Hello all, it has been a while since I updated my sitch, so I thought now would be a good time to do so.
My sitch is linked in my signature, but here is a quick time line for those who do not remember:
17 years married. 2 kids. Everything good, no problems to speak of. Great sex, no debt, big house, brand new cars, professional jobs, kids on honor roll, never a fight between us. Life is on cruise control.
8/24: She tells me "I'm not happy with our R", and then heads off to a (pre-planned) nite out with "her girlfriends". I'm stunned to say the least. This is the first time I had any indications of a problem in our R.
8/25: Rolls over in bed (after closing down a bar with "her girlfriends") and says "I want a D, it can happen in 62 days in this state and that is what I want!". WTF?!?!? She swears, there is no one else.
8/25-9/24: I beg, I plead, I guilt, I'm a mess. She refuses C, refuses any idea that this can be fixed. She is detached and distant. Her Dad makes her attend MC with me...waste of $2K as she sits there with her arms crossed and refuses to participate. Who is this person?
9/25: I hired a PI to tail her for two weekends while she is "out with her girlfriends". Turns out she WAS out with her girlfriends (all divorced...hint!) AND a guy she works with. PI has pix of very un-married like behavior with him. PI provides me her phone records for the last 6 months (don't ask how) and it turns out she started texting this guy in May and it has since ramped up to 140 texts in a single month. /Vomit.
9/26: I confront her at 4AM (she didn't get home until 3:30AM). I ask for the truth AGAIN. She lies. I tell her I have proof. She says I am bluffing. I present her with a bit of what the PI gave me and she caves. "Perhaps I shared too much of my emotions with some of my co-workers.". I ask her to re-consider MC. She refuses. "I'm done...I'm pretty sure I never loved you and I'm positive I don't love you now!". She says I just need to "get over" OM already. I give her two choices: Respect this home and stop contacting OM while we are still married, or leave. She chooses #2 and packs up her clothes and leaves for her parents'(10 minute drive). She is pissed.
9/26: Expose, Expose, Expose. I tell everyone. Her parents, mine, friends...pretty much everyone but her place of business. She is MORE pissed.
9/28: I'm served at work with D papers. Turns out she had consulted a L on 8/21, prior to the bomb. She had the L working on D papers before she even dropped the bomb.
10/1: GAL begins. 180s begin.
10/4: I invite her over for her favorite dinner (I'm a good cook) in an attempt to reduce the open hostility. Two minutes before the entree is served, her phone rings...OM...she actually answers and has a conversation standing not 10' from me and S7. "I will not have you disrespect me, our home, and our family...you need to leave. Now." On her way out I tell her that when she is willing to work on M, that I will be here, but as long as OM is in the picture that she needs to limit contact to D or child matters.
10/5: TRIPLE DARK BEGINS! Detachment begins.
10/5-Today: I am 62 pounds lighter. GAL continues for ME. 180s are not 180s anymore, they are habit. Dark is a way of life, but she probably gets as much out of it as I do as it allows her to reduce some guilt. We have probably spoken 10 words since October, which considering we have 2 kids, it is pretty dang dark. Not once have I seen any glimmer of hope from her, no emails, no texts, just POOF! she was gone. I said before it feels more like my wife died rather than a D and this feeling still stands.
She is still seeing OM as far as I know. She still lives with her parents. I should have the second draft of her decree (her responses to my changes) sometime this week. Assuming no deal-breakers, D will be final sometime this month.
So desperate is she to run away, she has given up claim to pretty much everything. She is leaving our ~500K estate with $2500 cash and a formal dining set. I keep the house and everything else. Custody is 50/50. I only pay her 20% of the difference in our salaries for CS. My L says take it and run...let her use this screwing as a lesson for her next D.
Dark helped me control my emotions, but it really didn't do anything for my R. I know that while she is involved with OM that there is really nothing to be done anyway, but sometimes I wonder if dark only served to push her further away. Either way, It had to be done for my sanity and emotional health.
My 18th anniversary is on the 16th and I think that will be a hard day for me but we shall see. It's been hard for me to not backslide, but I haven't and I am proud of that.
Big hugs to Puppy, Sandi and Phoenix for their support through all this.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
I'm sorry to hear that your wife has remained this stubborn, but I really don't think there was anything else you could have done. To have continued to let her disrespect you like she was would have killed YOUR self-esteem, and possibly even your emotional health.
Kudos to you on the weight loss and the GAL, you sound great!!!
You never know what the future holds. Your wife is going to "crash" at some point, and it's NOT going to be pretty. I've seen it happen the night before the divorce is supposed to be final, and I've seen it happen even AFTER people are divorced and then the WAS wants to reconcile. I do think at some point she is going to realize what a horrible, selfish mistake she made.
Yes, she will crash at some point. I've seen it first hand. The fantasy love my friend had with her OM crashed and burned about 2 months after the divorce. She hung on to the OM even though it got worse and worse. Now, 2 weeks ago, OM left her. She is only NOW dealing with her divorce and everything horrible in her life. Her ex husband has now moved on (1 year later) with a wonderful woman who is child centered and kind, yet he has his kids part time.
You may have needed to physically detach for your sanity and in order to emotionally detach. However, it does sound like going dark did make it easier for her to move on and leave. She didn't have to question what she was leaving behind because the door felt closed.
