Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice V

Just checking in to say hi, and see how you are. All in all, given "the givens", you are moving along pretty well.

How are the GAL activities going? Other than going out with buddies, are you taking a class or a hobby or joining a group? Seems like that would help you with the "down time" and you'd meet people who won't remind you of W at all. New people.

Just a thought. Also, the drinking is a two edged sword. I love a glass of wine and a hot bath. It's fun to have a "girl's night out" too. But if I were to get seriously buzzed or have a hang over--that's my definition of having too much, is feeling it the next day or waking up to recall doing or saying something regrettable or embarrassing. . I'm a tad oversensitive to this issue as the daughter of a highly functioning alcoholic who dictated our childhood with his moods. I admit that, alright? But along with that biased sensitivity comes some insights as well. Since drinking WAS at least one issue for you and your w with the jealousies, (and her drinking now) I think you should keep an eye on it, or at least know in the back of your mind it did NOT help your marriage or your attitude.

I always wondered about what my father thought of his drinking. He was a very well educated man. High stress job at a governmental agency he could not discuss and oh, nine kids born in 12 years...

I am positive, that No one ever told him he was the "life of the party" and I certainly KNOW that there were so many many times he'd get up in the morning and know he'd done something stupid or crappy the night before. Never apologized that I can recall, just acted as if it was somehow justified or he'd work on it, or whatever. And he kept drinking until after my mother left him and filed for a sep. THEN He asked all 9 of us children about his drinking and as far as I know we each said essentially the same thing--"yeah dad, you're brilliant and educated with a great job--and you are also a raging alcoholic too and you did some lousy things those Saturday nights--"

He got really depressed about those answers...and joined AA and got a lot better. For 7 years they were sep and began "dating" again and living close to each other. Mom got cancer and dad took care of her and she's fine now. Dad got liver cancer and died. Yes, it was related to his drinking.

Just rambling here to see if any of it resonates. Doesn't have to. Just passing it on. I do think heavy drinkers almost always underestimate how much they drink and almost always underestimate the damage done by the awkward, or hostile situations they create.

At least you know it was a problem. How will it be different if you and w were to reconcile?

What are you modelling now for your children? In drinking, in jealousy management, in forgiveness. I hear a lot of "that'll show her" in your words. Sounds angry or at least punitive. And it really isn't our job as LBSers to show the WAS the consequences of their actions. Remember that life will do that for us. It certainly is doing that for your w. Try not to gloat too much, though of course sometimes it is hard not to.

Take care, I know how hard this is. (Yes I do...been there, done that). It does get better and will continue to, with a 2 steps forward 1 step back way, no matter what your w does.

((( j )))

Day 2. Feel I may be slipping a little. Thoughts of her and the whys are back. A little melancholy, but I am praying for strength to be true to myself. Seeing her, being around her was harder than i thought. At least I know I still have emotion, that is a good sign. this next wave of darkness should put me over the top. Busy weekend, going to D29 today and hang out with her and my SIL. Feel strong knowing I know what I feel right now. The feeling that I should have maybe stretched my meeting with her thursday a little farther, but the realization that today would hurt more.

Concerned about myself right now. Talking myself out of this, can't remember her face. Strange how I can not remembver her face and I just sawher thursday. Has anyone gone thru this?

I was just talking about you, miss you. Yes, my father died of cancer that had settled in his liver, because of his heavy drinking. We both come from heavy drinking families. I watch myself very well and remember everything I say or dowhen i drink, I do not want to go back down the stupid path...

I will not change from what and who I am right now, reconciliation or not....I know this. One, I am having more fun, obviously because I am more conscious. Two, financially, I can go out and not break the bank.

I am way past the "that'll show her" stage of my life. actually I am in the that'll teach me stage of my life LOL. My 21 days was incredible, just posted before I read you about starting it again and feeling a little melancholy. Hearing from her and seeing her two days in a row, and not being able to picture her face in my mind. Good and bad I suppose. Her contacting me this past time and all the others, because of some money issue. No other reason, so that helps my mind. No false signs, no intent and absolutely expectations. Not sure what she sees n me now when she looks or hears or sees. don't care. I am still walking upright, shoulders back and head high. I look people in the eye, I always have a hello on my lips, and a very postiive attitude. I think you are all right, the pain isn't going to go away...So I am living with it, and pushing it down. I pray often for strength, I pray for Him to watch over people now, my kids, my friends and her. I no longer pray for her to come back. that is not on the list right now.

