Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[[[[[SC]]]] - I've never posted to you before, but appreciate the post on my thread, so I thought I would stop by. Ahhhh.....the backslides. It really is tough. I too wish I could find out how they can "turn off" any emotion or feelings for the person that has been by their side for almost 30 years.....I guess maybe if they truly feel their life is now sh** then maybe it is just so obvious to them that we are the cause and thus the ability to cut all ties.................I don't know. I wish I had that magical crystal ball...........or had it 30 years ago.

My h's birthday was yesterday. It was the first time I haven't celebrated with him in almost 30 years. He had the kids, which I guess for now is all he wants............well them, and OW when she fits in his schedule. I wonder if he even talked to his mother.......I don't know if she would even call since she's so upset with him right now.

My H denies that he is still with OW. I have proof, but haven't shared it with him. At least he will now admit that it happened----which is more than he would do 2 years ago. He let me blame myself for EVERYTHING during that time. Just what a depressed person with next to no self esteem needed. Now I fear that he's just denying that he is still with her, to bide his time until after we D. Nothing has been done towards D, as far as I know - but since he's a lawyer, maybe he has it all figured out. Sometimes I wonder why OW puts up with his current status. H is so afraid of losing the kids, that I'm pretty confident that is what is keeping us in "limbo."

I wish I had advice. I wish I had the answers. But I don't. I am here for support, though. I'm sure I would have a D- on my DB report card-----a lot of backsliding myself..........hang in there.............

SC I just had a thought. Maybe my s20 could chat with your s17. You know young adult to young adult. My s20 has walked in your s17's shoes and some. Just a thought if you pass this way with your son.

Hey, TCBTE.

Thanks so much for stopping by.



This was funny!! I know I fluctuate between passing and failing on any given day. What I hate about backsliding is not so much about loosing ground on the possibility of reconcilliation any more, but that it feeds his perception of me as "weak" and "an emotional basket case" and that I "want him back at all costs" which is NOT the case!

Oh, well......onward and (hopefully) upward!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

Wow, [[[GG]]], thank you so much for the thought/offer!! And I will definitely give that some thought and may very well take you up on it if we can get down your way.

I am forever amazed and thankful for the wonderful caring people, such as yourself, who have been so willing to reach out and throw me a line during the lowest points of my journey!

I am so very very blessed!!!

Feeling pretty horrible right now.

House was trashed......somebody (probably "friends" of S17) broke in and had a big party over the weekend. I went over there to check it out. H was amazingly calm and clear headed about everything.

Picked up the rope. To go into it all here would take too long so I'll try to sum up. H says we just don't "get" each other and never really have. Doesn't want to hurt me, but he knows where he is now and feels comfortable in his skin. He sees some of the changes I have made, but doesn't believe I could ever change enough, and doesn't really think I should try. There is just too much water under the dam and he has no care to ever try again. But, he wants me to move on and find happiness.

He doesn't seem like he is in "MLC fog". He doesn't seem depressed. He is much less irritable now. He is doing really well with S17. I'm thinking that everyone in my RL has been right. He just doesn't love me anymore, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't change the person I am.

I told him that I just wished we could talk (with C present if need be). I would like to know the man he wants to be, and see the life he wants to have, and show him the changes I have made and/or want to make tell him the life I want to have.....not necessarily for reconciliation, but for understanding and some better "closure"......He's very reluctant. I told him I understood why, because I know it took him a lot of courage to finally stand up and say he wasn't happy, and he doesn't want to go back there.......at least he listened and I thanked him for that.

I'm going to bed now and have a good cry........tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life......

[[[SC]]]

I think my H is pretty close to giving me the same speech. I'm working on my inner self so I will be able to handle it.........we're in this together..........

(((((((hugs)))))))

Just stopping by to say hello.
I will try to catch up on your thread soon.

Hey friend, so sorry you are hurting. I am going to be getting that speech very soon myself. Only you know, in your heart, what actions you should take.

But put aside dbing for your marriage and do it for yourself.
Act as if, GAL, try to have a PMA, and remember what a wonderful, giving, extraordinary person you are.

We never know what the future holds. Continue on your journey and remember we are here for you.

So sorry SC that you are feeling horrible.

