Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers RE-POST HUSBAND NO LONGER LOVES ME

Hey Regrets,

Sleeping is good medicine. And yes visualize a great future with H. No one can tell you exactly where to start, except with the PMA, 180's, and GAL. I understand why you didn't want to go out with old friends. It is hard having to explain to everyone what is going on especially when you are receiving such uncertainty. He doesn't want to be there but he is going to counseling. So don't explain it to people. If they ask, just say things are fine. If they already know, just say you would rather not talk about it. Personally, I just sort of stopped talking to most of my family and friends most of the time until I had other things on my mind that I could talk about.

It is hard not to react to how we percieve them to act. I think that is one of my biggest hurdles. And my H does the same thing to me. I have actually gotten to where I have said to him, I wish you would listen to my words instead of assuming you have a clue what I'm trying to say. Or why I'm saying it. I think that is partially projection of your own feelings onto the other person. Now for the most part, I do my best to hear his words as he says them not how I hear them and without my own personal definitions attatched to them. If I'm really uncertain as to what he means about something, I ask him to explain it better. It just keeps me from overreacting and getting unnecessarily angry. Additionally, if I ask him to do something, I just assume if he says he will, no matter how grumpy he sounds that he will do it. And leave it at that.

Don't get yourself into the habit of apologizing for everything that you do, say, or think. Try not to be cranky but know that just as he is entitled to his feelings, you are entitled to yours. And right now they are not the same.

My H too went from one day being normal to dropping the bomb and being a jerk. There was a lot leading up to it but that seemed like more normal marital stuff and the bomb was very unexpected. So I understand how you feel. I even asked him, how could you ML to me last night and do this tonight. No answer. They just feel what they feel and that is what happens. That is why I thought of MLC for you. With WAS, they seem to sort of have a progression of changing and distancing prior to the bomb. With depression and MLC it is more like an actual bomb that just blows your whole world apart. And it is sort of amazing but they totally expect that you aren't going to be upset by it. When they realize that you are, that they have hurt you, well that is when they sort of start thinking. But it takes a lot of time for them to get there. I know, this is something you want fixed but anyone dealing with this who has come through to the other side will tell you that if they don't resolve their issues, all you will get is a bandaid and the next time will be worse. So as hard as it sounds, you have to allow him to deal with his stuff.

How long was he married to his first wife if I may ask? I will share what seems to help a lot of people here, not that this is a religious based site, is prayer and church of some sort.

Thank you Kel. He was married 8 years separated after 6 I think.

I still think MLC, he is very aware of how much I'm hurting and said it is killing him that he is doing it. He seems happy when not with me. I really didn't know he had problems letting his feelings out. I just get desperate and its awful. I'm sad that his mum hasn't called me but I understand.


I'm worried he'll go meet someone else. I'm going to tell him that staying out all night is not on.

I have been praying but feel guilty as I don't go to church.

Does you H ever tell you he loves you since it happened.

Right, I need to pack in the fags and clean this room up. It's a pig-sty.

No one has died, there is still hope.

I am special and I deserve to be loved

No he has stopped telling me he loves me but I also stopped telling him because that is pressure. But his actions have shown me differently. Not sex. Just some of the things he has done, things I always wanted him to do, that he didn't or he resisted because he felt like I was treating him like a child (that was the last thing). It hurts. I hear in his voice sometimes that tone that he would get when he used to say it, almost like he wants to, but I know he is scared. We have had so many ups and downs over the years. One of the first things he told me was that he was afraid it would get good again just to get bad later. This pain is horrible and I wouldn't want that to happen either. Not fooling myself that there wouldn't be issues but we have done this, not resolved it completly and we are here again. For me and for him, I had to drop the rope this time. I have to let him do what he is doing and if I'm here when he is ready then that is wonderful. If I'm not well then I'm not. Recently he did ask me what if either of our hearts go somewhere else. I told him what if they come back and I told him that is what he is afraid of. I also, because it was the right time, took the opportunity to tell him some things I actually thought about our R and he didn't argue for a change. Until then, he had been telling me that he had no hope, that there was no hope. He didn't say that this time. Whether that means he is just not telling me no hope or that means that maybe he is realizing that a part of him hasn't left yet, I don't know. I can't worry about it. I like me now. I like being and living and I even like feeling even though it isn't always good feeling. I like being unafraid anymore. I like being able to tell him what I think and feel. I like not worrying about what he is doing or where he is going. I just like it. My life is much less stressful even with all of this if you can believe that.

Don't feel guilty about not going to church. I am not a church goer either but I do have a tremendous faith. I also believe very much what they say about lessons and we keep repeating things until we learn them. If we don't learn them in this life, we will repeat in another incarnation.

Also, if he meets someone else, well that is a chance. It is always a chance even when you are happy. Try not to let that thought dominate your feelings. I know it's hard. I've been through that more times than you know. I was always afraid he would and then eventually it happened. And he didn't go anywhere. So...

