Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My situation #9

Ken,

Keep doing what you are doing. I know your in a rough spot and that the ship is not heading where you want it to go but as you said its out of your control. Keep your chin up and concentrate on being you and not letting her chitt get to you.

Take care

Tim

Obviously this man has not been hit by a MFT 2x4 yet. He may change his mind after that tree trunk hits him a couple of times and he is picking splinters out of his head for a week.

Hi Tim. I'm working on it. Each day that passes it seems like it gets easier and easier to detach. I'm not hiding from any of it, rather, I'm facing it head on and yielding to what is.

Some days it still comes in at times and hits me a bit, but I'm pretty quick to narrow my mind into the task at hand - so that's working well for me. Keeping my mind from being in the past or projecting out into the future.

I had a session with my psychiatrist and that went well. He told me he was proud of all the changes I've made and how far I've come. He asked me if I've gotten to the point of not loving my W anymore. I told him no. He said there comes a point at sometime where you just don't love them anymore. He told me his ex W tried coming back to him a year after they D and he told her there was too much water under the bridge.

I commented on how I've heard that said by so many people. And he told me it happens alot. I quoted some statistics I read about a survey that was done on people who initiated D 5 years after - something like 80% reported they were no happier than when they were married. Approximately the same amount said they wished they had stayed in the M and worked out the issues.

Anyway, I'm doing well. Keeping the focus where it belongs and finding it easier and easier to do it. My detachment level is pretty high and I don't find myself wondering about my W's thoughts/feelings/actions, etc.. It doesn't matter to me. Again, it's not that I don't care - it's more like I can't be bothered.

So that's the update.

And Tim, lol at the splinters. I find that it's a beating done with love....

I remembered this quote tonight - just popped in out of nowhere while I was sitting in the waiting room at the psychiatrists office. I heard it a long time ago:

Good for you Ken,

The WAS only sees the past never the present in our situations. They cannot accept us for who we are now and sometimes I believe they are angry at us fo waiting so long to change.

I feel that is where my W is at right now, angry that I waited so long. Angry that I did not know how much pain she was in and change myself so many years ago. But as you said the past is history and I can only deal with stuff from today forward and that is what both of us are doing.

I also feel that after the D their anger disipates and they see the LBS in the present and resent the fact that they did not see it while they were M. I wish your W could see you for who you are now as I do my W.

I'm her for you my friend. All will work out for you and your kids as long as you keep your emotions in check and let her chitt be her chitt and not yours.

Have a great weekend,

Tim

This is a nice little tidbit for dealing with the negativity that sometimes gets thrown our way.

Hey Steady...just stopping in to say hello...still following along when I get the chance.

Take care of yourself and those kids.

NDS

I liked this quote from robx on JDollie's thread so I'm copying it here:



Don't be so firm on the dates.

You've waited this long, waiting longer can't hurt.

Few things to mention:

1. Stop offering the tires, you've offered once, she knows about your kind gesture, if she wants to take you up on it, she will, if not she will find another way. Yes she is driving your kids around and while she does that she is responsible for them: time to give her some credit about being a responsible adult, if she continues to drive with tires that aren't up to spec, she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. If it bothers you that much that she drives your kids around with a car on bald tire, tell her that you will drive kids to/from places until she gets her tires taken care of. That way it's still up to her to take action and you're just taking care of your kids, not her. So again, stop offering the tires - it's a form of pursuing and it chases her away, trust me.

2. Continue your cheery, happy, nothing could be better attitude when she calls, when she asks for assistance with the kids, be there to help her. She could be finding reasons to talk to you or hear your voice. Think of it as her subtly pursuing you, put yourself in that frame of mind, stop being the chaser, imagine her chasing you. I think the call was just to say a few words to you.

3. Stop sending follow up emails about being 100% done, she's heard you a few times no doubt: in person, phone, email, etc. She knows what you're asking and it shows that you're pursuing big time, stop it, stop chasing her, it drives her away, especially at a time when it's possible she is having second thoughts and even has random thoughts about coming back.

Think about it this way, she's been with someone else and it's possible that relationship may be over and she realizes that the kinds of relationships that are formed when you cheat on your partner are born out of a quick excitement: originally that soda pop was fizzy & bubbly, now it's just flat & tasteless - that happens alot with these kinds of relationships. She may also be feeling guilt now, she screwed up and her bad karma is coming around to bite her in the a$$ now - that's how it works. You mess with someone's life energy to be extremely selfish and when that karma is released, it takes it's time, circles the planet and then comes back with the negative energy she put out. How did you feel when this all began? Hurt, betrayed, speechless, dumbfounded, brokenhearted, painful, weak, sad, depressed, angry, hurt? How do you feel now? I would have to say 100% different - you've taken charge of your life, showed her you can live without her and that it's actually ok, better than ok, it's great. How's her life now? Her bad karma came back and it's biting her in the a$$ right now: relationship with the OM is possibly over (I bet you it is), she has to be responsible for herself now, on top of that duties she once shared with you in taking care of the kids are resting on her shoulders now when she has them, no one to turn to, a crap job that pays poorly, lack of funds, no partner to turn to, life is starting to appear bleak & tough. It's her life lesson to learn, let her learn it.

