Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is the institution defunct?

Very good!

My H had a problem with impotency. It was not an every day problem, and he had it when I met him. I didn't care. I loved him, I married him, and when the sex was good, it was very good. And at the end, all of a sudden, he told me he never enjoyed it because he was always concerned about whether or not he could perform.

But that didn't stop him from "performing" with someone else.

I would have loved him, and stayed with him, regardless of whether or not we could ML. For me, the marriage and my life with him was a commitment that I chose. He also told me he did not think humans were meant to be monogamous (warning flag...one that I lovingly turned a blind eye to). That may be true, but I believe monogamy is a choice.

Divorce is so easy now, so socially acceptable. Gone are the days where people fought for each other. Now, spend a little money, and you can be rid of the spouse. You can become a Disney parent while pursuing other men/women, and instant gratification. If that R doesn't work, you dump them and on to the next.

I feel sorry for these people, because there is no lasting commitment. There is no stamina in fighting to be in love with the person you vowed to spend your life with. Did I question at times whether or not I loved my H? Sure. Especially when he was working nights and we didn't see each other that much. I could have very easily had an affair.

But I made a commitment to be there for him, NO MATTER WHAT. He is the one who broke that commitment. I have to live with the repercussions, as all of us do. They have just moved on, and although many of us try very hard, there is not much we can do.

Commitment, to me, comes from the heart. A piece of paper does not make one committed anymore. I was a WAS previously. But I tried first. My XH and I tried counseling, individual, marital, everything. And in the end, we parted, and although we don't always agree, have stayed friends for the sake of our child. My H did not even try. He just washed his hands one night, said that is that, and moved on.

I don't think there are soul mates either, and movies and television have put this picture perfect image in our heads of what marriage should be. When that doesn't work, media has instilled in us it is okay to walk away from our families, and that everyone will be much happier. And maybe we will. But first, many of us have to heal from the fallout.

Lola, I don't do the virtual huggy fluffy bunny thing, but I wish I could hug you right now.

Instead.

[applaude]

I was reading this morning about this. Japan is the lowest rate, why do you think that is ?????? Marriage is not defunct, accepting easy endings to marriage is what is fricked up beyond belief.


Ian

This kinda hit me between the eyes because it is the most concise explanation I have seen of what happened to me. I don't think I was ever complacent, and I did a lot of work on my marriage from the beginning...but I felt that I had a safety net in those vows, in our beliefs about God's role in binding spouses together, in the belief (which I thought we shared) about marriage being for life, and being a covenant rather than a contract. I thought those things would allow us to come out okay--and together--even if we floundered sometimes. Then my H's sister divorced her first H (who was at least verbally abusive, if not more), and my H's belief in marriage for life started to crack, and his longtime faith started taking hits about that time too, and the safety net fell apart.



I was almost 26, and H was 28, and we had been together for almost 7 years before we got married (we were college sweethearts). We thought we had done all of the right things...we waited long enough into our relationship to make sure marriage to each other was really right for each of us, we got plenty of premarital counseling (we belong to different churches, so we got extensive counseling from each, and welcomed it). We talked about everything we could think of beforehand, even the hard stuff. We didn't live together beforehand, and we both chose to make a gift of our virginity to each other on our wedding night (which was difficult, but I have never regretted it). I believe all of those things were good choices. But...I'm on this board anyway, wondering what happened to the person I married.



I think this is another of my big mistakes. I was 19 when H and I met, and I hadn't had a lot of other R's--and the longest I'd had before him was 2 months. After he started flaking out on me, almost 2 years ago now, I realized just how much of my life was tied to him. Almost all of my current friendships were established before I met him (most of the people I've met since were closer to him than to me, so they aren't talking to me at all now); many of the places where I used to spend time, I can't now because we always went there together; things like that.

