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((((((CL)))))))

I feel for you, really I do.

Your situation sounds like it is emotionally grueling and honestly I don't know what to say.

As you know, we all hear one side of the story here, our side. And I am sure if we spoke to the WAS, we would hear a totally different view of the situation.

In fact, I recently spoke to one of the WAS's of a poster here, and heard a completely different story, so opposite in fact that it was mind boggling!!

If your wife is indeed having a crisis of sorts, then you have alot of work to do, and with that comes an abundance of patience.

She does sound like an incredibly spoiled Princess, who is used to having things done her way, and I guess that is what irks me about some of the things you have described.

Have you always catered to her needs?

What happens when you say "NO".

What are some of the things she has complained about concerning you during the Marriage?

Have you read the Taming of the Shrew? (Just kidding)
(((((((hugs)))))))

BND,
You're not the first poster to use the term princess with my W. She works 25 hours per week, and has free time to pursue interests, sleep in, and take naps. She occassionally comments that she wants to be a princess, and thinks of herself as high maintenance.

I do think she fits MLC more so than WAS. I think she is on a journey of the self, and hasn't figured out happiness yet. She's turning 50 this year. She doesn't think she's going to live a long life (smoker with chronic cough), so she possibly creates an urgency in her mind about the intimacy issues.

I think the lack of intimacy in the M is the main issue, from her perspective. It's been a longstanding problem. Her perspective is that I have the problem and should work on it in IC. My perspective is that there is a relational element, in that we need to create a R for intimacy to flourish. She won't go to MC.

When I try to talk to her about this issue, she tells me that I'm blaming externals for my issue. She only valildates me if I tell her what I'm working on to improve myself.

I do need to continue to find 180's to change the relational patterns. I do have assertiveness issues, and have a history of being passive-aggressive. I'm going to look into the Dance of Anger book you recommend.

My contribution to the intimacy problem is that I allow her to be disrespectful to me, and suck it up as you say. I think this pattern is an intimacy killer for me (or am I making excuses, as she suggests)? I notice the author of the book you suggest, also has a book out on intimacy patterns between couples.

What is the Taming of the Shrew about? I don't know much about Shakespeare. I like to read creative nonfiction, such as literary and personal essays.

Thanks for your questions and helping me to sort this out. It helps to have a fresh set of ears and a different perspective.

CL

Taming of the Shrew

I am not sure if the link will work, but this will give you a brief synopsis of the story.

So lets begin with you, and put the issues with your Wife aside for now.

There is also a wonderful book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr.Cloud.
This may give you some insight as to what you will and will no longer tolerate in the Marriage.

Once you enforce the boundaries, she will probably fight you on them for a while and test you, BUT eventually she will settle down and accept the "new you".

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Do not allow her to bully you and manipulate you.

Have a good evening, I have to have an early night as I start work at 4:30am and this daylight savings thing is going to kick my arse in a few hours.....

G'nite!

This sentence prompted me to start looking at books on the topic of managing manipulative behavior. I think I do let her keep me unbalanced. I don't think she's often conscious of what she does--it's reactive, and defensive. I'm often not dealing with a person who is mindful of their thoughts and feelings, and is able to manage them skillfully.

I keep thinking of the distinction between wise and idiot compassion. I fear that I've ventured into idiot compassion territory, by continually allowing myself to be kept unbalanced, and working to meet unrealistic, unspoken expectations.

Understanding and dealing with unreasonable people is an area I need to become more skilled at. I found a book called, The Gaslight Effect. I'll get started and keep you posted.

I have read the straightforward books on assertiveness and conflict management. I have gotten better at speaking up when I think she's being unfair.

CL

Hiya CL! Wow, some good advice here already. As always, I admire your willingness to look within and make changes toward a better life.

I wanted to post and share the name of the book I found which I'm going to start reading. It is, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation other People Use to Control your Life, by Robin Stern.

I reviewed it on Amazon, and it sounds like just what I need to put together some different 180's to my W. I'll be eager to share what I learn and experiment with.

CL

Aud,
Thanks for stopping by to my new neighborhood. I need to be in a neighborhood where I can give and receive daily support. I hope you stay with my thread, and continue to provide your insightful advice.

I've appreciated your validation and respect of my style and temperament. I want all my DB efforts to come from a place of compassion for self and my W. It's now time to lean more towards myself.

CL

Yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for some reason--waves of sadness. I had a hard time concentrating at work.

I watched Dancing with the Stars last night. It's inspiring to watch the male dancers. I dance 3-4X/ week to keep up with my skills learned in lessons.

There was a cha cha done by some male celebrity. He was unassuming and quiet when they interviewed him, but he was transformed on the dance floor--poised, confident, uninhibited. I know the feeling of being transformed on the dance floor.

I get compliments from the lady dancers I dance with, so I must be on the right track. I've been dancing for about four years now.

I'm looking forward to starting The Gaslight Effect today. I'll post what I've learned.

I'm going to venture out tonight to a local venue to practice dancing, even if just for an hour. I want to build and deepen my connections in the dance and ballroom community.

CL

Hope today was less difficult for you, CL. It IS a sad time for you. You have put so much effort into making your marriage work, but your wife is not reciprocating.

Hope you have a good evening dancing!