If you're there always pursuing her, she'll always know she can have you whenever she wants - if that's the case, she'll take her time if she ever decides to come back and even then I would be suspicious because of her possibly repeating her crap behavior.

Make her work for it.
Stop being easy.
Don't ask her if you guys are over.

Adopt the mindset that it is over. Don't ask her anymore. Don't pursue her, chase her. Act cheerful, happy, have the attitude that it's great to be alive and life is great. Keep on getting a life and doing things.

Don't give her ultimatums: don't scare anyone into submission, you would want her to come back because she loves you, she is sorry for what she has done to you and is willing to work hard to earn your trust back through positive consistent actions that prove she can be trusted. If you keep telling her you're going to a divorce and this is it, you're telling her that you're waiting for her to submit to your pressure - that sucks, it isn't inviting. She basically is in dumpsville now and you're asking her to go from one bad situation to another - if she wants to come back, she has to pursue you not be pursued & forced into it.

You've done well with going dark and detaching, keep on doing it. Take care of yourself and make yourself & your kids your #1 priority and don't worry about her right now. Be kind & pleasant with her and stop talking about the relationship, stop using logic, stop communicating what you want, stop trying to solve this problem. Just let it be.

Your life is ok right now, no need to rush to the lawyers for you to live your life right now - aside from the expense and the paper that says you're divorced, I don't see how things will be much different: you will still have regular contact with her concerning the kids and that contact will also keep giving you the same feelings of possibly wanting her back.

No ultimatums, give the divorce attorney a break and don't pursue that right now, stop chasing her, just live your life and continue taking care of JD.

That's it, my 0.02 cents - hope this perspective is worth it.

You're getting lots of signals possibly from your karma and her's or the man upstairs to put a break on your current actions and let the world continue unfolding as it is doing. Stay in that rushing "river", don't come out yet to dry, it's not time yet.

Remember 180's, do the opposite of what they expect you to do. Apply that to what you're doing now, put a break on your actions to dissolve the marriage, just continue living your life and making JD the best possible person he can be.

If the OM is truly out of the picture, now more than ever is the time to make yourself into the most attractive man possible and that means no ultimatums, pressure, manipulation, pursuing, etc. Do it for yourself first, not for her, that way it's real and has the greatest possible effect. You've arrived at the fork in the road (and the journey may have been tough up to this point), now you decide how the rest of your life is lived - make the right decision and think about it lots before you pick where you're going and don't fool yourself into thinking you deserve the easy road right now - that doesn't represent the character you've been portraying to us for so long. You've gone this far, continue going further, keep tapping into that unrealized potential that's in you & waiting to be activated.

Good luck bro, I'm rootin' for ya.

Thanks nds. Some days are better than others. Today we sat down to work on some kind of agreement. It happened after we got into a bit of a tussle. She was looking for some paperwork from our MC who told her she still had it, but when I went there for a session today she didn't have it anymore. It was part of an agreement that we started hammering out 2 months ago.

When I told my W the MC didn't have it, she said, "That's bullshit. How did all 3 copies go missing?" Meaning my copy, her copy and the MC's copy. I looked at her and said, "Why are you making assumptions here? Go call her yourself. She looked in her files while I was sitting there and they were not in there."

Then we got into a bit of an argument. It's amazing how when she doesn't get her way she throws a tantrum. It's sad really. I watch it happen everytime there is a wrench thrown into her plan. She's a freakin nutcase. Oh well.

Although I have to say, sometimes watching it is quite amusing.

Weekend was alright. Friday night my W went over to her mom's house with the kids and slept over. I stayed home and did some reading and some stuff around the house.

I had an IC session on Sat at 1:00 and it was a pretty tough session for me. Part of Saturdays happenings are in my last post.

Usual stuff after that. Played with the kids, ate dinner, put them to bed. Went into my room and watched a movie.

Sunday I got up with the kids and my W slept in till around 11. She got up and came downstairs for a little while. She had a report to type up for work and she had a report to type up for information my L asked for regarding the order of protection. So I took a shower and she went up to her room.

Basically I took care of the kids all day as she did her reports. We played, we watched TV, we did puzzles, they played with playdoh, I pretended to be a student and my D was the teacher. The kids played a bit with each other while I got some stuff done around the house. Around 2:00 I took the kids upstairs and gave them a bath in the big jacuzzi tub. They love going in there and playing.

I cooked dinner around 4:30 and went upstairs to tell my W I made dinner. She thanked me and seemed a bit surprised. In the past I wouldn't have just made dinner - usually I would have asked her if she had anything in mind to cook. So I took it on my own to just do it without asking her.

