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Theo,

Thanks. I know I'll be better off. I really wish it was over already. I hate that I have wasted this portion of my life on him. He has disrespected me so much, it is time to respect myself.

Honestly, it's almost like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I guess it's the old ball and chain thing.

With the risk of sounding corny, I know there is a whole new world out there for me. Okay, that was very corny...Who knows maybe I'll make it to visit some of my wonderful virtual friends!

Hugs, Yoyo

I remember when I was in college, one of my roommates used to tell me I was such a big flirt. I guess I need to get my mojo back and remember how to do that. It's been a long time...

Yoyo,

Oh...I think you still know how to flirt by the moonlit path.



Theoden

Yoyo {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}. Have not checked in till now.

First I will get back to you and send you some examples of Plan B letters. At this point you have nothing to lose.

That is the difference between DBing and Plan A/Plan B as described in Surviving an Affair.

In DB, it is a much longer drawn out process with no start/end date. It does work BUT the downside is that sometimes so much time passes that either the LBS or WS loses the love they have for the other and everything just fizzles out. (which sounds like your case)

Plan A is really DB, but you should set a time line and then go to Plan B - Go dark. No contact with H at all. If you have to talk about finances, kids whatever, you get a friend that could be a mediator or "go between" either through e-mail or text.

Most WS after a time lose the path to the way home. By giving them a Plan B letter it is a roadmap home with conditons set by the LBS for WS have to follow.

It is more agressive than DB but I think it has a higher success rate.

Most WS will kick and scream when Plan B goes into effect. Because they have had the "upper hand" so long it takes away their power. Plan B is almost a last resort technique.

Remember T2L who used to post here? She did a flawless Plan A and then went to Plan B (which was in effect for over 3 months), Now her WS is coming out of the fog and is moving out of apt with OW, trying to make reconcillation plans with T2L. At the beginning of Plan B, her WS was furious -- but she would not budge, she would hide out in her room or go out when H came for the kids, totally unavailable. Think it made him see what life would be like without her.

I am doing a Plan B but it is hard that we work together. Even though H filed D papers in Jan, H is finding reasons to stop me after meetings and asking D28 and SIL if they heard from me and they both tell him, we don't talk about you and change the subject. Only praying that H and OW will start to LB in the future. If not it helps keep my sanity and away from the drama.

Let me know if you still want more details. I will post a Plan B letter here as an example.

Hope,
Thanks for all of the info. I sent you an email this weekend. Be sure to check when you can. If you are like me, that is your personal account and can't access it at work.

How are you doing? How was your weekend?

Hi Yoyo-

Gosh, I'm just getting caught up here. I'm sorry about what I've been reading. First, I want to respond to something you said. You said that you want to apologize to your virtual friends. For what? Lady, none of us want/wanted our marriages to end. We all have done what we thought we should have done at the time to save it. Don't apologize just because you took more time to try to do that. You waited until you were ready.

I think now is the time that I get that package out to you that I said I would send. Sorry, I've been a bit distracted. I'll get it out this week.

I'll email you within the next few days.

Take care strong lady!!

Hugs

SueS

You can certainly come see me!!

I can say with all honesty that the divorce was the most devasting thin I have even gone through and I have been in tornados, earthquakes and hurricanes and floods! I still deal with it but at least it doesn't haunt every moment and it does keep getting better.

My kids saw what I went through and know that it is best to always try than to just cave and walk away.

You can get mad at me if you want, but for some reason I think when you take the step towards your divorce, your H is going to have a huge reality check. It may just be enough to get him to move towards your side of the fence. Are you closing the door or leaving it open? Just curious. I also think no matter what happens you need to respect yourself and love yourself because if you don't how can you expect someone else to?

Either way, I think you have learned a lot from this "experience" and will be fine. I am her for you.

hugs

kat

Hi Yoyo, as promised here is an example of Plan B letters. let me know if you want to talk about this.

Plan B letter is a business type letter. Not a mushy last chance to beg for WS to come back, I'm here waiting for you, letter. You tell them three things. Why going NC. What is NC. How WS can end NC. Below is an example.


Plan B example 1
I can no longer let you and the OM continue to disrespect me. To remove the pain caused by your affair and to stop you from disrespecting me I am going No Contact with you.

While in NC there will be no form of direct communication. All contact will be through "your third party". He will only inform me as to the nature of your request and what action you are requesting.

I will not accept phone calls, mail, email, IM, or any other form of direct contact while you are in your affair.

I will be open to direct communication once you, WS goes NC with the OM. WW, you move back home with your parents. You are willing to live transparent so NC can be verified by me, BH.


The next example is what I sent to H, more detail but letting him know the door is open..for now.

Dear WS

I have decided to no longer call you, contact you or e-mail you because I was beginning to hate you and by detaching I could still protect what love I have left for you in my heart.

I think about how we spent the best years of our lives together giving birth to our D15 and raising D28. The girls drove us crazy but we were always close to one another. We were a family. Neither of us can share that with anyone again. It was and will always be special. I will always be thankful for those times.

You know that I am sorry for my part in our marriage that created the atmosphere that helped to make your affair possible.

I never realized the devastation that the affair caused and how quickly it took you away from us and continues with you wanting this divorce. I never got a fighting chance for our family. That is my biggest regret because I have seen the horrible impact and pain it has been for our little family.

I want you to know that I still am willing to create a new life for us and our family but obviously cannot till you end the affair with plastic pinata (used real name!).

I love you more than anything and the door back to my heart and our family is open but only if agree to have no contact with her ever again.

If we both truly worked at our marriage it would be the way it should be and I know that D15 and D28 would still be happy for us to take that positive step. Others have survived this and much worse.

I don’t want you to think by giving you this letter that “I have not moved on”. I have everyday.

I want this letter to be a roadmap home in case you decide the choice or path you made ends up not being what you thought or wanted.

We have been thinking about you with Saturday coming up. (It was VD day) We will miss our “Griswold” family dinners and still remember how you would bring flowers not only to me but always to “your girls” every year. We do remember.

No matter what I will always continue to try and make a happy home for our daughters in spite of our loss.

I love you true. Your wife
I left it on his desk when he was not there. Since that time, H has approached me 2x at work and made conversation which I talked briefly and walked away. He also asked SIL and D28 about me which he was told "that we do not talk about you because I do not want him mentioned". Has it done any good? I don't know but it has taken away his drama about me and also kept my sanity.

This is an article posted on the MSN homepage today. I think you all will find a number or two that matches your spouse. Numbers 10 and 2 seem to fit my H!

The 10 Worst Excuses for Cheating on Your Wife

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=18188970>1=32023

hope,

I don't mean to be disrespectful and so I hope you will take my comment in the right way. I think Yoyo has gone beyond trying to get a reaction from her H and trying to reconcile. I think she is heading down the D road and going for her fair share.

I also agree that she has NO REASON at all to apologise to her virtual friends, and I for one would love it if she came over to England for a visit. You are welcome to stay any time Yoyo.

DB does not save all marriages.....some would say it doesn't save many. What I think it often does do though is give the left behind spouse the tools and courage to deal with what they have to, and everyone gets there in their own time. I have no doubt that Yoyo will find her Mojo and that there will be a queue of suitors waiting.

I also believe that if she goes forward and moves down the D route her H will try to reconcile again because he doesn't want to lose out financially. He has shown time and time again he does not care truly for either Yoyo or his D's.....all he cares about is himself, his wallet and his public persona; he has proven over and over that he cannot be trusted.

Yoyo, protect yourself and don't be sucked in again by him. Harness that anger and use it constructively.