1. Received really sweet e-mail from J. Still wants to see me. Will be seeing him when I go to CA on the 29th. Very excited all day. Feel like a teenager again with the anticipation.......haven't felt this way in a long time (even before seperation from H).
2. On the ferry ride home, D24 calls me. I'm a grandmother. Not "gonna be a grandmother"........AM a grandmother. D24 gave birth to an 8 lb. 9 oz. baby girl today. She didn't know she was pregnant.......
3. At D24's request (remember she doesn't speak to her dad) I called and told H the big news. He is shocked.......acts very strange. Says he needs some time to digest it all (understandable). I asked if he wanted to call him Mom or should I. (Remember MIL and I have been in touch during my sitch). H adamantly demands I not tell his mother. Strange that he is so beligerent about it. Says he will "handle it his own way". Have no idea what that means and what is up with his attitude.......He says "this is not a story book"
4. My grand-daughter is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!! Love at first sight!! I call H to tell him.......left him a voice mail telling him how amazing she is.
5. D24 asks me if H is coming to see the baby. She says she doesn't care when I tell her that H may need some time to come to grips with this, but I can see the pain in my daughter's eyes. She tells me that she knows H has a girlfriend now and has even taken her up to the "dream house". [H promised me he wouldn't do that.....] I don't let my upset at that show to my daughter though. I just tell her that it's his loss and now she just needs to concentrate on getting to know her new daughter......I make her promise me to be kind to herself and to realize she will make mistakes, but to know that I am there and not hesitate to call me if she feels "overwhelmed" and needs a break.
6. Had a LONG talk with S17. He is very angry at H for "cheating again". Doesn't want to go to H's work again tomorrow (per "the plan"). S and I had a real heart to heart. He seemed to open up........I hope it's real and he's not manipulating me. I love my baby boy......and worry about him.
I really broke down on the drive back to the apartment from the hospital. I hate that I did that in front of S17. I don't understand why my family is so messed up!!??! Can my daughter give that beautiful baby girl the life she deserves!?? She's only been working at her job for a couple months......they have no money.....nothing! And with the bankruptcy and all, I don't have it either!! I want to go out and buy her all those fun baby things, but I don't even have a credit card any more!
I don't know what H is going to do.......he seemed so strange.......
I told S17 that I was not the one that looked at his my space initially. During my conversation with S, he said that he did not say those things to H about my not cooking and stuff. He said he had said that he does his own laundry and I don't normally eat in the evenings so he fends for himself, but he says he did not say it as a complaint at all, but it was just part of the discussion he had with H. This annoyed me because I see that H is manipulating me, and I didn't aprreciate that. I have always had a real thing for being opne and honest, and I read somewhere that secrets are the hallmark of a disfunctional family, and so I have always tried to be real and never sweep things under a rug.
I know that H will be very angry at me for having told S17 that the OW did the "snooping", but at this point I don't care. I'm not playing the games anymore, nor am I going to live my life worried about what H thinks!! The man he is choosing to be is a jacka** and I'm done with him!! I don't know if I will ever see the man I loved again or if this guy has just killed him off, but I'm not waiting around! I have a new granddaughter to spoil!!!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Wow, that IS News!!!! Congatulations to you and daughter is there a SIL if so congratulations to him to.
I would have had a million questions. I never believed it could happen but I knew one girl who it happened to and it was her 2nd so even more unbelievable. Good thing was she never had morning sickness or any of the niggles you get when pregnant.
My life has been so enriched by my g/son I am sure your suprize g/d will bring you so much joy and love. How long was it since you saw your daughter before today? Do not let your h's reaction spoil one minute of your joy. His reaction re telling his mum was odd, I can't understand that. I probably would have just told her as you are in contact,but thats me. I am such a grandma I bore everyone to death with my darling's progress.
Oh nearly forgot, glad about J. Don't butterflies do wonders for your PMA.
Just a thought, don't wait for your d to ask for help or feel overwhelmed just pop by and help out. She is bound to be still in shock for a while. Many congratulations again. I am so happy for you. I adore babies if you haven't guessed. Just enjoy and ignore all H's antics, his loss.
As far as your h, you told him the news. Do not worry about telling his mother - let him deal with it. Do not call him again about your granddaughter or your daughter. These are his relationships to handle. Not your responsibility to get in the middle of them.
As far as your son, try not to put him in the middle of your issues with your h. Tell h that he is not to talk about you to son and that you will do the same. This is very impportant. Your son has enough to worry about right now without having to deal with you and your h and your issues.
