Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Almost done DBing, now focusing on the Kids

Over at my thread I'll post an update on MC #2 - interesting experience -- but I've already started thinking about the Life After. "As if" and all.

I spoke with my son's therapist -- unrelated therapy to the whole D thing -- briefly and his advice was simple -- don't overdo. You're going to have a natural tendency to want to do the parenting version of "pursuing" WAW -- hey, lookie what Dad can do! I can juggle! And play ukelele! And ride a unicycle! It's the Circus Fatherus! Yee-haw! Who's up for ice cream?

Instead, he said, just sit back and listen. Let the children be the guide. There's going to be times they just want to come over and play Wii. Or Sorry!. Or color. And there's going to be times when they're bored and they want to go to Disneyland. Or the park.

In other words, do the EXACT SAME THING you would have done had there never been a D.

I thought that was pretty good advice, and it also helps with my DB'ing, which is still in its early stages.

Just thought I'd share that insight from someone FAR smarter than me (and who, incidentally, recently told me that his W walked out twice, but both times they put it back together. So he's been there where I/we/allofus are right now.)

MewMe, I can totally relate to not connecting with the kids. I have a S5 and D3 and two years ago I stayed at home for about 1 yr taking care of them because we had just moved and couldn't get daycare for my D who wasn't yet 1. I told my W back then that it was really hard for me and I didn't feel connected to them.

Over the past 8 months I started to connect to them and have really connected and built a bond. Of course my S is mommy's and my D is all about me. This is normal.

As far as connecting with them - what has helped me is to be PRESENT with them while you play or interact with them. Go with the flow of what they want to do and keep your mind focused on what you're doing with them. You will connect to them this way.

I watched the movie Yes Man and started to apply that concept to my kids. Whenever either one of them says, "Dad can we play <such and such>?" my old reaction used to be no, daddy's busy or some other reason..

Now when they ask if my original impulse is to say no, and sometimes I do, I rethink it and jump right in with them. It's all about YES for me with them now.

As far as a book - I don't know of any and I'm sure there are alot out there. But I'm not sure a book is going to tell you much more than activities and such.

I've found the important thing is to just let go and follow their lead. They will be unbelievably creative and always find something to do that they find fun.

I'll give you a quick example - This morning the four of us were in our bedroom and my S loves the Captain Underpants books. He got a ring that has to do with the stories. I told him to use it on me and hypnotize me. So he pointed it at me and I spun my eyes and said I am under your control.

He then turned me into a frog - so I started hopping around the room ribbeting. Then into a duck, then into a fly, then into a bee. When I was the duck I wiggled my @ss while I walked. When I was the bee I jumped on the bed where my S and D were and then backed into them as if to sting them while buzzing away. They both were trying to get away from me and laughing from their gut.

My W also joined in after a little while of watching us.

In the past I never would have interacted this way - I would have been a bystander. But now that I just let go and follow their lead I connect with them.

It's not hard to do - You just have to let go of whatever is internal to you that is stopping you from just being in the moment with them.