I agree with the others - you need someone to negotiate for you that is not emotionally involved with the marital breakup. A lawyer or a mediator is someone you should be speaking through.
There has to be a way to break down the walls and communicate with one another. After 12 years and 2 children and a tonne of happy memories. Google "saturn in the 12th house" (you) and "saturn conjunct Venus" (H)...lots of fear and rejection there. I'm not saying yuo should/will end up with him, but this is like a runaway train and the only one that will profit will be the fat cat lawyers. Better to give your money to the C and discuss it there, IC/MC whatever. Or maybe just take the walls down.. for 2 months.
Oh and dont listen to your friends, they just want you out of pain and happy again! (naturally)
You just cant press the fast forward button, the only way out is through.
Kalni - its not for anyone to tell you what to do...
I'm breaking a personal dictum here...
...it looks to me - as an outside observer that your H is trying ... trying to "bend" and not be confrontational - looks as if he's saying things which suggest he's in the "midst" of things...
Everyone here knows how frustrated and angry you are...but if I read the groundswell right - its suggesting that you slow down and don't rush to an outcome too quickly...
OK - I'm going to be devil's advocate - what will happen if you do divorce?
What happens then? Your H will still want to see his/your kids...what will be different for you?
To what extent will you be released? To be able to move on? To what extent will this "work"
You seem to want to be "free" from this situation...yet you have stuck with this for a long time...
Everyone here can understand that conflict...but at the same time - you seem to have a H who is trying... I have never offered this before but now it seems to be getting towards a D-Day point... Your H sounds like a A-Male/high achieving/A type personality - who got a lost - desperately trying to figure out what his purpose is, his role is, his "edge" - his being...In my case - i was completely lost! And was for 2/3 years!
To be honest Kalni - I empathise / sympathise with him...not in a "all men together" sort of way - but I do think I understand his "off-standish" and distant attitude...
Right at the moment I get a sense of his wanting to "please" you and not wanting to cause any more upset - yet this is contrary to your "want" - your need for a demonstration and declaration of love and commitment.
Likely (although I have no idea of his "issues")he will be able to work things out...
Its easy to point to answers... but before you pull the plug:-
Does he love you? Does he love the kids you have together? Do you love him?
Kalni - not sure how old your H is - but being a 30 / 40 year old man in today's world is a bloody challenge!!!
Crudely - we don't know whether to be Alpha men and sort things out in all arenas... or be sensitive and listen...(Ha!) and take on some / all responsibility for children... some of us are caught in the middle.. or with relationships where the responsibilities/balance weren't sorted out...and yes - the balance of responsibility of that does lie with the man to an extent...
So...please forgive me - at that end of free thought...
Kalni..Don't pull the plug on something that was and could again be wonderful - too quickly...
Good Morning! I read your posts and hear everything. I was furious last night. After talking with Ali for an hour she calmed me down (thanks sweets ) and I woke up in a better mood today. But I cant move very well, my back muscles are worse than yesterday. I used heat wraps at night but didnt help much, I think all the tension came out this way.
Regarding the custody etc. I am not going to push if he cant do it. I will not give him 100% custody although I am tempted. I think my kids will not want to leave the house and it would hurt them in the long run. I will demand that he takes them for a month during summer vacation because I really dont know what to do with them, during their break, my parents cant help as much anymore and I am dreading June 15th already, plus that we split all school breaks. I will also demand he pays for the divorce and that he gives me more money per month. If he doenst agree, I will take him to court. If he does, we go ahead and do it jointly.
I am writing a closure letter that I will give copies of to him and my C tomorrow. I dont think I will be able to speak out all these things because ther are my inner thoughts and frustrations. I know I will look weak and vulnerable but that is the truth and ultimately my strength. Ali is right about not talking honestly with each other. It's my last chance to tell it as I feel it.
I realised I hoped something would change. Even until last night I hoped he would just say "Maria,I want you to know this is not what I want but I am going along because you say you do". I remembered when he cried outside the C 3 months ago, how I felt my heart softening. It would be so easy to turn this around even after all that has happened. But he cant do anything.
GFI, if we divorce I will stop expecting things from him. I will stop living in a sitch where I dont know anymore if I am alone or not. I will be free to start over. He will still see the kids of course. My problem is I want him to see the kids MORE not less (ironic, so many men here fighting to have time with their kids and I am fighting for my H to have time with our kids...).
Does he love me? Cant tell Does he love the kids? yes, very much Do I love him? Honestly? I love him some still. But I am ready to live without him. He is not good for me. He brings me down.
I am NOT pulling the plug easily. Or too quickly. K
I'm reading along, sometimes from my cellphone when I can't respond well. I see you are afraid, angry/frustrated, impatient, not in control. You want to impose a 'deadline'. I also see you still love H and that he still loves you and the kids but there's a big disconnect. Deep down you really don't want separation and D but your words and actions appear to be pushing your H further away. His/your personality and emotional maturity are such that he does not read you the way you "expect" to be read and you and he have a lot of expectations and feelings that are not really being communicated. He walked away and keeps his distance because he does not have the skills to handle the 'sitch'.
I can tell you that holding a gun to your H's head - that's what the D and lawyer actions will do - will hurt him to the core and push him further away.
You wondered if I was 'agitated'. I'm actually very concerned about you and your state of being. I was afraid that all the "empathy" and "advice" you are getting may push you to do what you "feel" is "right" or take some sort of extreme "pointed position" in search of peace of mind.
I like the kind of womanly support you are getting from Ali (except I don't understand the Astrology). And do listen to what some of the men are saying too - perhaps that's more important than what the women are saying as far as connecting with and learning how to love your H.
You mentioned that you started to look at your spiritual side and that you believed in God. Perhaps this is something to explore much more because come to think of it we actually understand and control very little.
Hey.. yuo know what they say.. love conquers all ! After all is said and done, what else is there? Love is all there is... (ha ha, spoken like a true Moon in Leo in the 7th house of 1:1 R's ! - actually thats not funny, unless you have studied astrology for 2+ years ). Good luck.. did you read Priya for this weekend?
"Remember when we are dealing with the heart - thinking does no good. Perceptions have no place, nor any clue about the way the heart works. Right now it would be best if we followed the burning feeling we feel in the heart and see where it leads us to within ourselves. If we do the “work” right and not allow perceptions to fog our inner reality, Venus in Aries is teaching us to find and reconnect with an essential fire we felt long before heart break was experienced. As I have said before - the heart never breaks, only the ego does and then love is set free."
dearest kalni - tomorrow is going to be hard then ... I and many many others really hope that it brings positive things for you and your kids...and for your husband...
It goes without saying but i will take the liberty, on behalf of lots of DBers ...we are rooting for you and thinking of you and sending you hopes and best wishes...
M you have tried so very very hard - no one here is going to have anything other than admiration for your decisions...
) and I woke up in a better mood today. But I cant move very well, my back muscles are worse than yesterday. I used heat wraps at night but didnt help much, I think all the tension came out this way.
). Good luck.. did you read Priya for this weekend?