Jak and Friends, The spiral staircase represents our climb towards happiness, and we must battle the "devil on the staircase." It is described in a poem by T.S. Eliot called Ash-Wednesday, if you want to look into it. I'm reading a spiritual autobiography called the Spiral Staircase by Karen Armstrong.
Things continue to be stable. There has been no sign of my W's dance friend this past week. My W says that he helps her to realize how difficult it is to be around someone who is verbally abusive, irritable, short-tempered, irresponsible, impulsive. She has been on good behavior since she returned from her Puerto Rico trip with him. She said that he was a terrible travelling companion.
She wants to travel back to PR with me in January. I told her as long as there's a plan to pay for it. It's only a three hour flight from Ohio. We could probably fly and stay for a week for around 2K (much less than Hawaii last year).
I'm planning on joining her at times at her latin dance venues. The difference this time is that I'll also have my ballroom venues for diversity, instead of relying on one type of venue to meet my dance needs. I'm responsible for my own dance needs, and partner with her as my choice, versus in the past being overly dependent and loyal to her. I think having my own growing network of ladies raises her level of respect for me.
When I came home on Thursday, she was frazzled by spending a day with the dog. He acts like a dog, and barks at the school children walking by the house. He barks when he's outside, for us to come out and play with him. My W can only take him in small doses.
She wanted me to drive her to her salsa venue. I didn't want to go, and want to break the pattern of being her chauffer. I wasn't in a state of mind to have a good time so told her no. She wasn't happy about it, but didn't argue. My intention isn't to be mean, but to value my time. She ended-up having a great time on her own, I would have been crabby and not a good partner for the trip.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, I continue to journal almost daily. It seems to be the antidote to any negativity and reactivity. I use the book, The New Diary, by Tristine Rainer as a guide. My themes in the diary are my personal struggles towards happiness, love, connection, and self-expression. I no longer simply describe in a reactive way what my W does, but how it affects me and how I struggle to achieve detachment.
My therapist predicted that he didn't think the M would last. I countered him, (which I don't usually do), that the outcome of the M was not my focus, but my efforts towards the aforementioned attributes. He retracted his statement.
I requested a week off in January to go to Puerto Rico with my W. She seems invested in wanting to travel with me, so I consented. It's also not a terribly expensive trip (about 2K).
We're still mostly roommates, though friendly ones. I try to be grateful for whatever she is willing to contribute. She spends a lot of time playing internet games, but I withhold judgment. She is entitled to spend her free time as she wishes.
I let her know my dance schedule, but we continue to dance in separate communities.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak and Friends, I went to my own ballroom venue last night, but joined-up with my W afterwards. She didn't join me as she is intimidated by ballroom, and hasn't developed a network. She probably would not have had a good time. I had a great time.
I felt initially guilty for not joining her for her evening, but felt good about joining her afterwards. She went by herself to a local cultural festival. I met with her later in the evening at her latin venue. We danced several dances together. I got to renew some old acquaintances, and danced with two other ladies from my old network. I'm more comfortable with and enjoy the diversity of ballroom versus the consistent energy of latin dancing. I'll let my W determine to what extent she wants to move into ballroom and swing dancing, and pursue what I enjoy on my own or she can choose to join me, if she behaves herself. My W seemed appreciative that I came. We chatted at home afterwards.
Her friend left early, as he complained that he wasn't dancing enough. I wonder to what extent, my presence played a role. My W says that he's a disrespectful dancer, and uses the lady to show off difficult moves that he's not prepared to do on the floor.
She asked me to take her out for her birthday on 9/29. She's afraid that her friend will back out at the last minute. I agreed.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL. You sure seem to be doing a good job of taking care of yourself. You wife seems to be pursuing you, but you are staying detached. I am glad you agreed to take her out for her birthday. Hope you will be glad, too!!!
I am glad Dancing with the Stars is back on. I enjoy watching it and always imagine YOU being one of the dancers.
It is Funny Cl to see that you have developed the network of people in the community and that W hasn't even though she is so into the dance. You have certainly come a long way. Im'e glad too that you are escorting W out on her Birthday.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 09/24/0903:20 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak and Matilda, I'm beginning to imagine myself being capable of being on "Dancing with the Stars." I'm better than at least half of the celebrities on the show. I'm also beginning to imagine myself being in a ballroom competition.
I went to a latin venue last night with my W. I'm enjoying the diversity of ballroom and latin dancing, and spending an evening practicing salsa and cha cha. My presence was needed, and I was busy for the two hours I was there. I joined her afterwards for a bite to eat.
She posted on Facebook that she was feeling peaceful listening to the rain, and that she was pondering comments a client of hers made about life and peace of mind. She seems to be trying to create happiness for herself.
I brought home an article from work about the connection between insomnis and psychiatric problems (anxiety, depression, bipolar, ADD). It gave an overview of the state of the art medications for insomnia, lifestyle tips such as eliminating or reducing caffeine and nicotine, and ruling-out sleep apnea. She continues to struggle with establishing a regular sleep schedule.
I think I'm getting better at detachment and acceptance. I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness. I'm making better choices about how to spend my time. I've learned to not spend time with my W out of obligation, but because it works, and that sometimes it's best to pursue one's own activites. I've also learned to accept that she has psychiatric problems (depression, anxiety, mood swings). This is not her fault. Her poor choices at coping are poor judgment (nicotine, alcohol). She drinks alcohol like it's water.
She got upset with me the other day, because she went to turn on the stereo to play some music and it wasn't plugged in. I unplug it whenever my dog is going to be left alone in the house. I don't want to worry about him chewing the electrical cord, and coming home to find him dead. She said that it's unfair that I do that to her. I told her that she was overreacting, and went to plug it in for her. The difference is that I in the past I would have plugged it in for her and tolerated her remarks without saying anything. This time, I provided a brief description of her behavior. She said that she would consider my comment.
I'm thinking about visiting a neighborhood church that is close enough to walk to. It's a denomination that seems like it would be a good fit for me. I downloaded several of the minister's sermons, and they match the level of open mindedness that I need in a church to explore ideas and concepts. I was a member of a church for about twelve years during my thirties to mid-40's. I left to join a meditation group and study more on my own. I'm feeling the need for community again, and want to find a neighborhood church this time, instead of driving 25 minutes like I used to. I took a quiz and the denomination at the neighborhood church came in third, the church in the city I belonged to came in second, and the meditation group was first. I think I'm on the right track.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hiya CL...it's been awhile since I hopped on the boards, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see you back here, and maintaining boundaries! I think I need to take a few lessons from ya.
I was listening recently to a book about giving and receiving criticism, and the point was brought up that to receive criticism in a healthy way, we have to be able to put our ego away and consider the criticism on its own merits and then decide whether it's valid or not, and whether we want to do anything about it or not. You're doing that. Awesome.
Good luck with your continuing progress. I'm so glad for you.
I was listening recently to a book about giving and receiving criticism, and the point was brought up that to receive criticism in a healthy way, we have to be able to put our ego away and consider the criticism on its own merits and then decide whether it's valid or not, and whether we want to do anything about it or not. You're doing that. Awesome.
Aud
Aud, How lovely to hear from you. You've picked a good book to listen to--wise advice. I hope you'll be visiting more often.
I'm taking my W out for her birthday tonight. I haven't sat in a restaurant with her in months. I know it will go well, and it's fine if it's less than perfect. I'm going with a good heart and good intentions.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