I have thought long and hard about what and how I would be if she came back. would I fall back to the untrusting , jealous, belligerent drunken a$$^ole again? Nope. I saw the damage it did to my kids, to my relationships and the pain it causes me every waking day. I like being the "life of the party" " the teller of jokes, and people laughing with me and because of me, not at me. I have grown way to much in 7 months. I have many scars and I have healed myself, no one else did it. With every beer I have, comes a sober responsibility. Know who you are today, know that who you were caused some of this pain, know where you are, know your limits, this is a good time, you want to remember it....Yep, I say that to myself each time I go out with my friends. I can not drink like I did, I will not drink like I did...

She is a very vague memory to me. I am sorry to say that , but as I posted earlier, I still have the emotion, which I think is good. My melancholy will lift, it is only day of the the 30 again. so I have time...

I am still doing my country line dance lessons on Monday nights. I love it and I have met a ton of people. My circle gets larger every week. My number one goal for this new year was a better job, it may soon be realized, so I am very excited. Negative things still fall on me, but i am able to rise above and understand what I can and can not control. When bad things hit. I bark once and move on, deal with it, and get it behind you...Have to, or I will go insane. Please keep posting in, really missed you. Me and FaithFulH were just talking about you Wednesday night.

Just checking in and will post more later.

You are making it. Keep on keepin' on....this is all about you now, not her.

(( j ))

Day 5, again. feeling better today. It is amazing that when I am around her, the flood of feelings that come back. Was busy most of the weekend and enjoyed my kids. Had a nice Sunday dinner. D17 commented its been a while since we sat down for a meal together. told them Sunday dinners will be a regular thing now. No excuses, we will all sit down for a nice dinner togheter. It was great, good food, nice conversation, everyone pitching in to help pick up. Very nice...

Day 5 of 30, need to get back to my strength....

LD
You are getting back to your strength. I think as those "floods" happen, in time, they won't come in as far and they'll recede faster and eventually you'll have built yourself up enough that they don't get in at all.

IF the time comes someday, you can put your walls down and let her in, but for now, it's good to build what you can to withstand what you must. Keep the focus on the kids and GAL and perhaps stop analyzing your pain so much. Seems a bit like taking the temperature too often, if you know what I mean.

Take care, stay strong, feel the goods more than the bads, focus on THOSE...

(( j ))

thanks, my recovery does come quick. The pain mostly is the rethinking that she just walked away without a second thought. that is what hurts and will hurt for a while. I am very focused on myself, things are going on with a possible new job and as I psoted it is number one on my new years resolution. She has been weird lately, kids have noticed her trying to contact/cvonnect with them more. they tell me it is whatever. They really don't seem to be warming up to her. I have decided trying to seek or win the attention of someone else is out of the picture. opportunity came and I blew it away. I have decided to be me and hang out with people who like to have my company. My strength has been remarkable, and I mean it. I am amazed. At 21 days i was rock ready to rumble, then she calls and then the next day. Its always about money so I see no signs in this contact, no conenction, no emotion and no nothing. I recite a few mantras to myself and basically talk myself in from the ledgfe as it were. It helps alot. Being so heavily focused on my life right now is where I want to be. Day 6, limited thoughts of her, just the how could she not feel anything after all the time together, and then I tell myself, it is what it is, questioning her actions , I might as well ask for the winning mega millions numberxs LOL....Godd hearing from you how is your deal going?

LD, get the stop sign out and USE IT. You keep mind reading. How do you know whether she has second thoughts or not? YOU DON'T "KNOW" ANYTHING OF THE SORT . "How could she not feel anything...?" STOP IT, you don't know what the heck she feels and frankly, I doubt she knows. This is useless, counter productive, probably inaccurate, totally out of your control, and again, NOT HELPING YOU at all....why do you do it so much? Why do you focus on the most negative interpretation and then stay on it? And return to it? Again and again? Hmmm??? Only you can stop it LD...only you.

