Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Just keep swimming...PH #5

Well, got an email from xBF tonight:

Any bills due?

So apparently he's not ready to discuss my email which is fine. I wasn't expecting a response.

I was making plans for a weekend out of town next month and realized that if I decide to give xBF another chance that may screw up my plans and I was annoyed. I guess that's pretty telling!

I spoke too soon. The email just came through:

For over eight years when we were together I was honest with you, I didn't lie to you - for two months, I did and I very much regret it and would do anything I could to re-live that time. You can't judge the eights years, or my whole life on the mistakes I've made over two months. NOW I say I lied, because NOW I’m being honest with you as I have been for most of the time I’ve known you. I believe I am an honest person by nature, but I have made mistakes, ones I will never make again.

I am not asking you to trust me now, I’m asking you to give me time and a chance to earn the trust back.

I want to communicate with you – I have learned through this experience that I need to communicate with you (and not someone else) and I need to do a better job of it. I will be better at it if given the chance.

I can’t take back what has happen and it will probably haunt me for a long time, but I have grown and learned from this experience and will be a better person for it.

As for her, if you are willing to seriously talk, I will tell you anything you want to know, but she is aware I still have feelings for you.

My initial reaction is - aha, so you are still seeing her and just trying to see if I'll take you back before you end things with her. I'm insulted.

I really just want to shoot back:

Unless and until you prove to me that you have ended your affair we have nothing to discuss.

But I am smarter than that. Now begins the 24-hour cooling off period before any response. I'm off to catch up with my favorite rock star!

CORRECT. Because if you tell him "You need to do X, Y and Z" you'll just get X, Y and Z (or at least the APPEARANCE of it), and what would you rather have, "compliance" or "commitment"?

I also thought he was parsing this:



"Still have feelings"???? Good god, I would HOPE so -- how long have the two of you been together?? I "have feelings for" my crazy Uncle Ralph, and I "have feelings for" the first pet goldfish I had when I was a kid. That's lame.

Puppy

Well Puppy, at least he "still has feelings" for me. Not sure I can say the same about him. Fond memories, yes. Love, can't find any.

I was telling JD earlier this is the first time I've been tempted to snoop since I kicked him out (which will be known as "freedom day" from now on) to see how much/what he's still saying to OW. But I figured there's no point if he's not really going to give her up and focus on making it up to me. The basic assumption is that he is a liar and that's not going to change any time soon.

We are very different then. I'd be in HIGH snoop mode, just looking to bust his ass in YET ANOTHER LIE.

I guarantee you, he still has both plates spinning.

Puppy

Ok, I didn't need much prompting and just read his email.

Confirmed he has been living with her since freedom day. He is still seeing her, they went out last weekend and at least exchanged emails today.

I know it shouldn't matter because I already knew in my gut that was going on, but seeing the proof just infuriates me. Now I really want to ask him something point blank, catch him in a lie, tell him off and walk away forever.

Pearl,

Sitting here and reading back through the last few posts, there are 2 ways I can see your going.

1. Follow Gucci and Puppy with their wise DB words and ways
2. Forget all about snooping, catching out etc and just drop it

Which way you want to go is entirely up to you. If it's No.2, then there is absolutely no point is trying to score the final point before walking. You KNOW what is happening, so you can just walk with a swing in your stride and go off into the sunset already. Making further waves in your emotions is totally unecessary.

No.1, well that's where I have to leave it with the 2 maestros that are guiding you.

I have used DB to heal me, it was NEVER going to work for my M, I knew that, but the principles are so sound that they have rebuilt ME. You are/were doing the same. Think carefully Pearl, very carefully, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years...where do YOU want to be?

silvagod,

Please be careful about grouping me in with Puppy. I speak for myself and my views don't always agree with Puppy. You have assumed wrongly that I think she should snoop or catch him in a lie, etc.

There is a difference in your situation than in Pearl's.
Her exbf WANTS to get back together. Huge difference. The whole premise of this site is in saving a relationship on the brink. She now has that chance. (HER choice)

Believe it or not, this relationship now CAN be saved if Pearl chooses and handles herself properly and knows how and when to believe he has "now seen the light and will never let this happen again."

He is still testing her to a degree. She keeps passing the tests brilliantly. However, I do agree what we do now know more of what is going on. (he IS still with the OW) We basically already knew that, but we needed to hear it from his own mouth.


Pearl,
I do believe that you should not respond to his latest email.
He beat around the bush. (which is the same thing that he seems to have done throughout your relationship) That would not be enough for me.

He needs to contact you again. He needs to wonder why you have not responded. When he does try again, is when you can hit him with some more ammunition of why and what you "have decided" (which will point back to this latest email we are discussing.)

He probably isn't going to give up even if you tell him to leave you alone. From my experience and observations on this site of people getting rejected it seems to be quite the opposite. Most people giving advice on here actually tell the one rejected to not believe a word they say and only half what they see. He could be getting that type of advice from others huh?

There will still be an opportunity to do this, if that's what you want to do. Follow Gucci, and play out the string. Part of that string WILL contain a decision point for your boyfriend, and you will have the benefit of "knowing what you know," so it will be very easy to see if he tells you the truth. At THAT time, you can call him on it if you wish, in whatever MANNER you wish. I'd suggest something a lot stronger and calmer, such as "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying -- again -- right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. So when you're ready to deal truthfully with me, let me know. I may or may not have moved on at that point, however."

But let Gucci lead at this critical stage.

Puppy

{{{Pearl}}}} I think it's good you know from snooping..as a general rule, it doesn't always help, but in your case, in the decision making process, I think it's good to know what's really going on..

Sigh...I hate that this is going this way for you and I know this stinks like crazy..and I think you are doing a magnificent job of handling it all my sweetie!

Tawnya