The four of us ate dinner and then my W went back upstairs and I played with the kids.

My W came out when it was time to put them to bed. I sat in my bed and read a story to my D while my S watched TV with the headphones on. I put my D to bed and my W put my S to bed. I went downstairs to catch up on Lost on my Tivo.

My W came downstairs and sat on the couch with me for a little while and she went through the coupons in the paper. Then she went up to her room. I finished watching Lost then went to the gas station down the block and picked up some cookies and candy - I was jonesing for some chocolate for some reason.

I came back home and read more of The Power of Now. That book really helps me keep it in the moment and reminds me to stop my thoughts when they go into the past or projecting into the future.

There are some parts of Sat interaction with my W that I didn't post so I'll update it now. After the interaction with my W about the paperwork from the MC my W started to go upstairs. She turned around and said, "You're really dragging your feet on this." I told her yeah I am. But you're the one who had to go get that court order and created another mess that needs to be worked on. She said, it's just you trying to control and manipulate the situation. I asked her why she's making assumptions about what my intentions are. I said you have no idea what my intentions are and you sit there acting as if you know. I said my dragging my feet has nothing to do with control and manipulation. She started to raise her voice and I told her to keep it down because the kids could hear us. Then she went into me saying at one time, "It's not going to happen on your time is going to be on my time." I told her it's going to happen when it happens and it's not on her schedule.

She was getting annoyed and she turned to go upstairs. Then I said let's work on it now. Then she said ok. Then she said, "Well I don't think so. It's not going to be on your time it will be on my time." I said ok. Then she changed up again and came downstairs to work on it.

She was combative and started in with a few other things. Then she said, "Why do I have to support your lifestyle." I said I wasn't asking her to. She said everyone else in the state pays 25% for child support why do you think you are special and don't have to. I said I didn't think I was special and I didn't care what other people do. I said I want something that's fair and that's all. Then she said, "Why didn't you have a career?" (referring to all the jobs I've held in the past and how I didn't have a career track that led to more money)

I said, "How dare you throw that in my face. You know damn well why I didn't have a career and you have no right to throw the past into my face. It's just you trying to cut me down at my knees just like your mother does to your father. It's your way of trying to control and manipulate me. Whenever you don't get your way you throw a hissy fit." Then she said, "I am so done with you." I said that's been pretty obvious to me.

Things settled down and we sat at the table to work on the agreement. Then I said something, I don't remember exactly what it was, and she said don't talk about that. I said I can talk about anything I want - what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. I have that right. Then she said, well then I just won't answer you. I said fine. I have to stand up for myself and I'm doing it more and more.

So we worked on some stuff. She seems to be softening up on the amount of time I'll be with the kids and the child support. What I want to do is have two overnights a week and every other weekend. For the child support I want both of us to keep receipts and then I pay 40% and she pays 60%. I think that's fair that I only have to pay what is actually spent on the kids. She seemed to be more open to that idea than she was in the past.

The ironic thing is that we have another role reversal. She wants to hammer out this separation and do it as fast as possible, I'm dragging my feet (because I don't want to leave my kids and my house) and she's getting annoyed at me and snapping at me. It's a reversal of me wanting to work on the M as hard and quick as possible and her dragging her feet on doing that - then me getting annoyed at her for doing it. The irony of it all. I was going to mention it to her but realized it didn't make a difference.

I see her pattern. Everything is fine until something ticks her off about the separation stuff. Every time she had a meeting with her L, the day we went to court, the day the paperwork arrived from my L addressed to her, her having to do this big report to answer questions from my L, these are all triggers for her. When she's not in control and getting her way she gets all wound up around the axle and starts spewing negativity.

I know I should have just let what she said roll of my back but I'm tired of being a doormat. Some of what she said to me bothered me but then I realized I don't have to give her that power. Her perception of me is skewed and it's up to me to have the confidence in myself to not own the cr@p that she's trying to stick on me. I know I'm not the guy she's got in her mind and she's still trying to control me by trying to get me to believe that I am. It has to do with weakness in my own self confidence and she plays that up. But I am getting better with it.

So after that stuff she was nice as pie. Laughing and talking to me. She even showed me a video on her laptop that was funny. So she got a piece of what she wanted and turned all happy again. And she's claimed that I'm the one who goes up and down. I've been pretty steady and feeling normal feelings for the sitch - she's been the one who goes all over the place.

Anyway, that's the update.

Ken,

Amazing how nice they can be when they get something that they want. She is all worried about time frames and whose steering the ship when she should be worring about your kids and how this will affect them. fu**ed up isn't it.

You did a good job of not letting her pull you into her drama and staying pretty even keil thoughout the whole ordeal. Don't let her bully you into something you don't want and keep fighting for as much time as possible for those kids. They are only young once.

Next thing you know they will be getting their learners permit and scaring the chitt out of you. I need a brake and steering wheel installed on the passinger side of my car.

Have a great week.

Tim