex-h. And if I could have, through counseling, discussion, and exploration, found that passion and lust for him, I would have jumped at the chance to behave that way. The problem was I was too emotionally immature to really face the idea that I was running away, scared of intimacy.
Stillhope...I feel bad for your sitch, but I don't think it would be any better or different if you were to get more sex, but only because your W was giving it as a duty. (Again, not speaking for Mrs. Cinco).
Stillhope, DQ is saying above almost exactly the way I feel about it. I do know that Mrs. Cinco loves me. She even has said, "I do *this* because I love you." I do appreciate her doing it but something is missing .
As DQ says it all lacks that "I want to jump your bones" feeling. I know how it feels to be truly DESIRED and CHOSEN. That is what is missing. Because the desire is missing, if I didn't insist on some level of sex and intimacy, it would never happen.
I don't want to be someone's chore. Does that make sense?
I think I understand and hear what your saying. Frankly, sometimes it is hard to read and doesn't give me lots of optimism. I think my relationship is improving. I'm hopeful. I know it takes time to repair extensive damage to a relationship as happened in mine. I want to be hopefull that our sex life will recover and be more exciting. But the reality is it might not. I miss oral (both ways) huge. Cinco says he can't imagine a marriage without it. Whelp - I'm living one. It may return but this area is one that there's a fair probablilty won't - and it bums me.
A day at a time. Just hope by the time enough trust is built and she's willing to be a bit more free and experimental (if ever) and giving I won't have to take a pill to participate. Frickin depressing.
For me I guess I think the part of her being into it isn't a real big problem for me. I am sorry it is for you and am kind of thankful that isn't a current front burner issue for me. My wife is one of those that doesn't do much of anything she doesn't want to except for kids. If she doesn't want to have sex or do a certain thing it isn't happening - end of discussion (or non discussion). Not saying she hasn't done it just to shut me up (basic only) - she has and it definitly can be ascertained. But not often. It's why no oral for us - she doesn't want to so scratch that. Most times we have sex she seems to want to and participates. My situation is it isn't all that often although there has been an uptick just recently.
I think I can understand your wishes - mercy sex is good *maybe* a couple times a year IMO. The rest of the times it is more of an emotional slam to the matt.
Sorry to be whiney. I need to work on other DB stuff and shelve the repair work on this aspect of my marriage for a while. Got to keep my mind focused on more positive and productive areas.
Shwoo... that's a relief to know. :p