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AJM,

I'm not that familiar with your sitch, but I have read over two of your threads just now.

Your pastor brings up a great point, and I don't necessarily disagree with him. But I do think that the heart of the prodigal son (repentant, contrite) has something to do with the moral of the story. If your wife were to be unrepentantly staying out until 3am again, I think you'd have a right to enforce your boundary.

Jesus tells the story of a man who has two sons. The younger son asks his father to give him his portion of the family estate as an early inheritance. Once received, the son promptly sets off on a long journey to a distant land and begins to waste his fortune on wild living. When the money runs out, a severe famine hits the country and the son finds himself in dire circumstances. He takes a job feeding pigs. He is so destitute that he even longs to eat the food assigned to the pigs.

The young man finally comes to his senses, remembering his father. In humility, he recognizes his foolishness, decides to return to his father and ask for forgiveness and mercy. The father who had been watching and waiting, receives his son back with open arms of compassion. He is overjoyed by the return of his lost son! Immediately the father turns to his servants and asks them to prepare a giant feast in celebration.

Just food for thought.

Puppy

Puppy... for a dog, you're resourceful!

AJ -

I understand what your pastor is saying, because he knows the details of your sitch. Puppy's words are applicable, IF they have crossed the line. I guess we don't really know if W has, do we? And, the question is, do you want to know if she has?

I've read Puppy's snippets on snooping, if you feel you need to know. I don't have nearly enough reason to consider this, but there are a couple of things that bug me, a little/okay a lot sometimes (when I'm tired, buzzed, or hungry!). So, the food for thought applies if you "go there."

W appears to be working through the anger part, at least. I'm concerned that it has now transferred to you. How do we get a handle on that?

Weird Q... wondering if your D13 is having "the movie" about now in school. My S11, almost S12, is, (think it's common this time of year) and I talked to my H about discussing it with him after he had seen it (I guess 6th grade gets pretty detailed.) I wonder what the talk will be like... "this" is for committed, married people, between one man and one woman, etc... How would your W handle it now? Engaged? Or awkward? I think it might be telling. I don't feel like I can intrude on S11's time w/his Dad, so I won't pry, but I'd kill to be a fly on the wall.

Hmm... I DO NOT think she's stepped outside the marriage. It's hard to see that from what I've posted, but I really do not.

I don't want to know the things either. It is unacceptable for her to accept gifts from other men. That's a boundary. She's been respecting that as much as I can tell. I'm not going to ask beyond that. Why? Because I do not want to know. Seriously. Think about it. If I knew something I didn't like, what would I gain? If there was nothing (Seriously, my instinct tells me there isn't beyond the acceptance of the gift and I do believe she ended the amorous longing he had towards her) then being curious or jealous about it brings me nothing either.

I want her back.

I want her to be honest because otherwise she's not back.

Anything else really doesn't matter to be honest.

The movie? Yes, we've had those discussions. I still maintain that it is between a married couple. Regardless of what is going on, my children deserve to know my beliefs. I haven't changed my beliefs and I don't intend to on subjects like that.

Make sense?

Meanwhile, patience and unconditional love are my only ways forward. I struggle to get there. I am truly relieved to see her healing from the pain she was at. I am truly happy to see that healing take place. I am very sad that it is still the way it is between us.

I am and will remain,

Hopeful AJ.

P.S. I had to give up on the skydiving idea. For now ;0)

AJ - How's it going today!?!?!!?

What's up for the weekend?

AJ,
Found your new thread. Hope all is positive in your world. Things continue to stagnate for me - no better no worse, but I'm trying to remain patient, PMA and GAL. Hang in there buddy!

AJ, That is a huge step for you. Sounds like you dropped a lot of your anger. Use that energy for good now.
Cheers

Hey Guys.

Song, I think you've made a lot of progress. I've been buried at work lately but I'll try to catch up on the thread. I say that you've made progress because you're not in the negative either, right? That's a huge step and one that should not be discounted on your end.

Coach, thanks. You're right, it's been very relieving for me to unshoulder that burden. It's also been a little scary, but I've had to do it.

Where have I been MB? I've been busy.

Here's an update:
I talked to the pastor last week. He's been very helpful especially considering that he hears most of it from my perspective. Well, all of it really.

He mentioned that she sounds like she's healing. That it will take a long time. I knew she was starting to heal and I mentioned that when that seeped into my subconcious, I was able to let out my breath. I think I've been holding it for so long, I had forgotten that I was. The first time I unshouldered all of this, it was involuntary. The next several were voluntary. I didn't just unshoulder it, I was walking away. Part of me still is but I'm struggling to hang on. (Encouragement always appreciated). The pastor suggested that it would be silly of me to walk away. He mentioned that I have worked and prayed so hard to get to this point, that to leave now would be ridiculous. Hmm... He's right I think and it helped to hear his perspective. He said that this was going to be a long slow process. I told him that I'm finally doing what the MC said which is to slow things down. Cool off the emotions. Ok. I am. Mostly because the paramount goal has been to give her a chance to heal. Somewhere along the way, I lost my vision to see the goal. I mentioned that here when I left for Calif. But I'm reminded that my goal has been for her to heal and for her to come back to the marriage. If I have to choose between them, the healing is the important one that must take place.

I have to remember that I have no say in either goal except I'm available for her to come back. pastor mentioned that he thinks the intimacy will increase between us. She'll make attempts to reintroduce intimacy into our relationship and I should be available to that. Open to it. That was Thursday.

Friday she texts me and asks if I "..maybe want to c a movie?" That's significant because we last left our date nights up to her. It was up to her to bring date night back up when and if she was ready. I'm not reading into this, but I'm remembering that part.