I don't want to give any false expectations, but my h said all those similar things, other than move on without him, but gave me the whole you never understood me, you haven't changed, I was unhappy in the m, yada yada yada. It's all pretty much the same, but each with a little different seasonings. Now today, you see how he is acting. You might not have thought he said all those same things a year ago, but he did.

That is why you move on for you SC. He may one day say hey wait a minute SC, what was I thinking, maybe not. I can tell you though my h is looking like he wants to possibly reconcile and my first h from 14 years ago had regrets. I am sure he wished he hadn't thrown it all away back then. You see time changes a persons feelings.

If you don't get back together then maybe you can at least salvage a friendship for years to come for your kids.

I do see you still clinging to your h though. That will only push him further away. I was driving down a street today and remembered over a year ago I bumped into my h and said hey how about getting a bite to eat. He agreed, but didn't look to happy that he bumped into me. He got angry before we even got our food and stormed out of the restaurant and left me standing in shock, so you see SC my h and I have come a long way from those days.

You have to build the friendship back before you could move forward. Hugs!

[[[[[[[[[TCBTE, BND, BM, & GG]]]]]]]]]]]

I can't thank you enough, my very dear friends, for your endless warmth and support. I have tears in my eyes right now, but they are not tears of sadness really, but tears of hope and gratitude for the great blessings I have in having found so many true friends throughout the past year, and you are all a big part of that. You have all helped me to be stronger and to begin to believe in myself in a way I never have before.

I feel like I am on the brink of something......I am seeing so many possibilities in my life and it's very scary, but exciting too.

I finally had a conversation with J(my old Jr High flame). He apologized and had a good excuse for not having called me. I told him that I was very vulnerable right now and to please not "play me" or say things he didn't mean. I told him I had no idea how to be "mysterious" and play the "dating games", and he told me that he meant everything that he said in his e-mails and he really did want to see me. He told me about his own divorce and how it took a couple years to come out of the depression and realize it was a blessing in disquise. I told him that that was the gift he had given me with the sentiments he expressed in his e-mails. He made me see that there was possibly a life and love out there for me, and I couldn't thank him enough for that.

This is a really sweet man who is devoted to his kids (coached softball, volleyball and soccer for all three of them for years, while playing on 4 adult teams himself!). It seems that the more that he says, the more I think this guy can't be for real! It's way too good to be true. He told me he would call me this evening, and I teased him and asked if would really call, and he said he would. Well, something else came up, but he called to say he couldn't call as planned but would try to call later and if he couldn't, he would definitely call tomorrow!

I actually did tell H about J in our conversation yesterday. I told him that if he even had any tiny remote inkling of the possibility of looking at our M in the future, then I would like him to tell me now, because I did not want to hurt anybody. I know H saw this as telling him that if he had an epiphany down the road, I would come running, but that is NOT the case. If I were to give my heart again, I would be faithful to that without a doubt. I don't want to make a mistake.

I really don't mean to sound like I am jumping at another relationship, but I have to admit that it does feel very good to know that I can feel this way about somebody other than my H, and that there really is a possibility that I could be really happy even without my H. That knowledge is so empowering!!!

And among other news, my brother is apparently not ever going to speak to me again.......he thinks that my telling him that I did not appreciate him smoking "weed" with my S17, and telling him to not be around him if he couldn't be sober, was blaming him for S17's problems. So, he's not speaking to me now. And my Mom is defending him. This is very annoying because both my brother and my Mom have lived with me for 4+ years (not at the same time) and I never asked for rent or anything! And now they can hold against me the fact that I told my 50 year old brother not to drink with my 17 year old son!!??? There's something so wrong with this picture, but I am not buying into that drama any more. I know I will talk to my brother eventually and we will set things right, because I don't do the disowning thing!! Family is family to me and that's sacred! But, I'm not doing it right away.

And just to add a little more spice to the pot of my life, I am going to take a class at the local community college. I am going to take Chemistry, because it is pre-requisite for their nursing program. I don't like my job. It pays well and is secure, but it's boring, and really stuffy. I started to do the pre-reqs for nursing 15 years ago when we moved here, but ended up going to work instead because we needed the money. It's a scary thing to do, but I want a job I really like doing and feel like I am doing some good! I figure I can do the pre-reqs, which will take a year because they have to be done sequencially, and if I still want to do the nursing school then, then I will.

So, lots of thoughts spinning through my head, but not in a bad way. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I greet it with an open mind and heart.