S, try to pull back from your h, if you can. Enjoy your new grandbaby, try to get your financials back on track, be there for your son and daughter, and maybe reconnect with an old friend (J). Let your h blow in the wind. He is responsible for his relationships, you are responsible for yours.
Congrats on the grandbaby!!!! What a blessing! Had you not seen your D in a while? I have heard of many cases of women not knowing they are pregnant and then suddenly going into labor. Facinates me! I'm a bit of a medical story junkie.
Does your D have any other assistance? From the father? The state? She needs to apply for WIC ASAP! I never did which was a huge mistake. At the time our income was so ridiculously low that I could have qualified but I was stubborn and prideful. We struggled mightily to get formula and baby food. I work at a supermarket part time and check out WIC orders often. I'm amazed by the generosity of the program.
Your H......that man is a mess. In your posts about his comments and behaviors he seems like a completely arrogant jacka**. Sorry, just my take on it. He doesn't deserve any of your time, thoughts, or sympathies right now. It's hard to detatch like that but trust me, it is much worse to let his attitudes and opinions control you. He is manipulating you, definitely. It's going to take a lot of strength to pull back from him but I know you have it in you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thank you guys so much for your continued warmth and support.....it really is what holds me even remotely together sometimes......
{{{SMW}}} It's been a long time since I heard from you!!! Thanks for stopping by! Like your new "handle"!!
{{{naej}}} I absolutely adore babies too!! And I told D24 that I was absolutely always here when she needs a break. Actually my boss made a suggestion, that when H finishes work on the house, and if I can get out of my lease, then maybe we could all move in there (me, D24, S17, soon-to-be SIL and GD!!). This would save them money for diapers and such, and I could see the baby every day!! I actually called H about this and he was very supportive of the idea. I talked to D24 and she and fiance are for it too! The work on the house will take a while still (at least a couple months), but they are not on a lease now where they are, so they could actually move any time. Anyway, it's a very possible idea.......
And, yes, butterflies do wonders for my PMA! But, J is in CA, and I wonder, if I were to really fall for this man, how would that work? Before, I had absolutely no issue with relocation as a possibility.....in fact that was somewhat attractive an idea.....now I have a grandbaby to spoil! I definitely want to be a "present" granny. So, not sure how to feel about that.
{{{BM}}} I try not to put S in the middle, and have been doing well at not talking about any of H and my sitch, but then last night and today, I have been all over the place emotionally and he was too, so we talked more. Then today, H talked with S, and in the end S loves his Dad, although he doesn't agree with what H has done, so now he doesn't want to talk about stuff that's happening at all........it's a fine line. I don't want him to sweep his emotions under the rug, and I want to be honest with him, so I try to talk with him genericaly about what I think about relationship and responsibility, but not get into details of stuff with H.
{{{mishka}}} Yes, I had actually seen my daughter at deep water aerobics class a couple weeks ago in her bathing suit and had asked if she wasn't telling me something. She is a large girl, but her stomach was much more "round". She told me that she had taken a couple test's and they were negative. (???) Her periods have always been irregular, and she said that she never felt anything like a kicking. The nurse at the hospital said I would be surprised and how often this does happen!
She has friends who are on WIC and such and knows all about that thank heaven.
As for H......yes, he is often an arrogant jacka** and always has been, although not to this extent. Today, he confirmed that he has "dated" and is now "seeing someone exclusively", and I lost it. He has taken her up to the "dream house" apparently and he promised me (and kids) he wouldn't do that! I feel like I have been emotionally raped by that man! I left work early because I just couldn't think and stop crying. I know this is not the man I married. I don't know who this man is and I certainly don't want him in my life!! But, I will always mourn the man he was......or at least who I thought he was.
I sent him some pretty harsh replies to the e-mails......certainly not good "DBing", but I don't think I care any more.
If you are interested, here's what was said.......
Originally Posted By: Me to H
don't know if you got my voice mail that I left last night, and you are not answering your phone this morning. D has asked me 3 times if you were going to go see the baby. I told her I didn't know, but that I thought you would, and if you didn't it was your loss. She said "You can't blame me for hoping, Mom."
Whatever you think, H, your daughter loves you and actually underneath all that bitterness she shows, she actually craves your approval. And GD is an absolutely beautiful baby girl who deserves to be welcomed to the world with nothing but joy. I think/hope that D24 will surprise you on how good a mother she will be. She still has her job, and I believe, still plans to go to school. Fiance seems to know and accept her as she is and is ga-ga for his baby girl.
By the way, D had her by c-section, and when she gets out of the hospital (tomorrow?) she is planning to go to Fiance's parent's house because his mom doesn't work and will be able to help her with the baby while she gets over the surgery.
