Thank you for the birthday wishes. My mother asked to call her and I told her not to. My reasoning is they way my W is being right now, I think its best if I just gave her space. If my mother were to call her, she would think that I had her call and for her to think that would be a bad thing right now.
Last night, nothing was said in regards to her behavior. She came downstairs for a minute, we had a few seconds of small talk and she went to bed.
This morning when I came downstairs she told me happy birthday. The kids gave me their gift and card and then she gave me a card. Then she had to go to pick up the cake (the kids are real big on birthdays right now). She had been cordial if not maybe friendly, but there's still an odd tension there.
I couldn't sleep last night. Too much bouncing around my head. But I finally decided that I will not accept divorce. I'm preparing myself for it and educating myself in it, but I will not accept it. She will do what she will, and I hope that I can change her mind. But, though this decision is hers, I have to look after my family (and that includes her)as I would in any crisis. If ultimately, her decision is to divorce, then I will have to adjust how I take care of my family. I don't think it will be easy and can make no promises that I won't be devastated, but I need to keep it together for my family's sake. I still have about 2.5 months to work with before she files. I'll have another 30+ after that before I have to do anything. From there, who knows...
But here is what I will not do...
I will not drag it out just to drag it out. I must act on reason and not emotion.
I will not become vindictive. Regardless of how I feel about what she is doing, she is still the mother of my children, and for that I will always love her. I must think before I act or speak. If I cannot think of anything non-seething to say, then perhaps I need to apologize and answer her another time.
I will not involve the kids anymore than they already will be by the process. Just as above, she is their mother and every child deserves to love their mother and their father. I will not involve them in any issues between her and I, even if those issues are about them.
I will take my life into my own hands and build back what I can when I can. I cannot be in rush to pull myself out of this financially. I must take my time and build it back the best my ability can afford at the time.
I'm not so sure anythings possible at this point. Did not have a good weekend and to be honest I have become extremely discouraged. Things just keep getting more and more bleak and she's pretty insistent on reminding me every chance she can that we are done without me even bringing it up.
I really can't take much more. I have held on for years and maybe it's time that I just come to terms with it. I think she's done and there's nothing I can do make her change her mind.
It is certainly reasonable to feel discouraged about the immediate future especially with her added comments. Remember that she is going through this too - I know it doesn't seem that way to you - but it is the truth. When my H and I were deciding the separation I just kept in my mind that neither of us wants things to turn out this way. How that affected me meant that I did the following: 1) let go of arguing about anything ( I either listened or agreed) 2) if it got uncomfortable, I asked for a break before continuing any discussion 3) I kept an open mind that things could be resolved (if not now then later and suggested working on it in MC) 4) I did 180's 24/7 (I wanted him to know I cared, was his friend and not the enemy) 5) I reminded myself that this could be a temporary situation (he wanted a D and I asked for the separation to allow time out for both of us to think without the other around) 6) I listened, sympathized with emotions (agreed it was hard, sad, didn't feel right, felt stuck, didn't like not being able to remedy things) 7) Helped him to pack up when he let me, and pick out furniture etc. Offered to manage bills we shared and send him notice his part when needed)
The results I saw were: 1) he was confused about the no arguing and at times agreeing 2) he didn't like the breaks and would threat to end the discussion instead, but he always came back to talk 3) instead of focusing on the negatives, I looked for ways to help us resolve things at a later point in time, took the pressure off the present 4) the 180's actually made me feel like a better person 5) again, this was a tension reliever for me - space allows freedom to explore options that we can't recover when emotional 6) joining him in emotions seemed to calm the waters, avoid the arguing, and allowed us to share in the experience instead of feeling isolated and rejected - it is hard to walk away from someone you have feelings for. 7) helping him was hard because he wouldn't allow it much - but I could see his reaction to kindness kept the door open
So, we did separate, the things I did kept us in contact and allow for progress daily. Things are not easy - he has serious issues to address without me - he is finally doing what I asked for 3 years and he is happy with himself for doing so. He can't wait to start working on our M when he has more success under his belt. For me, the process has allowed me to be forgiving and open instead of angry and isolated and withdrawn. I can see how I might completely cut him out of my life if I focused on the negatives. But they are only a portion of the R and that is the part most people don't recall when going through this part.
I hope giving you some specifics help to see how they will affect you and your R not just now but down the road. You may want to share your feelings with her without blame - like this-" this feels awful or sad for both of us" " I wish we didn't have to go this way, but I understand it is necessary for now"
Let me know what you think? Sooooo sorry for your hurt and fear. Hopefully things can be turned around at some point for both of you. Enjoy your kids, and family support. How's job hunting? That's got to be a mess at a time like this.
Actually last night and today she has been in a much better mood. I'm hoping maybe the medication is helping her mood.
However, I went to my psychiatrist today and he gave me more glum news. He seems to be in line with everyone else that I should accept her divorce and move on. He said this is too long to drag something out and I'm just prolonging the inevitable. He said that if she was depressed that could add to her feelings, but if she did not love me anymore than it was best for us both to move on.
Needless to say, I didn't set up another appointment. I'm going online to find another one tomorrow that is covered by my insurance.
{Please!!!! It is so unprofessional for a psychiatrist to voice an opinion like that. Find someone else!!! Don't accept what he/she said. That is their bias showing. I am shocked and amazed! Glad you had the sense to reject what was said and will search again. That person cannot help you. A helpful professional will focus on your goals regardless of what they think.