BTW, I think the reason OM called that one time when she was having dinner with you is because he probably felt a little jealous and threatened. If this had turned out to be a positive experience she might have left questioning her decision a little more.
Of course, that doesn't mean it would have stopped the D, or changed their relationship, but it might have made made the D just a little more difficult for her (and as far as I'm concerned, anything to make the OP jealous, or possibly react in an ugly way, is a nice little payback).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You may have needed to physically detach for your sanity and in order to emotionally detach. However, it does sound like going dark did make it easier for her to move on and leave. She didn't have to question what she was leaving behind because the door felt closed.
BTW, I think the reason OM called that one time when she was having dinner with you is because he probably felt a little jealous and threatened. If this had turned out to be a positive experience she might have left questioning her decision a little more.
I strongly disagree. These forums are FILLED with examples of how "being nice" does -- at best -- NOTHING to change the wayward's behavior, and -- at worst -- just emboldens them and makes the betrayed spouse feel like crap for having their boundaries violated.
He did the right thing. The "nice" was the dinner, and his wife knows that, and she knows she blew it by taking that call.
You may have needed to physically detach for your sanity and in order to emotionally detach. However, it does sound like going dark did make it easier for her to move on and leave. She didn't have to question what she was leaving behind because the door felt closed.
BTW, I think the reason OM called that one time when she was having dinner with you is because he probably felt a little jealous and threatened. If this had turned out to be a positive experience she might have left questioning her decision a little more.
I strongly disagree. These forums are FILLED with examples of how "being nice" does -- at best -- NOTHING to change the wayward's behavior, and -- at worst -- just emboldens them and makes the betrayed spouse feel like crap for having their boundaries violated.
He did the right thing. The "nice" was the dinner, and his wife knows that, and she knows she blew it by taking that call.
Puppy
I'll go into a little more detail regarding the call.
Her phone rang, and she stared at the caller ID for 3 rings before picking it up. She had a short conversation ("Uh Huh, No, Uh Huh, Etc) and when she hung up I asked if that was her BF (I called him by name).
"Well, I won't bother to lie because I know you will just find out the truth anyway...yes".
"Do you think it is appropriate to take a phone call from the partner in your adulterous affair standing in the home we built together? Did you notice S7 standing not 10' from you while you talked to him?"
"I didn't ask him to call..."
"You didn't have to answer the phone."
I moved close to her and cupped her face in one hand while I said softly (close enough to kiss her) "I'm sorry, but you are going to have to leave."
"Now?"
"Right now"
She was upset and teared up (for the first (and last) time since the bomb) and grabbed her things. As I escorted her thru the door she stammered "BUT I DIDN'T ASK HIM TO CALL!".
"{Name}, you have invited a third party into our marriage, and I can't live with that. I'll stand for our marriage as long as I can, but until you are willing to work together with me on it, I'll ask that you only contact me in regards to our kids or your D."
"Nothing has happened!"
"An emotional affair is just that, an affair. If it were OK you would not have felt the need to keep it secret."
I closed the door leaving her on the front porch, only then realizing her car was around back. She had to hoof it between the houses.
From that day forward, any time she entered my house it was without her phone.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
You may have needed to physically detach for your sanity and in order to emotionally detach. However, it does sound like going dark did make it easier for her to move on and leave. She didn't have to question what she was leaving behind because the door felt closed.
BTW, I think the reason OM called that one time when she was having dinner with you is because he probably felt a little jealous and threatened. If this had turned out to be a positive experience she might have left questioning her decision a little more.
Of course, that doesn't mean it would have stopped the D, or changed their relationship, but it might have made made the D just a little more difficult for her (and as far as I'm concerned, anything to make the OP jealous, or possibly react in an ugly way, is a nice little payback).
Running, In hindsight, you are probably right that he called her specifically because he felt threatened. There is no way I could have seen that then.
We can never know how changes in our reactions/actions might affect our results somewhere down the line. The problem lies in the fact that worrying about this too much causes "analysis paralysis", or the inability to act for fear of the result. For the newly LBS this is big problem as they (we) put SOOO much emphasis in the smallest action/reaction of the WAS that we are unable to function ourselves. I saw this in my own life and decided the following:
"Know what is right, then do what is right"
Sometimes, the "correct" thing to do is not the "right" thing to do. Make sense?
Standing by while she cuckolds me in my own home, in front of my child was probably "correct" DB'ing but if it killed my self-respect in the process, in my mind it would not be worth it.
I must love myself in order to love you.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
Sometimes, the "correct" thing to do is not the "right" thing to do. Make sense?
Standing by while she cuckolds me in my own home, in front of my child was probably "correct" DB'ing but if it killed my self-respect in the process, in my mind it would not be worth it.
I must love myself in order to love you.
[/quote]
Superstar, so true!!! I need to remember this b/c sometimes I get so afraid of hurting or upsetting my H that I allow him to do things that are just not right. I then I get upset and feel like crap. If I had nipped it in the butt from the start I would have been much better off. I gotta remember that.
Great job on standing up for yourself!! And I think it was the right DB thing to do. Hopefully I will be inspired.
She had to hoof it between the houses.