And, no they really didn't know D24 was pregnant......although in D's case I strongly suspect that at least "underneath" she really knew. Be that as it may, the important thing now is GD and her needs. Fiance's parent's are giving them a crib. Granny got her a diaper bag and a couple outfits and some "necessities". And I would like to take some of our tax return ($500) to get her some other big necessities like a car seat and stroller. I hope that that is OK with you. It will still leave you plenty $ for bills.
Also, you should know that I put this announcement on my facebook, and Neice is one of my "friends". So, I really think you should inform your Mother, if you haven't already.
I also had a very open discussion with S17 yesterday. I think he was surprised at how he felt when he saw GD. He really wants to be a good "uncle".......and wants children of his own.......and really seems to love his GF (yes, that's a scary combination). But we really had a good talk about family and responsibility and what that means last night.
D24 said she heard that you had a girlfriend "at place where H worked" and that you had even taken her up to "dream house", and that she was bragging about how beautiful it is up there. I don't know who she heard it from, although I know she has kept in touch with one or two of the people there that she worked with. H, you promised me you would not do that, so I am hoping you have kept your word. S heard this and was very angry about it.
Anyway, I know you are in a turmoil and concerned for D24, but I hope you can get beyond that and welcome your grand-daughter as the beautiful gift she is.
While I was writing that, he must have been writing this. They passed each other in transit....
Originally Posted By: H
When is D24 due to get released from the hospital? I will send flowers and a note. I will send to her apartment.
Please understand that the tone of this message is not anger but a high level of concern, a little shock and major amounts of worry.
I did get your voice mails and chose not to immediately respond. I needed time to think. I found myself reflecting on the e-mail she sent just before xmas eve. I also remembered the e-mails she sent asking for her W2 as recently as 2 months ago. During these e-mails she had to know she was pregnant and sent these e-mails anyway.(Note these were really angry e-mails D24 sent when H said he wasn't even going to try to work on the marriage like he had said he would) I have no intention of communication through her mother. If D24 truly wishes to involve her dad, she will need to make the effort on her own. I have no idea if the requests through you are her doing or your wishful thinking. I also have no idea of what I will get if I show up without her direct invitation.
This is not an easy issue. It is also not just about the baby. You absolutely know that I as well as you will ensure there is no harm or distress visited on this innocent child. But this was absolutely a selfish if not negligent circumstance brought on by Ashleigh herself. So many questions and thoughts are flying around.
1. No healthcare benefits.
2. Welfare and or food stamps
3. Schooling
4. She is not eligible for FMLA, her job will likely go away
My focus will stay on S17. I will not let this event by D24 interfere with my efforts to help S17 get to a mature, stable place for his life beginning. Despite anything S17 may say, and he will say it differently and deny it, he is probably thinking it is another time where the attention shifts to D24 and her drama.
Let me know when she is scheduled to return home.
This was his reply to my e-mail.....
Originally Posted By: H
Please let me know what room number she is in. I still plan to send the flowers.
I also still need D24 to apologize for the e-mails and to invite me herself. It is time for her to grow up now that she has someone that needs a grownup. I can blame her for only hoping, and doing nothing positive to fix the hurt she caused. I will not throw myself under the bus, it is not a one way issue.
Start looking on Craigs list for these items as there are plenty available without having to buy new. In fact this is an activity that Fiance and D24 need to do. A car seat and stroller are rather inexpensive, and there is lots of clothes available for free or pennies at value village. $500 is too much. $250 is more like it.
D24’s likely source of info is "My Mom" who often gets things blown out of proportion or twisted. D24’s normal source of workplace info is gone.
I will not deny that I been on several dates and I am now seeing someone exclusively. The remainder of this issue is my business alone and I will not discuss it with anyone else.
This obviously verifies he has been to dream house with an OW....now I'm really upset.....betrayed and lied to again.....I know....why do I care???.....but I do....
Originally Posted By: SC reply to H
I don't understand how you live with yourself, H..........and does this woman you are seeing know that you are a man without an iota of honor or integrity?? .................not to mention courage. I doubt it.
You have completely trashed this family and you know it, H.......but you keep running and go live your beautiful fantasy life when you can pretend to be such a big man! But, we know the truth........and underneath it all you do to......
It's your life........keep running.......you f'ing coward.
Yep, NOT good DB'ing......
