Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Well, here I am

ugh.

I dont know why but I am emotional tonight. No reason in particular I am literally just sitting here and I keep crying on and off. Its a strange feeling.

Sometimes I just can't believe this is actually happening, I guess it hits me at weird times.

I am the same way tonight. I'm having a tear feast tonight :-). I also can't believe it at times. It's strange being here all by myself having little communication with my H. I feel like part of my life disappeared.... Just thought I'd let you know I know how you're feeling.

Hope tomorrow is better!

Fit,
Sorry to hear you are sad too, but glad to know that I am not alone. I guess at least I just fall apart every now and then instead of everyday like I used to. Its hard to not think of the past, how they used to be, so hard so understand WHY, why you are not worth it to them to at least try...I guess that is how I was feeling last night.

Today I am better. I am going to try and keep myself busy, I am thinking of going and buying a new pair of shoes. That always helps:)

Saw H yesterday, we got together to discuss our house situation over lunch.

He was being nice, but on a friendly level. Asking me questions to fill the quietness, ex: "how have you been", "how is your family" It was funny, I kept catching him staring at me. I have to admit I looked pretty good so I cant blame him. I always make sure I walk in front of him so he can see how many guys check me out! LOL Hey, it makes me feel better.

He was house sitting at his aunts house. I went inside to use the restroom and sat in the living room for a few minutes. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe an invitation from him for me to stay (I should have known THAT was not going to happen!)..but when he turned the xbox on and didn't seem to care, my thoughts were yelling at me "leave! leave!"

So I got up and said I was leaving. He seemed a little surprised and said "oh, ok, well let me walk you out." Which he did with a half-ass side hug goodbye.

I have been feeling more emotional lately, but more in a way of accepting what is happening. Now that I have turned in the papers, everything is real, and I have started thinking about my new life. Possibly being with someone else in the future, being on my own. Its scary but its the reality of the sitch.

I continue to pray everyday. I know nothing is impossible for god and if I am suppose to be with H, I will be. For now it is just getting through the loss.

Jen,

Just a quick check-in. It's so normal to have those weepy days, isn't it? For me, it's my little reality check. Just when I think I've got this thing licked, my sadness and tears kick right in. lol

It doesn't take much, but at least we know that it is actually getting a bit easier with time, just like everyone said it would.

I love how confident you are. Can you give me some of that? It seems like I've lost all of my confidence and self esteem in all of this. Damn it!

Hey Jenn,

Just checking in to see how things are going. The emotional ups and downs will soon fade, then the emptiness comes in and then finally acceptance.

If you still want to work on getting your H back we're here for you. If you want to move on we're here for you too.

stuck

MIP

Thank you! I appreciate your comments. I was just recently able to get my confidence and self esteem back. It is very easy to loose when you are rejected. For me, this took many sessions of seeing my life coach and just time.

As time passes, I really realize that my H has no idea what he is missing out on. He thinks that he has had it so bad with me when in reality, the 2 months we have been separated he has been his worst! Unhappy, stressed out, gaining weight, being incredibly rude/short, he just needs to be mad at himself because now he doesnt have anyone to blame. I am sure he will blame me for his unhappiness for a while, but one day he will realize that the only person responsible for that is himself

Also my faith in God. I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. I try to not let it worry me so much, but I do have my sad days in grieving over the loss of my M. I still have hope and faith that something could change someday. But now I look at it as an opportunity for a bigger, better life. I have done everything that I could to save this M and for a very long time I blamed myself. Now that I have been apart from H, I do see my faults but that it was not all me. Its easier to blame ourselves even when we are not in the wrong.

I know there has some debate on whether or not a separation helps or makes things worse, and I cant really tell you if it changed anything for me (better or worse). By us separating, it allowed me to put my foot down and put a stop to his taking advantage of me and walking all over me. It has also allowed for me to see what being alone is going to be like and this way it wont be a shock when it really happens. Its different for everyone but this is another thing that has added to my confidence.

I just know now, that even though its hard, I know I am going to be ok

Thanks Stuck, i really do appreciate that
It helps so much to come here and let out my feelings. Im not much of a journal keeper so this is like a therapy for me

Just doing some journaling

H called yesterday to tell me of some charges he made on our account ( I am keeping track of the bills for right now) and he seemed to be in a decent mood.

I called him back literally 15 minutes later to ask one question about a charge he just made that I misunderstood and he was being so RUDE! (not about WHAT i called about, just that I called i guess) I could tell he was driving, and I asked why he was being mean all of a sudden and he completely flipped out on me. Saying things like " i dont want to talk right now I am in a really bad mood, if you keep asking me questions I am about to get really pissed off" So I maintained my composure, said that I hoped his day got better and hung up.

Then I started getting really mad. H never acts this way. He has been a complete mess, I dont even know him anymore and he wont open up to me for nothing. I have already told him he could come to me if he ever needed to talk, he knows it, so I am not going to keep repeating myself.

I sent him a text that said:

I do not deserve to be treated that way by you. So, please dont talk to me anymore unless it involves an apology. The only person responsible for your feelings is you, not me.

I will not take his disrespect anymore like I used to.

Sure enough he called later on that night and apologized...but it wasnt the best apology, It was like "ya im sorry if i was being rude or whatever earlier, i have a question for you about the bank account..."

Luckily I was leaving a concert with my friends when he called so I am glad he heard that my life is still continuing even when he was a complete jerk. I used to let it ruin my whole day

All of this and I still stay in faith that things could turn around.

Hm.

Just got a text from him that said:

"Im just not having a good period of time in my life right now. That's all"

I just responded with, "You know I am here for you despite our situation if you ever need to talk"

I didn't want to give too much. Do you think that is ok? He is so horrible at reaching out when something is wrong. He holds it in for so long and never says anything, and that is exactly why we are in the situation we are in right now.