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Hi Kenn,

Today I am going through digital photos to put together a portfolio of my venetian plaster work for a customer and there are a lot of W & D photos.....I am wishing I could go back and fix everything and missing our life. I am not doing this to intentionally wallow, but they are all mixed in.

I am not ready to date, not until and if we actually divorce. Just trying to get out of the house when I have some free time.

I am looking at some 'Meet-up' groups nearby. Insofar as dating, I think if I just go out with the intention of just socializing, there will be no pressure and I can relax and be myself.

Glad you had a lot of time with your daughter. I know how special mine is to me.

W's cousin took W out to lunch to basically address what he sees as a lackadasical involvement with our D. I was afraid he would screw things up and say something that would implicate me, but it seems like that did not happen.

W took D to her brother's house yesterday. I texted to check if they arrived ok. I took a risk and said 'luv u'. She did not text 'luv u' back, but her tone was congenial.

I only take those risks when I see clear signs that she seems open. But I never try to push it too far.

She isn't seeing anyone yet.

BTW, how long have you and your W been seperated ?

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I am still reading along and am here to offer support. I understand that this must be extremely difficult for you especially when you have your D to think about as well.

As always, thanks so much for your support, MSM. It is appreciated more than you know.

I don't really know what to do at this point.

I did take a big step and offer to go with W to a counselling session where the purpose would be for her to express her anger at me. I promised not to justify myself, try to get her to see my pov, argue, etc. I would just hear her.

She hasn't replied to my offer yet, but I think that no matter what it will help her clear the air and lay the groundwork for her to move on or move back. Most of all, I don't want her life to be mired with anger and unhappiness and if she can rid herself of that and then finds happiness with someone else, I would be happy for her.

Well, native, keep doing what you have been doing. Personally, I would stop the i love you & checking to see if she arrived where ever ok. She is an adult & can take care of herself. Drop that rope. I know you care, she knows you care - but she became annoyed at you a few weeks ago for doing this. Granted, the hardest thing to do - is not to do what comes natural from the past.

If it wasn't for the fact that she was driving with my daughter, and it was wet and nasty out, I would not bother asking. I hear you though.

One thing I know about my W, in our R she did not pursue. Prior to us dating, she did pursue. So, I have concluded that if anyone is going to pursue reconcilliation it will need to be me.

Whenever we had arguements, I had to humble myself first and apologise before she could be ok.

Of course, I don't want to keep feeding her passivity in regards to us, but I am playing it by ear because I think too much distancing simply confirms the message that she already believes, ie: that I don't or can't love her the way she needs to be loved.

I definantly will not be checking up on her when she is by herself though. My biggest concern is in regards to my Daughter's health and safety. I can give my W the space to be a free agent if that is what she wants.

Well, it was just an observation. You know your W best. I hope she does take you up on your offer to for C & can move a bit out of her anger zone. Have a good day!!!

Hey Native,

So how are things? As far as your question a few psot back- muy wife and I have been seperated 5 months now. Seems like justa month or two. I may have done all the wrong things but as soon as she told me I saw lawyer, pushed for a seperation agreement to protect my time with my daughter. When it first happened she slowly started to text someone in another state where she had visited her best friend. It seemed like at first she was on the fence and I had a chance but the problems she listed were things I couldn't control (pay and schedlue) right away. Over the two months in the house whe had arguments about relationship and every time she drifted farther away. She drifted away toward the other guy for attention. I remember she looked at me one night and said I was in denial, then asked when I was going to move out. I said not until I have a seperation agreement giving me custody of my daughters 1/2 the time. Then the next day she called me from a lawyers office with questions and that afternoon came home with an agreement. :(o

The three months out of the house have been eye opening. Her relationship with this other guy has grown stronger I believe and her relationship with my daughter has gone deeper and deeper in the toilet.

Funny thing in my sitch is that my wife loves my duaghter to death but is so career, money and prestige obseeded that she is ignoring her and doens't see it.

So sad! Almost every game my daughter owns is now at my place because my wife will not play with her, my daughter told me the other day in the car that the time with me goes by so fast but time with mom goes really slow.

Well sorry to answer your simple question with an outpouring. I sometimes wonder if I had found this site and some of the information (books) whether things would have been different????

Glad you seem to be doing okay though. I think our daughters really help. Not sure which helps more - watching her have fun and spending time with her or knowing that I have someone who I need to protect and look out for?

I need to learn how to type better LOL!

Ps. I have to agree with MsM My wife hates it if I check up on her. She takes it as an insult that I don't think she can take care of herself. Also I can now recognize the type of stuff that Puppy and others talk about. She lost respect of me some time ago and it shows. I know I recoginized we wer having trouble in our relationship and I would cave in a lot of arguments. It's been worse since seperation until I knew I had a settlement. With me it was fear of losing my time with daughter made me fold to her. Maybe you shouldn't apologize so quickly next argument.

'Well, it was just an observation. You know your W best. I hope she does take you up on your offer to for C & can move a bit out of her anger zone. Have a good day!!!'

I am trying to moniter and observe and change my behavior accordingly. I think she was toying around with the idea that she might reconcile until Valintines day. The checking up on her, the guilt inducing message from our D, those things kind of drove her back.

What I don't understand is this: In a typical marriage, if the other spouse were going out whenever they wanted and you didn't know where they went or when they were coming back, and add to that the fact that you were left at home to care for the child, which the spouse was not sharing in ever,wouldn't you feel that was a problem ?

I just think it is common courtesy to tell your mate where you are going and when you plan to be back, or at least call occasionally and update them so they don't worry.

And I think that shared responsiblity for childcare is also a reasonable expectation from your spouse.

Some of her behavior can be explained by the fact she was already detaching from the marriage.

But my feeling is that in a healthy marriage, you share houshold things with your spouse, you volunteer where you are going in the evening and update as things change, and you do other things to show basic consideration and care.

So I would expect that from her if we were together again. I can't accept that she could be in a marriage and it was ok for her to come and go as she pleased, and leave me to wonder and take care of the kid.

I don't think that is too much to ask.

There....I feel better.