Originally Posted By: And after I've "calmed down"
H,
I have calmed some since the below e-mail.........I apologize for the manner in which I said this, but not for the thoughts these words expressed. I will never understand how I could have been so mistaken in thinking that you were a man of honor and with real values. I always thought that even though you didn't show it well, your heart was in the right place. You did not care so much about career, that's why you didn't make senior chief....you had integrity and didn't care to do the "politics" it took to get there. You loved working in your garage or wood shop or anything else to do with home. I loved walking around with you and holding your hand and laughing at how you always had more project ideas than there would ever be time for. I wanted you to have everything your heart desired. [And, yes I know that I fell short in the areas you needed to see from me, and I will forever be sorry for that.]
You know that I "pushed" for the property and "dream house" (like I did everything like cars, etc).......and, yes, looking back, I was trying so very hard to buy your love and happiness, and acceptance in a manner I could live with and keep my self respect. Pathetic really. And maybe to you it's poetic justice that now I get to watch you use it to impress your new woman. That you will take that property but kick me and our family aside. I never would have believed that you had this cruelty in you. And I never realized that it was possible to hurt this much and still keep breathing.
I know that you will put all this down to my being "over dramatic" and that way you can go on your merry way with a clear conscience. But, you and I both know that I did not deserve any of this. And I also think you know that you have not been remotely honorable in any way through this whole thing. You say you have changed, and I can see that that is true. But, from my perspective, much of this change is not for the better. Yes, you have money. Yes you have success. Yes you are free to go about your way unencumbered. But what you really are is just another guy who let success go to his head, and lost all his values, and kicked aside his faithful wife and family who loved him unconditionally despite his faults, and instead "traded up" to a better model to fit his new "wonderful life".
And, the fact is that you have no real friends any more because they don't really know you. What do you think that "best friend", and "other friends", and any of the rest of your "guys" who so looked up to you as the best Chief they ever worked for, would think if they really knew all you have done? Would they respect it? You know the answer....that's why you won't tell them. What kind of role model would you be then? And the reality is that no matter what you do from here in your life, you will never truly be free, because you know in your heart the truth.......and it won't stay buried forever.
I will love the beautiful, sweet man you were until the day I die. I hate that you seem to see him as weak. He was the heart of you. If you ever find him again, I would love to see him........the man you have become, is not even someone I can respect. You are no better than the "CEO who had affair w/subordinate 4 years and left 20+ year wife when it all came out" of this world. And you know it.
T
Don't bother with the 2x4s. I know I'm a complete DB failure. But, I don't care right now. I hate the man he has become. I hate that everybody tells me it's wrong, but there's nothing to be done about it. Even H has said he knows he did it all wrong, but he just doesn't have the care to try to make it right. He just wants to move on........
I believe that I will find love again and be happy. But I will never "get over" this. NEVER! And I will never be able to sit in room and see H sitting there with his new woman and smile and pretend it's all no big deal. I truly hate this man right now. And I am not a person who hates.......I know this emotion hurts me much more than it hurts him.....and I know that this is giving him way too much power over me......and he just sees it as me being weak and "an emotional basketcase" (his words). But, I don't care right now. I hate him. I truly hate him! And I am angry at myself for even expending the energy to feel that way!!
Well, I guess this is one post that will go down in the books for length..........
I am going to the hospital now to actually hold my beautiful grand-daughter for the first time (I didn't get to hold her last night)........
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Well, I held my sweet baby grand-daughter today. She was awake and alert and then fell asleep on me. That's what life is all about!
S17 and his GF went with me to see her. GF got to hold her too. S17 and D24 seemed to connect pretty well and not bicker, which was really beautiful for me to see!!
Unbeknownst to me, H had bought flowers and put them in the back of the car for S17 to give them to D24. I asked S17 if he knew what was in the card, and he said that H had put in put in something like he wish her well with the baby, but that she still owed our whole family an apology........S17 said that he had "tried to talk H out of it". I debated not giving her the card, but then figured it wasn't my place to intervene. So, S17 gave her the flowers, but when she opened it, it just said that he wished her the best. So, S17 was sort of proud of himself because he "must have done better at reasoning with Dad than he thought".
S17 told D24 that even though H is behaving like a child, that doesn't mean she has to stoop to his level, and that she should at least make the first step and call H if for no other reason than because he should see his grand-daughter. But he also told her he understood if she didn't, because H is a real jacka**. I don't know if she'll call. But, it's not my problem. Both my kids love me and know I love them with all my heart, and we are a family all on our own!!!
And I got to meet Fiance's parents tonight. Very nice people! Fiance has a 4 year old little brother who is autistic. [Remember D24 is high functioning autistic]. They seem to have really welcomed D24 and now GD into their family, for which I am profoundly grateful. I am ashamed to say that when they invited us for dinner in the past, H has refused. He want's nothing to do with D24's "people". {i.e. low income, low class people who are "beneath" him). Actually I think he feels the way he does because he was raised in a family of 8 kids that never had money and were on welfare......and it has come out in C that always felt inferior and wants to distance himself from that lifestyle in any way he can.
