S&A: I don't think I am exaggerating about the shattered world in our current phase of family. Before I became pregnant, the world wouldn't have been shattered. As a matter of fact, I was on the road of enforcing my boundary then (until oops). When my son is a young adult and had his childhood with his Dad, the world wouldn't be shattered. I'm not saying that I won't end up in that shattered world, because a massive force is pushing me to continue this journey, but it would suck beyond sucking. I would need a ton of therapy to get through it. I am pretty sure that I would spend the rest of my life wondering if I did the right thing. On that ultimate shore, I might look at my son and hate myself for not giving him a better life.
I guess I'm still in such a mommy mode, I can't leap for passion "come what may" right now. I would bet that my feelings would be different in a few years if H chooses and decides in some ways rather than others.
I get your reasoning. We get one life and it's up to each individual to make it the best. I'm just doing what is "best" today, and fighting for a "best" tomorrow.
Thanks for your input, S&A. I read all of your posts to others on the board, and I have a ton of respect for you.
If I had the sex life I have always wanted my thoughts would be more along the lines of "What we would be doing next time", instead of "Is she going to be open or closed to me?" I would not be so obsessed and anxious about sex. I would have much more energy to devote to other thoughts. Also my thoughts about sex would be shared with my lover instead of hidden, she would actually want to hear about what I am thinking of sex-wise.
I would be so much more patient with my D, everyone in fact would benefit from my improved mood.
Wow stress would be at an all time low. Depression? What were there be to be depressed about? I would feel so close to and loved by my W, there would be no question that she loves me so and so much joy in making each other feel so good. I would be shouting how great my SL is from the roof tops and trying to help others find their way to a life like this (kinda like DQ does).
I would feel so close to and loved by my W. Our love would be stronger than ever. It would be the love that I dreamed of having going into marriage.
Giving things up to have a SL like this is an interesting question. Early in my M I gave up playing music because I wanted more free time to be with my W. I actually returned to playing as an outlet when sex went downhill.
My body would be exactly the same as it is now. More hair on top of my head would be nice though.
To get to a great SL from here?... My partner would have to change or I'd have to find a new partner. We would never get to my idea of a great sex with her attitude as it is now. The changes in her would have to be a healthy attitude towards sex. I really do believe there is some repulsion about sex for her. Sex therapy, I suppose, would be the only way to get there from here. How to get her to a ST I have no idea.
Try the mental exercise, but make this assumption first:
*In 5 years, I will be living out my own personal fantasy sex life.
This assumption means that you don't have to include in your mental exercise "how you will get there from here" or "who your partner will be". You don't have to make that icky thought of "well, my fantasy sex life wouldn't be with my current partner, so to think of it I have to go through all these painful thoughts first".
Instead, no matter what other circumstances in your life change or don't change, just assume that you will be living in that fantasy sex life 5 years from now. You don't have to worry about any one else in this equation. You don't have to change anyone, beg anyone to listen, find new partners, nothing. All you know is that you WILL be living out that fantasy sex life.
So....now how does it look in your mind? Is it different than the first time you tried this exercise? Are you freer and is it easier to imagine how you will feel in 5 years? Do you have any new thoughts on the matter when you know you don't have to worry about your partner in the equation?
*In 5 years, I will be living out my own personal fantasy sex life.
We would be so in love, eager to please one another because we know we are meant for each other. We would be so playful about the way we interact. No worries, no regrets, no resentment, no insecurities.
We would both be verbal during ML calling each others names with passion.
Anything goes... We would be willing to try anything at least once. If it feels good we would do it again and add it to our repertoire. There would be an openness to be able to talk about any aspect of sex, what turns us 'on' or 'off'.
We would be spontaneous. Any moment we had free *could* be an encounter. Of course all of our free time would not be taken up with sex. It wouldn't need to be because we would both be thoroughly satisfied and happy.
Wow DQ, not worrying about how I get this wonderful life but just dreaming about it being real makes a huge difference. I can actually see myself living this sex life. No frustration with the details of getting there, just the joy of having this come true. Next step? Don't dream it, Be it. lol Seriously, Dream and then manifest the Dream.
I'm smiling right now just imagining how wonderful life would be to live like this.
Did I mention there would be stiletto shoes involved?
Aw that's awesome Cinco! Just what I was hoping for! To give you the opportunity to be free to *taste* what that life would look like. Just tasting it is the beginning of bringing it to life...
This is just how it happened for me. I had prayed and visualized having my fantasy sex life for several years, and I deliberately *tasted* it by placing myself in it within my mind and focusing on it. It was heaven. Once I tasted it, even just in imagination, I knew I was headed toward it. I just knew it.
At that time, I was married, and I assumed this fantasy sex life would be with my husband. I ignored the obvious questions like "but he's not like my fantasy, how will I get there from here?" I just refused to even ask myself "how". Instead I just focused on "it WILL BE SO and I am visualizing it now".
My life rolled along and of course, as you know, the story was that I ended up divorced....
Not what I wanted and I still have regrets...HOWEVER...
I do see in hindsight that for my life, my story, myself, divorce is what needed to happen.
So now....
I do have the fantasy sex life I had been visualizing and mentally *tasting* for all those years. And it IS just as great as I had hoped it would be. In fact, it blows away my vision, because it is REAL, and because it came with special little "extras" I never could have imagined alone. My new partner brings his own fantasy sex life to the table and I have picked up many things from his fantasies that make mine even richer, funner, more exciting...the mesh of our two fantasy lives has exceeded even my highest expectations.
I know that by visualizing and tasting my fantasy sex life, I helped move myself toward it. That's why I hope others will at least consider it, visualize it, and believe it is possible, once in a while, think about it...see it....mentally live in it...feel how it would feel to your body and your mind....its important to tell your inner self that you really believe you deserve this and that its possible for you, regardless of any road blocks that may be in your way....just believe its possible, that's the first step.
