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Hi DrHemlock,

You are not being played for a fool, you are in the same situation as lots of us. Your W sounds a lot like mine.

I think a lot of the strangeness you are seeing from your W is directly tied to the EA. It all goes together. My W has been doing exactly the same thing. The more intense the EA got, the more she would talk about wanting to coparent. She never used that word, but she would talk about divorced couples she knows who still are great friends and still raise the kids as a family, etc. She is under the influence of the EA drug and is being pulled in by it, but does not want to go through the pain of a divorce. She is therefore trying to find a way to have it all - freedom to pursue the EA (and the excitement that goes along with it) while avoiding the pain.

I feel like you do. I would never be able to do it. If we were to get Divorced, I would want to grieve and move on - not stay attached as a family and try to lie to the kids to convince them we are still "married". I would want to fight for my kids (joint custody at least), raise them as best as I could, and move on with my own romantic and personal life.

Most of the other stuff you have said about not wanting to go go MC, not wanting to work on the R, etc seems to all be part of the scrip for an EA. It sounds exactly like my W.

I think my Sitch is slowly getting better as my W slowly moves on from the EA, but she is hanging on to it as tightly as she can and it is preventing us from moving forward as a couple. In the meantime, do as everyone here is suggesting - focus on yourself. I know it is hard. It is really hard for me to, as we also still live together (which is a GOOD thing!) but every time I hear or see her or feel her moving next to me in bed (we still sleep together but no ML) I get sucked right back in to focusing on her.

Keep focusing on yourself, solving your own problems, fighting your own demons, and fulfilling your own life. Be happy and positive and try to detach that from your situation with your M. It gets easier.

Thanks, Thinker. You're right about how hard it is to focus on yourself, but I've taken some action on the GAL paradigm. I'm trying to stay out of the "this is so unfair" mindset, but... damn, this is so unfair!

Yes, I have the same thoughts all the time. In particular when I catch some of the things that she says / thinks about OM - I think to myself "I do that! I am that! - this is ridiculous and unfair! why is she focused on him and giving him credit for that when I am right here and saying and doing the same thing (plus more!)!" This is all of course trying to apply our own "rational" standards and judgments to an irrational situation, and is worthless. Just keep telling yourself "Control is an illusion - let go" and "I'll be OK no matter what the outcome"

How was your MC? When we were still going it was difficult, because my W would want me to go first, I would pour out my heart or say how I was feeling, and then when her turn came, she would shrug her shoulders and say "I don't know" In reality, she was thinking "I just want to run away from this whole situation and live in the fantasy I have created around EA and OM" but of course she would never say that. Needless to say, it did not go anywhere.

Now if and when we go, I try not to say anything - just to listen. She in turn does not want to say anything, and it just ends up being an uncomfortable pressure cooker. I have decided (backed up by our C) that it does not make sense for us to go any more until if and when my W decides she would like to work on the M.

Hi Doc,

You can look under the Forum List and it is almost down to the bottom of the page, you will find the Abbreviations Demystified. Not that all those abbreviations are used, but it will help you to get started.


Sandi

Thinker: As I wrote up-thread MC Session #1 was uncomfortable. MC started by observing how distant we were by our body language. W spent the entire session with arms crossed, wouldn't look at me. I tried to affirm her comments during her time by nodding, agreeing when MC asked me my point of view (if I agreed w/ what W said) and to present my own POV when I thought W misrepresented some important things. @ the end of the session W agreed to Session #2 only by gritting her teeth. MC was very clear that, at the end of process -- which could have been Session #1, could be Session #2, could be session #100 -- D will still be the answer. Okay. What else can you do?

W just came in to tell me that she's leaving for work. "Okay, enjoy your day." I going to work HARD starting today on disengaging. I set up a folder in my email client and a processing rule so that all her emails -- not that she sends many/any anymore -- go to the folder and I don't have to be confronted with them "right there." I'm not going to call. Honestly I'm not even sure if I will answer her calls (not that she calls anymore). If she calls she can leave a voice message.

?????

I'm disengaging, right? Not showing emotions, not reacting, not looking all puppy dog. Just business-like. Yes, no, got it.

So what's with this --> "Hey, what's with the cold shoulder?"

WHAT???? What's with the cold shoulder, are you kidding me?????

She wants you to be OK with her decision. She doesn't want to have to suffer. She wants to be let off the hook. She can read your anger, whether you are trying to show it or not.

You don't have to do anything, but the best thing you can do is keep your cool. Go visit a friend or something to break up the time with her. Let her see you less so that you can do some emoting on your own.

Lucky

Lucky -- I'm the primary child care person, so I can't avoid the house.

Another ????? What is THIS supposed to be all about?

In MC Session #1, among the bible-sized compendium of my flaws, failures, irritations, and general shortcomings (C said, "As I listen to you, I notice you haven't said a single affirmative thing about H") was the fact that I'm not a "true partner" or an 'equal.' She doesn't want anyone "needy." {Probably why she has OM, who is independently wealthy, successful businessman, etc.}

Because my job doesn't require a wardrobe, and because it can be done on "my time" (including from home), I have historically done most of the daily odds-and-ends, including dropping off/picking up W's dry-cleaning (her job DOES require wardrobe and requires time beyond the cleaners' operating hours).

How do I deal with this contradiction? On the one hand, I'm supposed to do these "little services" but on the other doing the little services has made me repellent to W.

So today I get, "Can you do me a favor and pick up my dry cleaning?"

So where's my choice? Say "no" to establish boundaries and be accused of being an a** or deliberately difficult by "just trying to make everything as hard as it can be" (a favorite), or say "yes" because I've done it all along but would therefore still be less of a partner?

Remember, detaching is not about being unavailable or unpleasant - it is about changing your attitude so that you no longer really care if she calls (or at least are not upset if she doesn't call.

I'm having a hard time advising you on this. I'm feeling very sorry for you and I think that your wife is lost right now. I'm afraid that I am going to speak from anger and give you the absolute wrong advice. I don't want to harm you any more than you already are or make your situation worse.

I'm hoping that someone who is better in these crisis moments will chime in. I'll keep reading so that I can learn as well.

I'll stay with your situation, Dr. H.

Lucky