Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC or OW My Heart is Ripped Apart

Thanks Amy...
It is hard because OW not completely confirmed but I am pretty sure. How can I compete against a younger woman (41...I am 44) that is better educated (masters) an endurance athlete (god!) and has never had children? My husband turned 50 last May. I really didn't see a change in him until the end of November or so. In fact I came back from my yearly mom's retreat with some girlfriends and he was so happy to see me and said the house felt so much more "homey" when I was there. A few weeks ago he mentioned that even when I was away on that trip and came back after 4 days by not initiating sex, that signaled to him that I just wasn't interested. That comment blew me away and now I feel so guilty but can't go back in time.

I am glad to hear that working on yourself made you feel better and that is definitely what I have been trying to do. Going to the gym, lost 25 lbs, younger clothes, etc.... and it does help ME feel better.

Hi Sandi,
Thank you very much for your detailed post to my sitch. My husband turned 50 last May. Started seeing a change in him around the end of November...I am 44 and I believe the OW is 41. She has no children, just left her husband, is highly educated and an endurance athlete for god's sake! How to compete with that??

Thank you for saying that I must be a good W......I actually believed I was. I guess I should have read more about Venus/Mars stuff to have realized that sex was as important to him as it was. Again...not like I ever once refused sex...never a headache, always up for a bit of fun you know. Unfortunately he never spoke of this and just assumed I wasn't attracted to him so I guess went elsewhere. He has lost about 25 lbs, has a great, fit body now and I do find him quite attractive.
Last night we celebrated my son's 18th birthday at a restaurant. It was a nice time, had some chianti together and later ML when we got home, but there was no kissing. Sex without kissing is pretty much what we have going on lately. I know you mentioned who gives him the right to decide when he sleeps in our bed or not. I guess I have left that open for now. I am so hopeful to patch things up and since sex was his issue....I'm trying to be more proactive on that side of things.

Still what troubles me, and I know this probably seems silly, but he always used to call me "Hun" such as Hi Hun....how was your day? Hi Hun....what are your plans.... Now he just calls me by my name instead. It hurts me so much!!

Regarding whether he asked if he could stay until the kids were out of school.....we made a mutual decision so as not to disrupt their school year. My son is due to graduate and starts his baseball season and my daughter is finishing up her sophomore year. In my mind I am hoping that by him staying, and me working on myself and doing 180's such as not nagging him for not being around much on the weekends, not interrogating him after he returns and initiating more sex that he will have a change of heart. Am I pathetic?

In the meantime, I have talked to a DB coach on the phone which has been very helpful, seeking personal therapy, taking steps to go back to school to finish my degree, starting to look for new work (we run a business together), working out, self help books, journaling, you name it I've done it. Sad to say, but so much of my identity IS linked to H and our M. I met him my first day in town in 1987. That is how long we have been together. We have so much history together, so many good times. We were never the type of couple to argue or fight. Maybe he just got bored!!

Regarding staying under the same roof....I am having a hard time imagining life outside of my home. We designed and built our home together 10 years ago. He said he wants me and the kids to stay in the home, and in this economy it would be hard to sell. I just can't imagine living here in the future without him. Every beam, wall, tile, etc.... will remind me of how hard we worked to build this place and all of the good times we have shared here. SO HARD!!

Regarding MLC...he has changed so much! He even told me so back in December. He said he wanted to be healthy that is why he was going to the gym so often (twice a day sometimes). Even the kids have noticed that he is not around as much. He used to come home from work, we would share a glass of wine or a beer to unwind, chat, watch TV, etc... Now he rarely drinks (and he was never a heavy drinker), barely smiles or makes jokes, just seems to have a different personality. So...I think he is having a MLC combined with PA.

I have started thinking that this is probably less about ME and more about him.

Anyway Sandi, I am in this for the long haul. Having patience I am already finding is very hard but so far so good.

I appreciate the list of Do's and Don'ts and will take these to heart.

Hope all is well with you and I REALLY appreciate your comments. Have a fantastic day! I'll try too!

A great quote...

You never know how STRONG you are... until being strong is the ONLY choice you have!

Don't let him blame you Abby. He did this, not you. You did not *force* him to this by not initiating over the years. If you never turned him down, he has nothing to complain about.

On the flip side, if you want this to work out long term, you are going to have to be capable of forgiveness at some point.

Thinking of you..

SF

And, you hit the nail on the head...this is way more about him than about you!

That's why it's so important to take care of you!!!