Of course I went. We saw slumdog. Great movie. It was on very late and she was very tentative to go out. I responded about an hour after I got the txt. She didn't respond to it. Later at home I brought it up and she said she had been sleeping. Ok, I shrugged. She called out from the other room (safe distance so to speak) and said she was still interested but that she wasn't sure I wanted to or could stay up that late. I told her I'm an adult and would be able to stay awake that late We went. It was fun and low key. No R talk. Some banter, but not a tremendous amount.

Saturday she and the kids went with me to my 5k race. I still hurt, but had a blast. Got an interesting look from her when I mentioned the woman (not girl or chick, right?) that caught up to me and was my running buddy for a while. I talked too much and got a cramp though, so the girl had to go on without me. She finished about 30 sec ahead of me. Interesting look I got from W. Didn't expect that.

Sunday was son's hockey game. We both went. She was getting upset that he wasn't getting much ice time and was going to bash the coach. I told her she wasn't reading it right. That the coach was doing his best (we both know the coach from years past). I started watching the ice time a bit more and eventually went over there to chat with son. Coach caught me and mentioned he was exactly 1 player over three lines and my son was the odd-ball (in a good way). He was also short on coaches. I stayed to help and things worked out pretty well. Told W later that it was what I said - son was getting lost in the mix and wasn't asserting his right to play. We fixed that by me being there to help relieve the coach.

Got home and I went to take a shower and rush back out to church. When I got out, W was taking a shower. Son had just finished (they share the same bathroom since she's living upstairs.) Told daughter I was going (wasn't going to force her to go today; wanted to mix things up on daughter). So I went. Had a few errands to run afterwards and got home around 2. W was out but figured she had gone to the gym/running. It was on the calendar. She didn't. She was out and about driving along or running errands and was obviously miffed about something. I found out a little later that it was because I hadn't told her I was heading out personally. Asked if I would tell her in the future. I said I would.

Interesting behavior but not expected. I may be missing something. Pastor also mentioned that I needed to drag her into the Adult to Adult conversation and away from the parent-child conversation mode. I'm trying to internalize that, but part of that is to not make light of her concerns no matter how trivial they seem to me. Ok.

She seemed upset that I'm heading out for St Patrick's day. That was kind of odd as well - she's becoming more possessive. I'm not sure how to quite deal with that because I do want her to be, but can I overdo it? I don't want to hold on too tightly. I do of course want to, but I don't want to push her away.

This morning I got an email. Telling me about studying next week and how she'll be at a friends to study on Monday. P.S. "On another note, just a thought, do you think that we should plan a weekend away with one another? A time away from home, away from stressors, and see what we have left? " We was emphasized.

I told her Monday is fine, and I'd love to go away with her. What day. She sends back that either the 29th of this month, or the 25th of next month

What I see at the moment is that she is trying to reach out. She is trying to connect. I see danger in going too fast. I may be wrong about that. Heck, there may be danger in going too slow as well as it may send the wrong message.

I'll likely go with the end of this month as our birthday is a few days before Easter (we both have the same birthday although I'm a year older). I haven't confirmed anything yet because I know she has her second shot at boards around that same time and I've been warned before not to get our relationsip mixed in with her boards in case she fails. I've noticed she's starting to stress about the boards again. Very negative attitude about school etc. I think she's walling herself off and preparing for the eventuality of failure.

I really do want to her to heal. I really do want her to come back to the relationship (a new one at this point.) My only concern is that it may be too soon. I'm such a worry-wart

I go home each day telling myself not to worry. She's already gone, so there isn't much for me to worry about. Can't muck things up if they're already mucked. I concentrate on providing an environment she can heal in. Feel safe. Outside of that, there has not been much I can do except feel sad. I do. I feel nervous about this change in the game plan but I'm glad for the opportunity as well. It's what I've wanted all along - for us to give us a chance.

One other interesting part of this. My father has actually, after 22 years, started to open up to me about his feelings surrounding my mother's death (I was 16 at the time; I can see why he didn't feel comfortable at the time). Story for another time.

Work calls. I'm interested in feedback if you don't mind.

Thanks for the patience while I write this long post.

AJ

AJ,

Glad to see things are moving in such a positive direction for you, it really sounds like your DBing efforts are working well. I wish I could say that I'm not in the negative, but that would be a lie. Or maybe acting as-if. This weekend was very difficult for me, and I feel more and more like I'm slipping into a void from which there is no return.

You did mention a few things that I have to keep in mind.





Keep up the great work, your efforts and determination are an inspiration!

AJ,

Wow, I am really glad for you and how things are progressing. Keep up the good work and and I echo song about your efforts and determination!!!!

Thanks. I'm not fooling myself though. I realize the risks invovled and I realize that we're so far from anything that it would be problematic for me to get my hopes up.

That and I'm tired.

I also realize she's so far away from healing. It's just like her to be in a hurry The advice I've gotten today is to go at her pace. Ok.

She's interesting though. Very cautious. I can understand. She's been hurt. Feelings are raw. Advice from 25 year olds rattling in her head. Guys trying to poach her away from me. Me talking to other women. The things that have been said. Her imagination at what I must be feeling.

All of that is BS. I'm fine. I am sad for her. I see the hurt. I see her trying not to face it. I realize I don't know what she's thinking or feeling. I don't.

I'm taking this one day at a time.

Tomorrow's not written yet. Yesterday's gone. Today is all I have that I can count on.

I am determined, but cautiously waiting. I am not axious to get back on the roller-coaster. I am intersted in rebuilding if possible. We'll have to see....but until then, I suspect it will be business as usual. We'll see, right?

AJ