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Looked for you on Dancing with the Stars. Were you there?

Matilda,
I was out dancing last night. Ladies are so appreciative of a competent male dancer. It's nice to dance without my W present, and having to worry if I'm having too good a time with someone else. She hinted that she wanted to go, but I ignored her. There would be no benefit to her going. One lady that I danced with invited me again to a Sunday night venue, saying my presence was needed. I may take her up on her offer.

My W told me that someone in the latin dance community asked her why I haven't been coming, and if we were having problems. She declined to answer her question.

Her dancing friend who is going thru a D, has been over these past few nights. He does seem like a nice fellow. His W sounds emotionally abusive. He sounds like he is GAL for himself, and my W is helping to connect him in the dance community. He seems like a good man, so I am friendly to him when he is over. I don't think he's the person my W is having an EA/PA with.

I'm glad that things are stable, so that I can work on getting my balance, and work on my GAL plans of building my own dance network, writing and connecting in the writing community, and taking care of my sheep puppy dog.

CL

Well, sounds like you are moving forward on the GAL part. Most here will tell you that is one of the most important things to do. First and most important, its best for you. And in terms of dbing, it is good fo wife to see. Good for you!

How interesting that your W is choosing to have compassion for this man and not for you...especially when you describe him and his sitch in terms that are essentially identical to yours.

I'm glad your GAL activities are helping you.

Beginner and Aud,

I feel like I'm getting stronger and reilient thanks to GAL activities. It's a nice feeling to have connection in one's life, and to pursue activities that bring joy, stimulation, and connection. It also feels good to be out in the world (beyond work) as my own person, making my own connections, cultivating my own interests, being someone besides a H trying to fix a M.

Aud,
You always have the most interesting observations. It probably is more than coincidence that she is friends with this particular person. I may bring it up to my IC tomorrow.

I know there is work to be done beyond GAL activites, mostly in the area of boundaries with my W, and acceptance.

CL

GAL activities are important, I am glad you are going out.

What concerns me is that you are being emotionally fulfilled by your dance activities and seem to put more of an effort into that part of your life then your Marriage.

I also feel your Wife is doing the very same thing with her newly Divorced friend.



I disagree with you....and your intuition.

You play things too safe.....

Time to do another 180 and take a risk

BND,
It sounds like you think I had an opportunity to lean into that conversation, and could have had a potentially productive R talk. I think that's fair. I wondered about that myself, which wasn't conveyed in that post. I'll agree that the conversatiion had potential for a 180, which wasn't taken, and you disagree, with my stance of saying nothing. I think it's fair to call me on that.

In general, I think my DB strategies are sound. She has made a decision to have an EA/PA. I don't see where pursuing her is a strategy I can agree to, and still have self-respect. She has made a choice, and needs to experience the consequences of that. This means she can't have it both ways--an EA/PA and my availability.

My issue has been a problem of setting boundaries for verbal and emotional abuse. Many 180's need to occur in this area.

She is convinced that I'm the problem. For too many years I bought into that, and like a gerbil on a wheel, tried to make her happy in my own way. It's time I start to have my own perspective on the marital issues, and respectfully let her know that I disagree with her perspective.

I will take a risk though, as you say when opportunity presents itself, as she was possibly trying to reach out to me. It was cruel to dismiss it.

Her words are hollow to me at this point. Her defensiveness, blame, and spin on reality is tiring. The 12 months of sleeping elsewhere, seven months of separation, one year of her depression, has left me wanting to seek joy and connection elsewhere, rather than putting effort into a W who seems to have little potential of change.

DB states that if things aren't improving, it may be because my 180's aren't different enough. I have to do 180's that are significantly different (like standing up to verbal and emotional abuse).

Maybe I'm not putting much effort into my M, is because I'm beginning to have doubts about whether I want to continue with it. The book I'm reading (I know you think I rely on books too much), states that one has to be willing to end a R, before one can stand up to verbal and emotional abuse.

This is a new perspective for me. I've been consistently loyal throughout this ordeal. Maybe the GAL activities, and pulling back on effort, that you are seeing, are the 180's that I need to do, and my W needs to see.

Thanks for making me think. Experimenting and monitoring results is hard work.

I've been on the MLC forum now for two weeks, and am happy I made the switch here. There is a nice balance of confrontation and support here. I feel like I've moved to the right neighborhood, and am grateful that old friends from Piecing stop by for visits, to share their perspectives.

CL

Hey CL, thanks for posting to me. Did you ever hear about Bill Ferguson's Mastery of Life? Look it up online. You might like what he has to say. It helped me.

Hey CL, thanks for posting to me. Did you ever hear about Bill Ferguson's Mastery of Life? Look it up online. You might like what he has to say. It helped me.

I visited my IC yesterday and told him my thoughts on my pattern of tolerating verbal and emotional abuse from my W. He agrees that this is where my 180's need to occur for my own personal growth, and to change the relational patterns.

My assignment is to rehearse some phrases that I can use when my W is being disrespectful. A good example is when she's complaining about the mess in the kitchen, after I've been cooking all day for our PT job, is to remind her what would I would appreciate hearing from her. My line could be, "How about, thanks for cooking."

I realize that these 180's may not be enough to save the M. I have to stop the verbal/emotional abuse for my own self-respect. At some point she has to be willing to acknowledge her issues and work on them. Watching her words when angry would be a good start.

A prior poster wants me to take greater risk with my 180's. She says that I'm playing it too safe, and not putting enough effort into the M. This is where my effort needs to be. Until I receive respectful communication from my W on a regular basis, I will not be able to form the connection and intimacy needed to sustain a M with my W.

My GAL strategy stays as it is as long as the sleeping elsewhere continues--dancing 3-4X per week on my own, writing alone and networking with the writing community, and spending time with my sheep puppy dog.

As far as where I'm at on the darkness/availablity spectrum of my R, I am available for conversation when my W is home, but will not socialize with her in the dance community, or with family, as long as she is sleeping elsewhere.

CL