I realized, during the slow and excruciating process of having him push me away, bit by bit, that it was actually true that (despite the way I was raised to be independent) I had failed to establish a core identity separate from his, and so when he walked away, it was like taking away one of the legs of a three-legged stool, so naturally I fell over. I'm now trying to build a new leg that doesn't depend on anyone else, so that I can stand tall on my own. I understand now that I need to fill in those pieces of myself that never got developed properly, no matter what happens with him. If he ever comes out of the MLC tunnel and wants to return, I need to have my act together so that I don't need to lean on him, and we can be together by choice rather than because of neediness.

And reconciling this with my long-term suicidal depression is SO much fun.


I believe in lifelong marriage. I believe in love that holds fast no matter what is thrown at it. I believe that when I spoke those vows, that was the absolute end of questioning whether I should be with this person or not. I also believe that spouses will be better off if they consciously choose each other every day, even believing that they are together for life.

I also believe that marriage can be pure he** at times, but if you stick to your guns, you can get through them.

I do think a lot of people get married too young. How many marriages that started when one of the parties was under, say, 23, actually lasts for life (and at least 25 years of M)? Quite frankly, I thought we were doing pretty well on age at the time, since most of our friends had started dating later than we did and were already married before us...but now I think maybe 30 would be a good age...too bad there's no chance of raising the marital minimum age requirement.

And finally, I am _completely_ ticked off that even though both parties have to give their consent in order to get married, one determined person can divorce their spouse no matter how much the spouse is opposed to the idea, even if the responding spouse has done nothing obviously objectionable (like abuse, adultery, etc.)! So...I can be divorced without my consent! That just burns me up!

<sigh> I was reading something about Tom Hanks today...about how he'd been M for about 7 years when he fell in love with a costar on one of his movies, had an A with her, D his first wife and M the OW...who he's still M to, 21 years later (that would be Rita Wilson). One of the comments posted in response to the article went on and on about how it was more "honest" to admit to his W that he was in love with someone else, D her and marry the OW. I've been at this too long to have steam coming out my ears the way it would have at first, but I thought about how nobody who had ever been through what all of us on this site have been through--unless they were enough of a putz to be currently putting someone else through it--would ever say something like that.

I think in the end it comes down to this: What kind of a person are you? Are you the kind of person who is about keeping your word, about doing what's right, no matter how hard it is? I believe that if two people with honor and integrity marry, they will beat the odds no matter what else happens along the way.

Peace,
Dawn

I think my cousin summed it up. He's been married for over 30 years.


What is ironic...I think..is at every bar mitzvah...every wedding...somewhere....an elderly couple gets introduced as being married for x number of years (x >30-50)...and they get a standing ovation.

Why?

Think.

Women will get a tear in their eye and everyone says to themselves ...wow....they really love each other. How many commercials have we seen where you seen the young couple holding hands and walking by the old couple...holding hands? Didn't we say...that will be me?

I believe that most of us probably just choose wrong...people put on masks, as is intimated in The New Earth. It takes energy to keep these masks on and, after a period, the mask comes off and two people are faced with.....themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is better to ask oneself questions instead of look for answers:
1) Why did I choose this person?
2) Did I miss some signs that there could be trouble with a longterm committment?
3) Where did I fail myself along the way and what do I need to do to course correct my path in life so that I stay on the right road?
4) How do I avoid repeating mistakes and what failsafe systems will I program into my automatic servo-mechanism to prevent this from happening again?
5) What do I need to do to replace self-blame and victimization with growth, acceptance and self-love?
6) Finally, have I learned enough to know that life is about change..involves risk..and will I have the courage to find love again if I so choose?

Then...if we are here for too long on this website..the biggest question is......why?

FIB

FIB
I think that all we see is the romance behind the couple still holding hands. We did not see the years of struggle they over came to get to this point. There were probably years that they did not hold hands. No marriage is perfect from start to finish. The ones that make it are the ones that endure. We can all get there but it takes work. People today want instant gratification. We live in a disposable society we throw everything away including marriage and family. We think we are enlightened but we have not learned the most basic lessons.