Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers In desperate need of advice, separation looming!

Sad09,

You situation is very similar to mine. A difference may be that my wife had actually filed for divorce.

She said she "tried" to find a reason to change her mind over the last 7 weeks, but last week decided that there wasn't one to be found and started to sleep in the spare bedroom. Now she is really pushing for separation as well - she wants to move out.

Last nite we had a very tough conversation as she said she feels that the relationship between us will never work. She sees that I've changed, but it's all physical (whatever that means) and she still feels that I am still not listening to her or respecting her as I haven't worked on how the custody agreement or the logistics of a separation.

You may want to take a look at my threads as I pretty much documented everyday. I reread it this weekend when she hit me with this stuff. I can see where I had backslides which then pushed her further away. Hopefully you can avoid making some of the same mistakes.

I still haven't given up in my situation, but it is getting bleak.

I am looking for some advice as well.

I'm having a terrble day!!!!

She told me again today that no matter what she wants me out. She said that the last four years of our marriage were killing her, she felt as though she had died. She said that I was verbally and emotionally abusive.

She also says that she has seen a huge change in me in the last month and a half, but she still wants me out. she says that the changes she has seen in me are the changes that she has hoped for all along, but ..... she doesn't feel that she wants to be married to me any more and she doesn't know if she can ever feel the kind of love and trust in me that she needs in a partner.

She says that she doesn't knowif the changes will stay. Meaning that, when I am helping her at home or at her buisness am I doing t only in hopes that we will get back together or am I doing it because I really want to to just help her out. I don't know what to do or say about that because I do really want to help her out, but at the same time if she doesn't want me around because she fells like she can't "breath", what do I do? I asked her if she feels like I am smothering or persueing her and she says no. She says she can't figure anything out or just worry about and take care of herself when I a around.

So should I just not be around then?

I want nothing more than to be the best man I can be and the best husband and father I can be, but how can I do that if she doesn't want me around?

Ok so last night on 3/10/09 my wife told me that for our entire relationship she has chosen my needs over her own needs. As of a year ago she decided to choose her own needs over my needs. She went on to say that in all decision making in our relationship she would always think to herself, how will he react to this decision or what will his opinion be about this decision, when she feels that she should not have thought that way or made decisions in that way.

She also told me that in separating from me she wants to work on herself by thinking about why she made decions is this matter. She also wants to figure out why she put up with a toxic relationship/marrieage that was unhealthy for her for so many years. She said the marriage was so unhealthy she needs to remove herself from it.

She told me that right in this moment because the marriage was so unhealthy she can't even and won't even consider taking one last try with me. She says that it always felt to her that i had an altierier motive when I did something and that I would never just do something without expecting something in return. Given that she feels that way, she says that the she is unsure of wether the huge changes she currently sees in me are for real, or is there just an ajenda to get her to not end our marriage, but she would like for those changes to be real but she is unsure wether those changes will remain in me forever.

She also said that in the last year that we had been going to counseling that she felt that there was improvemnet in our relationship, but despite the improvement she said I would still be horrible at times. And given the fact that things were better than they had been in a really long time why then would I still act that way. And because I did act that way during that time she just gave up inside and made the decision to just be done. And now she just doesn't feel anything for me any more despite the fact that it makes her sad that she sees the changes in me and believes that they won't go away, but its just to late because she is just done. She says she just can't flip a switch and begin to want to be with me because those feelings for me are just gone.

DOES THIS MEAN I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP ANY HOPE AND MOVE ON SOMEONE WITH EXPERIANCE PLEASE GIVE SOME INSIGHT!

Oh and she also said I am very intense and that's hard for her to deal with. So I just need to tone it down, I know that now.

she also says she gives me a response to a question but I just keeping asking the same question over and over. She said I do this because I don't either like the response she gave or that I am pushing her to respond differently. So I just need to listen the best I can and do the best I can to understand what she has said. I will work very hard on this.

Sounds like we have a lot in common - situation, WAW and approach.

You should look at my threads - there is a lot of good advice there.

The short summary is, why should you be the one to move out? If she does move out, don't let her take the kids is the advice I've been given. My situation is a little trickier as she had filed for divorce on 1/9/09.

Best of luck

You will need to give her space and start working on YOU. I know that's difficult and you are in an emotional place. She may be seeking to upset you (it makes it easier for them to leave), so just STAY COOL!!!! Focus on emotionally detaching from this situation.

Did you ever find work? Since you've been Mr. Mom that should help you with custody if she starts heading in that direction. I'm not telling you that a D is going to happen, I just want you to start being prepared ASAP. This will help you stay calmer too.

It sounds like she is determined to do what she wants to do. You cannot stop this, the best thing you can do right now is give her space and be calm. If you go nuts she will just run away faster.

Do not move out. If she wants you to leave, calmly tell her you won't do that to the kids. But if she's that unhappy she is welcome to leave. You wouldn't want to hold her back from that.

Do not get crazed or emotional. Be calm!!!

Sad09,

I would recommend the book "Love without Hurt". You can show it to her, ask her to read it (because it is for both of you) and let her know that you are committed to doing the work that is described in the book. I can tell you from own experience it does work. It worked for me for sure, and it seems we are making progress in our R as well. Even though I do not know my W's exact thoughts, but her seeing that I am no longer in denial, that I am willing to do the work to become a better person, that I am dead serious about changing my behavior must have brought up the thought in her that it might actually work between us again.

I also found this TV show that you can watch online where Stosny talks about his book:

Love without Hurt on Jan 11

It does not matter whether or not she is right about her accusations (my guess is she probably is, even though you may not be a hardcore abuser, you may have displayed some abusive behavior). If she sees that you are doing everything you can to make these changes permanent, she might develop some trust and commitment again. Just be patient, this can be a long process. You did not lose her trust overnight, and you will not get it back overnight. Continue to work on yourself, listen to her with your head and heart, and be there for your kids. You can do it and you will succeed no matter what your W does.

AN

Thank you so much for the advice feople, I really need it right now. Keep it coming!

I feel for you. I get into the same moments. It's tougher when you think you are all alone in your fight. There are good people here for support.

If you can swing it, I would call a DB Coach. I did and it's nice to have some extra cheerleading as well as insight.

You can do it!

Ok here is a big question.

My wife has told me that she wants me to move out by the end march, today is march 11, but all of you say that I should stay.
here is the problem, she says that it is because of the choiices that I had made that has lead us to this point, so therefor I must leave. Otherwise there will never be any hope for our relationship even though there is little to no hope now. So yesterday I matter of factly told her I was completely against me moving out. I said that I willing able to do anything to save our marriage and I am also unwilling to send the message to my two young sons that I am going to walk out on my family. She then became very upset and said, "so you are telling me that you refuse to leave". I responded by saying, "I am just being matter of fact that this is the wrong thing to do and that the only thing I have left is to be the best man I can be and the best father I can be and by me leaving because she is kicking me out is wrong". She then told me no matter what I have to leave, she also said again that it was my choice to be emotionally and verbally abusive to her so when she was trying everything to change things, but now she is not going to try any more. How do i respond to that, my gut says to respect it, she is right about the fact that she was trying when I wasn't giving 100% and I did make horrible choices in how I reacted to her. at that point in the conversation I just listed to her and validated and apalogized from the bottom of my heart. I also told her that no matter what happens I will never give up on her and that the changes that have occured in me since she dropped the separation bomb will not go away wether we stay together or not.

PLEASE CRITIQUE HOW i DEALT WITH/REPONDED TO THE CONVERSATION AND GIVE ANY SOUND ADVICE YOU CAN.