STOP SIGN TIME...seriously. Get it out and put it in front of your face every time you decide to once again, wallow in the negative spin that might be true, at the moment, and is always UNproductive....OR NOT!! Maybe you can just be for awhile. And as for the speedy recoveries, thank GOD for those.

Literally. The thing is, when you turn it over to Him, you recover. But then you take the problem back from Him and then you wallow and spiral down. So turn the M over to HIM, and let HIM take it in His hands, and keep it there. Just leave it there. He'll reveal your path and the way- to you when it is time. I'm no genius or prophet, but I have a feeling it is not His will or time right now, and He wants you to GAL and be content and feel His love and rely on His friendship, loyalty and LOVE, so you can heal enough to be able to cope with hers...I don't know the ultimate outcome cuz I'm not God. But if you do your best here as a man and a believer and have some faith, then leave the results up to HIm...really. I know this is hard but it is NOT complicated. Make sense?

((( j )))

Yeah it does. you are right, when I was dark for so long, my life was better, sad to say, but it was. I see her and the best way for me to get back on track and away from the sitch, leaving it to Him, is to basically enrage myself. It doesn't last. what she thinks or does is none of my concern, what matters is what I think and what I do. And absolutely, when I get back on my dark road, He has the reins and I feel so much better, more complete because I am not hanging on or sitting and waiting for "signs". And yes, I tell myself to Stop It, outloud when I have these thoughts so I am doing it. and it does work.

Again my thought process is that she is not who she was. end of story. I do not know this person she has become, nor do I want to. I get aggravated when she contacts me or if I see her, because I don't want to...I am so focused on me and my life right now, that monkey wrenches in the works is very unproductive for me. I hate putting energy into the negative thoughts, but I have been told it will happen and that I need to get them out and not fester over them, which I have been doing (getting over it, not festering).

As for what I think she thinks or feels, well, its like I always say, opinions are like as@#$%s, everyone has one, but they are best not shared. It is my opinion, does she hurt, does she have to worry about what I worry about, does she feel lonely, depressed, unhappy, no I don't think she does, my opinion, because that's what she tells everyone. I understand that she says things to justify her actions, but after 7 months, it sounds to me like she may have convinced herself totally. Again, my opinion, but i do not want to dwell on that thought because it hurts. I am back on my dark road, praying tohim to watch over her and to keep up my strength, and praying for my kids, their health and well being, but at no time since January one have I prayed for reconciliation, her thoughts to turn to me, us getting together, none of that. I have given all that to him, and him alone. I don't talk about it, I don't speak about it and for the past day or two, don't think about it. By this time next week or even this weekend, the negative thougths about what I think about her will be gone, completely. the longer I am away, the quicjker I recover when I slip.

but it is nice to see that my telling myself to Stop, outloud and knowing that I do it because, one, i hurts to even think that way and two, of which you are 100% correct, I don't know what is in her head.

I have basically written myself off with regard to being with anyone at this point in my life. I need to be for me, not a relationship, not another persons feelings, nothing....This new job possibility came within my 21 Days of darkness, thats how focused I was and how my postiive feelings were working for me. I am getting back there in time for the final interview. I am very positive that I will get this job and my life, on the finacial side will improve dramatically. Once I have that off my back, I move forward to other aspects of my life that I may want to change.

I am very hard on myself, because I have to be. I cannot let up or relent, I must stay motivated to keeping myslef on track and moving forward, any other action is unacceptable. the best way to do this is to leave my sitch and her in His hands. And when I feel myself relent or try to analyze, I know I am just getting in the way.

thanks for the advice, stop works, it does, but I am not a fool in believing I won't have this pain for the rest of my life. I have accepted it, and I move forward regardless.

you will NOT have THIS pain the rest of your life. If you do, you are self inflicting it.

Your pain is not eternal and it is not fatal. What are you teaching your children about their setbacks when their hearts get broken? That life as they knew it is over?
That is NOT true. You have to model something different ASAP for them and for you...you will recover. Come on, LD...seriously. Have you read other stories here? The people who did NOT get their m restored and yet somehow live good lives? I HAVE....and those are the ones who did not make it. Who said your life is over and that you'll always feel this pain?

That's absurd. Think again my friend.

(( j ))