D24 told me something I hadn't realized. My grand-daughter was born on the 1 year anniversary of the bomb!! How appropriate is that! I hadn't remember the exact day actually, but D24 always remembers stuff like that. D24 told me that now I can remember it as a good day. She's right!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Oh S, I am so happy for you that you got to hold your grandbaby. And good for your daughter that she said that about the baby's birthday. To heck with your h. It is his loss all the way around.
You and your children and now your grandchild and soon- to- be son- in-law are your family. Put all your focus on them and yourself.
I would not get involved with any of the your h's relationships with your children, grandchild, mother in law. They are his to manage.
S, dont beat yourself up about backsliding. It is difficult. Try to pull back, if you can. H is really not worth it right now.
I feel like an idiot. I actually just stooped to something I really thought I was above. I actually went in and looked at my H's cell phone records and did a reverse look up of a number that he seems to call and be called from a lot, and did a reverse look up on it. So, now I know the name of the new OW. I don't know why I did it. It's nothing new. It just sort of felt like he's trying to be so secretive, and I just didn't want him to have anything over me......I know that's stupid and crazy!! I'm not going to tell him I know (won't give him that amunition). I'm not going to call or go over there. She's not the issue. She probably has no idea of his real background and what he's done. She's probably a very nice woman.
I just hate this!! And I hate that I hate this!!!
20 minutes later.....
OMG.....I just called my D24. Asked her if she was going to call her dad. She got quiet and said she wasn't sure. I told her that I supported her whatever she decided. Then we started to talk, and I asked her about something that S17 told me about in the car. He said that he remembered an incident where H and D had an altercation, where D was screaming and ran from him and he chased after her and grabbed her and pushed her to the ground where she hit her head on a tool box. S17 said that at the time he thought D (maybe 11 or 12 at the time) deserved it because she was "out of control" (remember she is autistic.....emotions are not in normal proportion.....but we didn't have that diagnosis until she was 16).
Well, I asked D24 about it, and she said she thought she vaguely remembered it but she didn't know, because it actually was something that happened regularly when I wasn't there! She said she never thought S saw it. She said that H was very different when I wasn't around!! I asked if she meant "physically", and she said "Yes, and verbally." She then told me that there was a lot that happened that I didn't know because she didn't tell me, and that is why she refuses to "apologize" for the horrible e-mail she wrote, because she feels that just gives him permission to sweep the things he has done under the rug.
She then told me the most amazing thing. Of course, upon hearing all this, I was crying and told her I was so very sorry I didn't protect her! She told me that it wasn't my fault and that she felt she was actually stronger for having gone through it, and then she said that actually, she feels that it's because of me that she had the courage to take a chance and look for love and found E (her fiance). I had no idea what she meant my that and my amazing daughter told me "Mom, I saw how much you loved Dad, and you never ever gave up or stopped loving him, so I thought that there must be something good in him that I saw, but he just didn't have that for me. So, I wanted to go out and find the man that would have that for me." Then she told me that no parent can protect their kids from life, and that she felt that if not for me, things would have been a lot worse. If you knew the whole history of what my D24 has gone through (and done) in her life, you too would be stunned as I am at this wisdom and insight and compassion coming from my daughter.
Right now, I'm feeling that perhaps the good man I thought my H was inside was nothing but a figment of my imagination! No wonder he just wants to run away and not talk about anything, and just start a new life. How can he stand to even look at himself in the mirror!
Last edited by Silent Chrleader; 03/21/0904:59 AM.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Wow you have your plate running over. How's that working for you with your h?
I read your stuff and think back that I handled things pretty much the same. Well SC, your h isn't going to hear it. You might feel better for saying it, but he isn't going to hear what you have to say or care. He actually will use it against you and it's just fuel for the fire.
You really just need to try to detach and get away from your h. You spend way to much time telling him about this and that. Just quit discussing anything with him unless he asks.
As his response about ow and nobody's business tells you exactly where he is at in this journey. No need to confirm to him that he is an a$$, he won't see anyway. I remember feeling how you are feeling, but I can truly say that h and I are onto a new chapter in our life, but we were at our lowest and it was a mess almost 3 years ago.
Congrats on the GD! Think about what could work for you SC. Your h is gone for now and you need to accept that, but you don't have to let him know anymore how you feel. He doesn't care and he won't get it. Hugs!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
