Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? It sucks to be me!!! #58

Hi K,

Coming from the same type of "background" as you do, I am not really surprised at your parent's reaction. I am impressed at your dad's take. I think a few of us have said the same thing here.
I never understood why your H was not into it...maybe now I have a better idea.
I have said this in the past...it resonates loud and clear in my past sitch, yours and that of many others here. There is no way a spouse leaves his family behind if there is no plan B. The plan Bs may differ slightly but more often than not, there is one.
Now when we try to piece this thing we call a relationship back together and the OP is still around, our chances for success are very slim. So stop blaming yourself. If your H is still "friends" with OW, you guys were just spinning your wheels.
In conclusion K, I don't care what country you live in and how many kids you have, if you do not let this latest setback linger too long, you will be happy again. You will find someone who will make you happy. You are too beautiful inside and out for that not to happen.

K-

I am sorry it has come to this. I 'obsess' a lot the way you do. Meaning I keep asking the questions of my husband because I am not getting real answers. "Why did you say you wanted back in if you weren't going to really try? Why do you say you love me and then do nothing? etc etc etc etc...."

Our MC told us over a year ago, "Ask your question once, and you must make yourself accept the answer. You cannot keep asking the question until you get the answer you want because that may never happen." H reminds me of that sometimes when I keep asking the same thing...

I know you were wanting some answers for the sake of reconciliation or for the sake of closure. Even if he had said, "She is not my friend, she is my lover, I love her, I want to spend my life with her." Even though it would be terrible to hear, it would give you some answers. Anyway maybe I am rambling I am just trying to 'see' where you have been coming from.

The problem is sometimes they will not give us the answers because either they can't or they won't. I am leaning toward won't at this point...

Thinking of you and hoping that you can begin to heal and move forward with your children, rebuilding your life and rediscovering the sunshine.

I wanted to write that...

(((((Kalni mou))))), I am so sorry!

I don't understand what's happening with these men, MLC or no MLC.
But there are limits on the degree of pain one can take.
Heal, Kalni, be free, find your happiness again, be a Sunshine again, smile. Your M didn't work out, because you couldn't do it alone. You gave your H so many CLEAR indications of what you want from him, what you NEED, he could have tried at least. He didn't have to understand, he only had to listen to you, to believe you.

Start healing, Maria mou.

The pain will cease.

(((((HUGS))))))

((((((((((((Kalni))))))))))

Hold your head high sister and know you really did everything you possibly could to save your M.

Heal yourself, do it slowly and steadily and all will be right in the end. Hug your kids tight and support them mightily. You are the best parent they have.

I totally get the wanting to understand. I don't understand your C saying get over the past and the OW. My ex had an affair a few months after we got married. I was a flight attendant and gone an awful lot. Not the way to start a marriage but I didn't force him to cheat. The problem was, we never really dealt with it.

He said he was sorry, I was mad for a month and barely talked to him. Then I had a bad car accident and realized that I loved him and wanted to start my family and I stayed. However the issue never really was dealt with. And it happened again but you know this time it must be love or how else could he do the terrible things he has done.

Talking about her all the time does give her power, so I think there has to be an agreement reached where you can deal with the past in 30 minute increments once a day but no more and after x number of months it is put away. But the real key is he has to get rid of her and your H never did.

The R you had has to die. It was poisoned by past acts. Your H may never provide the answers you seek. I think you also need to remember what attracted you to your H to begin with. Was he passionate at one time? Did he have an adventurous side? Have you each looked at each other and faced the positives? Or has it only been about the destruction and the blame?

Sorry for writing so much. Your situation just makes me think that there may be something there yet.

kat

Thanks girls, "sisterhood of the hungry beavers", LOL!

Just came back from the C. I did state my objection on what she said Sat. She said what she meant was that I was partly responsible for not getting what I needed from him while giving more than what I should be. she said if we dont request what we want, nobody will hand it to us. I wasnt exactly satisfied by her detailed explanation but I dont care anymore.

I told her what happened. She said "ok, now let it go". You made your decision, it's done. Her only "worry" is that "what if he indeed never had an affair with her? Why would he come back if he wanted her?" I explained my reasoning and that if that was the case, he should at least show some compassion which he never did, and I find that not loving at all. And I dont like my feelings being belittled or disregarded. That, THAT is essential for the type of relationship I want. She agreed. She said she agrees with my thinking.

Then we did the triangle of relationships. No surprise for me. I am ruled by the idea "I am not doing something well enough, I am not as good as I could be". She said, that is the reason of my anger now and maybe she is right. That I am angry at myself cause I am thinking maybe if I had done that or this things would be different. Or even if I had not agreed to try things would be different for me and my kids by now but I wasnt careful enough, smart enough,etc etc when I agreed.

She said there is no reason to go on Saturday and I agreed. She told me to start thinking that whatever I have done was the best I could under the circumstances and that I should not be so strict with myself. I want to do that. I need that. I am driving myself crazy doubting my actions of years ago to today.

I did my best. I did all I could and fought as hard as I could. The result is what should be. There is a reason things happened this way. I have got to trust the future and what I am capable of. I need to shake off the fear the guilt towards my kids and the anxiety I feel when I think of tomorrow. I am not a bad person. True I can be a PITA, but I can be very loving and usually I am caring and thoughtful about people around me. I dont think of ways to hurt people or be antagonistic. I am moody, maybe a bit silly at times, "crazy" when I get passionate about things, but I never wanted to hurt anybody. Not stbxH and NEVER my kids. I had no idea things would become like this. I was a romantic thinking love is all it takes. Because that is all it took for me to accept to live with less than the bare essentials in a relationship. I landed on my face, crashed. I spend months asking the same question over and over "how the hell did this happen to US?" My head knows why. Everything else still fights the answers. I guess accepting the answers would mean accepting what my C said :under the circumstances of the past, we BOTH did the best we could. Did we? If this was our best, I cant even begin to think of what our worst would have been...

I hope it is easier this time. After all,I am a veteran now. I really need some sunshine...
K

Hi kat, I was typing and didnt see your post. I believe we are done this time. BOTH of us.
It's sad but hey... it's the best it can be according to my C.
Thanks for posting, you are always welcome... I hope things are going ok with the fight your family is giving.
xxxx
K

K, You probably won't be "done" for a long time. Have no regrets for the love affair of last summer that didn't materialize - it was not the right thing to do in the circumstances - you gave me similar advice to not date. Focus on your well-being and your kids from now on and for a while - they need you and will live their lives by your example and love so this madness does not get repeated in their lives. I hope the madness dies down soon and you have more peace. And if I may say so it does not suck to be anyone - that's a bunch of rude garbage.

fb, I know i wont be "done -done' for a long time. But I am. And you got me wrong. The last thing I would have regrets over would be what I lived last summer (autumn actually). I am looking for peace now. You are right.
I had a lovely day today with my kids...
K

((((((Kalni)))))
I think I am seeing the Sunshine peek out. HUGS!