One word of warning, if you want to place a boundary, be ready for the consequences. As disrespectful as it is him staying out all night, he may choose to leave if you place that boundary too soon. He could see it as you trying to control him. So just be prepared that he might leave if you say that before you do it.

Kel you are taking so much time to post to me. I really appreciate it. Why can't your H see what he has in you? Or does he and that's what is confusing him? who knows.

I'm reading everything I can and everything is saying men need to feel appreciated, loved, shown love, given sex. We did all that. Always, is it boredom? does he want a challenge? I really don't know.

I cant get through to the telephone consults but to be honest, I'm reading so much and talking to people that maybe I should just do nothing.

I've spent a fortune.

I was trying to think of nice things I did for H. Not much apart from buying him small gifts, sometimes going to bank for him and doing washing. We always told each other we loved one another, he knows I think he is gorgeous and sexy and intelligent. He keeps telling me not to put myself down because it's not true. So confused.

A week before this happened, we were at his mum's and he said something about how he did everything but in a joke way which is his way. Maybe there was more to it. Maybe with selling up and all the house stuff I just pressured, pressured, pressured, He is quite frustrating because doesn't do stuff yet everything is in him name so when I call for insurance etc, they need to speak to him.

I'm blaming myself again. If I could just sit tight til Thursday.

I still have hope, I'm going to get us through this.

I'll say a prayer for you Kel. God probably thinks I'm a selfish cow, He'll be like, oh yes you that calls when you're in trouble lol.

No God doesn't think that. We all call when we are in trouble. LOL.

I am a word person so it doesn't take me much to write a novel. But I am going to get of the puter in a few and start getting on with my day. The last couple I've had a sort of bug so I've just been chilling. And occupying my time on here. Not that I don't like posting but I am in and out anymore most of the time...

You will go through the blaming. You will. Thank you for the prayers. My list is so long anymore but that is good in a way.

My H, well he does see it most of the time. Nothing makes sense in MLC. He knows and he will come around or he won't. Not really my problem anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh or like I don't care. I care, but I care more about him just being healthy than anything else and he isn't right now. He is getting there though. He is doing what he needs for him and I may not like it but it isn't up to me.

So gotta go now. Will check in later probably. Or tomorrow morning just depending on how the day goes.

Smile and breath that is so importnat.

Regrets, don't beat yourself up. God is here for everyone, he forgives, he is perfect. We don't have to be perfect because He is.

All of our S's have a great person that loves them. They are in a blinding fog and things aren't as they seem for them. My H's OW is the complete opposite of me, and H has told me that I am so much better than she. My H also has told me that he never meant to hurt me. That doesn't mean he has worked through it all. He is very confused still and has a lot of work left to do.

When this first started in August, before I even read DR, he told me to stop saying I love you, because it felt forced. We used to say it every time we talked on the phone or were leaving. He had said it to me 3 times before a month ago. I would say it back when he did, but I didn't want to push him away. He finally said 3 weeks ago, why don't you say ILY anymore. I told him because you told me not to. He doesn't remember saying it. He now says it to me when we talk on the phone again and when we leave, and I respond and sometimes I say it first now too.

They don't set out to cause us or anyone pain, they are trying to ease their pain, and they don't know how to do that. They assume that you are the cause of their problems, because they are around you the most. Their are a lot of things they have to work through, before they will see you differently. Hopefully they will.

Just work on you Regrets, that is all you can do. There is nothing you can do for your H to make him change his mind right now. He has to come through this on his own no matter how much it hurts you to see them hurt, you can't fix them.

Thanks Kel and MT. I haven't said I love you to him. It's too upsetting if he doesn't say it back.

I was reading someone's thread who kept saying their W wouldn't cheat and she denied it all along. Then he found out.

I really do trust my husband. He is on his phone much more but he has an internet one and keeps saying he is on that. Plus he is in every night.

Right PMA

Thank you both so much.

Don't know what I'd do without you both.

You don't want to say ILY. I just wanted to let you know that it can come back. And a lot of what they say they won't remember. It is just part of it, I have come to learn. It is all a learning process. The more you do it the better you will get.

I feel stronger already. Feel grown up. Like I've faced the music. Or maybe that the worst is behind me.

You'll all think me crazy but a friend of a friend is a spiritualist medium and she just gave me a reading. She described my grand parents to a T and said they can all hear my prayers. Said that I was a very strong person and people around me love me and everyone is looking out for me.

She said a miracle is about to happen and I have a wish to make but to be careful what I wish for. She said that I have to stay positive and not shut the door on love. She didn't know if that meant H was soul mate or I would meet another.

I know people don't believe but I needed to hear it. I do believe. My grandpa has wrapped me up in a big bubble and protecting me.

I feel stronger. Everyone in Haven is looking out for me.

And she knew I had two cats HA so there, it's true. he he he


Right, off to have a shower so H actually thinks I've left the house in 3 weeks :-)
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