Fair observations, Puppy. Now you see, if you and me were M, we'd be having one of those unsolvable debates over what something "really" means here, wouldn't we?
Let's break it down a bit -- I'm pretty certain we're not reading things (in MWD) the same way. Here's my POV:
I'm going to refer to p. 128 in DR, under "GAL":
* stop acting as if you're a victim. Check * immediately start doing things that are out of character. Check * become more upbeat in your partner's presence. Check * appear pleased w/ yrself and yr own life. Check * pull back and wait to see if yr spouse notices. Check
Maybe I don't see the pulling back, nor the things that are out of character. I could be wrong. But "GAL" almost always refers to things you do SEPARATELY from your wife; my post to you this morning was entirely about your interactions WITH your wife.
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Nothing I did last night violated any of those precepts. As to the body language, both DB and DR repeatedly talk about observing it.
Observing, yes. Obsessing, no. I see you obsessing, but that's just my opinion.
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* Be loving in return but not overly excited or enthusiastic. Check. * Accept some invitations but not all. Check.
Again, maybe it's just me, but to ME you do sound overly enthusiastic. Maybe that's just the way you're reporting things to US, and now how you're acting around your wife.
Which invitations of hers have you turned down?
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On another thread someplace, someone (almost certainly a guy) suggested that one be a "patient predator." What does a predator do? Watches and waits and reads for signs of comfort in the prey.
True, but I'm pretty sure he does it from the hidden distance of the thicket.
I'd love to hear Melissa's thoughts on this, as she's been following you more closely than I have, admittedly.
Fair observations, Puppy. Now you see, if you and me were M, we'd be having one of those unsolvable debates over what something "really" means here, wouldn't we?
No, I'm pretty sure if we were married, you'd tell me that I was right, in order to keep the peace.
To an extent, I agree with puppy. You seem to be where I was a while ago - focusing on DB and watching everything your W does to see if it is working and if things are moving in the right direction.
After a while I found that this was just another way of me focusing on my W instead of myself. Recently, I have had to focus more on being "lovingly detached". Ie, I am not being dim - I am upbeat, talkative, etc - but in general, I am caring less and less about what she is doing and what she is thinking and more and more about what I am doing and what I am thinking (and feeling). This is the only thing that is going to give my W the space she needs to make up her mind, allow me to improve myself for myself, and enable me to maintain the effort for the duration that is probably going to be necessary.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, you make good points, but I tend to think of myself as doing what you're doing -- upbeat, talkative, focusing on myself.
I'm not status-checking to see if the DB is working -- but when there's been icy separation and then obviously less icy body language (no commentary, no googo-eyes) -- it's hard not to take notice. AT BEST it COULD be a signal that I've stopped pushing/pursuing. If so, so be it. If her body was just collapsing and that's the way it happened to fall, so be it as well.
Definitely taking it all with salt, especially because she caught me off-guard this a.m. (serving the kids some bkfst) and sprang an "idea" about the finances on me.
Researching -- as much as I can -- the state laws on spousal support and commingling of funds right now.
Don't make the mistake I made of seeing some positive changes (combined with complaints from my W about my new lack of availability) and backing off from the DB in response.
Realize that as soon as you back off from the DB, she is going to run again.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Serious gut check time a minute ago. She came downstairs from her shower looking fantastic. Got the same feeling in the pit of my stomach I had the first time I saw her 20 years ago. Had to immediately refocus on my D and leave the room. Otherwise it would have been Backsliding Central.
Thankfully I have my little DB notebook in my pocket at all times, so I can physically touch it and remind myself of the Mandatory Donts.
WAW did it today. Knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Pushed the "suspects affair" button. "Somehow" managed to have cell phone conversation with Enabling Girlfriend outside the kids' bathroom -- no kids there, btw -- which just happens to also be the entrance to my in-home office, which had the door open.
Oh, boy, really sexy new outfit for up-coming trip to Enabling Girlfriend's city...
Well you can imagine the rest.
If I could curse on this bb, the next 6000 characters would be one long swear word. (#(#*$(@#*)#)*(!U@!()*#U@()E*@P#$IJ@){RUKNJFHSFYO@#U@(#*& $EINE*(&@I$UH@$*^&R(IUHDF*^%$#%!#@!#@*
I mean, REALLY. It's bad enough that you're doing it. But to rub it in my face like that. Just because you know you can.
And the weirdest thing is -- that's not her. This is someone I've known for 22 years. This is some kind of pod person.
I think she wants you to fight for her. She's nose-tweaking, with is either flat-out DISRESPECT, for which you need to call her on it, or it's a cry for help and you need to fight for her.
Would you have tolerated this from her the first month you were married? Why should now be any different?
I think it's important to remember that for women, RESPECT is tied VERY closely with LOVE. It's almost impossible for a woman to feel lovingly toward a man when she begins to lose respect for him.
Something to think about.
She is most definitely NOT the woman you've known for 22 years. She is THIS woman, in THIS state, and should be dealt with accordingly.
I've spoken my peace, and I feel like I'm lecturing you now, which is really NOT my intent. I know it SUCKS SWAMPWATER to be be where you are, because I HAVE BEEN where you are. It's absolutely the most painful, UNFAIR thing you've probably ever had to deal with.