I know. I know. He did say that he cannot predict the future, but it seems to him...
See, the thing is, he doesn't know anything about my wife and I. I see him for ADHD (wasn't diagnosed until 34 yrs old!), and he has never once asked about anything other than how the medication was working. When I told him about the divorce last time he had no idea and started scrambling through his notes when I told him I brought it up a long time ago. Now this time he'd written it down so he asked me when I came in. So I told him what was going on, about my wife's medication, and about how I was planning on separating just to give the two of us a break from the situation. And he said that it might work, but three years is a long time to be strung along and I should consider relieving myself of this burden.
I told him about how I wanted to fight it and I told him that I really could not see how this divorce can benefit any of us. He said that "if she doesn't love you anymore, then being out from under it would benefit the two of you. I can't see any reason to stay together if she doesn't love you."
He wrote me my Rx for the AADHD and when I left I paid my bill and told them I would have to call back to set my net appointment.
In my opinion, if anyone should know, a psychiatrist should know, that love is subjective and cannot be defined as either you do or you don't. Besides, I never said she didn't love me, I said that she told me that she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me. Those are two completely different statements. If I know it, he definately should.
Anyway, enough about that guy.
Last night, I came to a conclusion: My wife and I have been extremely close for nearly 19 years (we both just turned 35). We were best friends for the first ten, and have been married for the past 8+. We have shared in everything and have been closer than I have ever been with anyone else in my life. We have been a staple in one another's life for over half of our lives. I refuse to let that go without a fight. I am aware that this may not work out as I want it to, but if I give up now, I will never know. In my post yesterday, I was whining about the fact that it has been three years going (with that short break from November to Feb). However, I've reversed that thought...if we have hung in there for three years, there has to be a reason and to be so close to actually turning our lives around financially, to stop now (after coming this far and this long) would be like running a marathon and then quitting ten feet before the finish line.
I'm recharged and ready to fight.
Also, I've done a ton of thinking and soul searching over the past couple days and I figured something out that I think is vital.
Though my wife and I (with the exception of the past three years) have been extremely close, we NEVER COMMUNICATED properly. When we were friends, that dynamic worked. When we changed the dynamic of the relationship, we didn't change our communication and it damaged the marriage. Every problem and issue that we have all goes back to poor communication.
See, we have always gone very much out of our way to avoid conflict with one another. We did everything in our power to not "hurt" one another and ennded up hurting the marriage in the long run. She would throw out hints here and there, but I didn't see them for what they were and just did what she was asking without ever considering what was behind what she was saying. On the other end, I didn't throw out hints, I'd just shut up and deal with whatever it was she was doing/saying that I disagreed with. Eventually, it just went away...but it didn't. It manifested later in other issues, except those issues were now larger and harder to control. Eventually, when things got too big, the dam broke and everything came pouring out at once and foolishly we tried to tackle all of them at once.
Good insight, and good for you that you are able to turn things around mentally from negative to positive. That's very important here and you are very right. You must try as long as you want it to work so that you know you have gone the extra mile. Give her time, maybe she is tired, looking for something that doesn't exist, etc. She just wants to escape, love her and let her have it if you can. Keep being the person you are - she fell in love with you a long time ago, she cares, she has stayed, she is depressed, always a sign that one is off track, she has to find her track again. People often find that they let M change them instead of looking for compromises that will allow everyone to maintain a part of themselves and still pursue what they want.
You are doing well my friend. Hang in there like you do. I will be here to support you.
I'm surrounded by a lot of negativity from all directions. Everyone seems to be telling me to give up. It starts to wear on you after awhile and you begin to think everyone else's logic must be better than your own.
I picked up a book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce", which is a 25 year study of the effects of divorce on children into adulthood.
I have agreed with a lot of what you said. I really think that a separation would be the best route. My only concern there is that, while she cannot stop me from leaving, she can get angry and push the divorce through. After all, she gave me the 90 days to get myself together, get a job, etc. If I'm jumping off now, she may question the need for the 90 days. However, if I tell her that I want to separate to try to fix the marriage she will go into defensive mode and list all the reasons why it can't be fixed.
My plan is to tell her that I want to separate because I need to get my head together and make some changes in myself before the divorce. These are changes that I need to make regardless of the decision to divorce, but they are changes that I cannot work on living here.
I'm going to pay her child support (just as I will post divorce) and request that we arrange time with the kids just as she has layed out in her divorce papers (which was supposed to be sent to me to look over, not to sign, but so far I haven't seen). I'll approach her with this middle of next week and will leave on Sunday. That way we have a couple days to figure out what to tell the kids and how before I go.
After Sunday, I go dark. The only communication will be in concern of the kids and financial issues that may arise. At least for the first month. That is going to be hard, but I have to stand my ground.
Then I think after 30 days I'll take stock in the general vibe and if everything seems okay, I may send her that letter or I may try to meet up with her somewhere without the kids and just talk about where things stand.
Your reasoning is sound. If she should react as you say is there any other options you can think of. You cannot control another person's reactions other than to do what you know is helpful knowing the person. She can file, start it and do whatever she wants as she already has shown you she can do. But... she has also listened to you, is working on doing what works, just as you are, and it is working. Going dark is hard with kids - you have to have firm boundaries with that sitch. Plan your responses in advance if you can so you are practiced when the alt calls come - or the topic drifts.