You will come through this in one piece. Hopefully, your H will be with you on the other side. Just take it one day at time, and do continue to explore the things that your DB coach suggested. Those are the things that will get your through!

Hang in there...we are all here rooting for you!

Hugs to you.
Amy

Hugs to you all! I wish the best for each and every one of you too. Time to get outside......beautiful day in sunny socal.

Hi Spellfire,

Thanks for your support. If we make it through this, you are right about forgiveness. One of his issues was that years back....while I was pregnant with my daughter, I suspected that he was having an EA or PA with an old friend of his. Phone records indicated that they spoke ALL the time. I was devastated then. He denied, so I am uncertain but pretty sure they had a relationship. Then about 10 years ago, while we were building our house, I suspected that he had some type of relationship with a mutual friend of ours. Again...not sure but felt it in my gut. So when I confronted H about this current situation last month, I brought up those other 2 sitchs and he said he couldn't believe that I still thought he had affairs, and that they were just friends, blah blah blah. Then he accused me of being like my mom and holding a grudge forever. Over the years, believe me, it took all of my *forgiving* skills to put those incidents out of my mind. I really did and never thought this kind of thing would happen again.

How stupid I was! Anyway, can't take back what I said, and in my heart I think I am correct in my assumptions. So this is where our number two issue is from his point of view, he says that *TRUST* is an issue. I can honestly say it never would have been again if he hadn't radically changed his behavior over the last few months.

In any case Spellfire, thanks for your kind words. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful day. Abby

{{{Abby}}} You sound good and the fact that you are getting out and enjoying your beautiful day is WONDERFUL!!! As you can easily see, lots and loads of support is here for the taking

Tawnya

Hi,
Last night was obviously a full moon because I was totally out of my tree. We had a family issue with our son yesterday and met with school officials. Everything turned out OK, but was stressful!! We came home and talked more with our son.

I naturally assumed that we would have dinner as family. H declared he was going to the gym. So this is where I went out of my tree....I said "I'll go with you! which gym are you going to?" (I only have a single gym membership whereas he can go to any gym in the chain). He wasn't planning on going to the one that I have a membership to because he went there earlier in the day. So I said...Oh...well I am upgrading my membership and went and put tennis shoes on and said "I'm taking a walk why don't you join me?" He said he hates walking around our neighborhood. I said OK...then walked down to the end of the block and came back in the house, brought in the mail. He said I thought you were going on a walk and I said I didn't feel like walking by myself that it was lonely. (PATHETIC!!!). Tried to recruit both kids to go to no avail. Then went out in front of the house and talked my neighbor on my cell phone about nothing in particular. Then my H walked out of the house, asked who I was talking to and said he would be right back. Meanwhile I am thinking in my mind..."He is going to see HER!". He left, I got in my car, managed to cut my hand which was bleeding all over the place,and drove to where she lives KNOWING his car would be there. Well...I got there and it WAS NOT there. Feeling relieved and completely idiotic, I started to drive home and he called and told me he was at Sbucks and asked if I wanted him to bring me some coffee. NICE! So I got home before he did, and he did bring me coffee and we watched TV together.

I am not this person and it is really making me mad! I can't believe I am doing the things I am doing. What a backslide in behavior. I'll blame it on the full moon!!!

Anyway, I see a therapist today for the first time in my life. Not sure what to expect but am hoping for the best.

Everyone backslides abby. Don't beat yourself up too much, just resolve to do better next time.

Why didn't you go for the walk by yourself? Unless it's for safety reasons I think it's a great idea. Gets you out of the house, some fresh air and exercise. I go for a 4-mile walk every day and now I'm hooked. I always walked sporadically, but when the first bomb was dropped I started going every day. I used that time to clear my head and work out my anger and frustration. I found that the first 45 minutes I was very emotional but by the last 15 I had calmed down. It did so much for my mental state I wasn't even concerned with the exercise aspect (but it certainly helps keep the weight off).

I know it's difficult for many people to do things by themselves, i.e. movie, eating out, classes, etc. But going for a walk by yourself is a great first step. Then you'll find yourself more comfortable doing what you want and not having to find another person to accompany you. Just put on your favorite music and bop down the sidewalk. I know I must look crazy at times to passersby but I'm having fun!

The bonus would have been being occupied and not driving to OW's house looking for H.

Good luck with the therapist. Going to the counselor was a first for me too. I find it to be a safe place to talk and usually end up crying (he says that's totally normal) and I always feel at least a little bit better when I leave.