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Yes, PDT, it helps immensely!!

I know he is going to question me on how I know, and I must remember not to back down and spill the beans.

Yes, matter of fact attitude is good.

And I know he will want to drag it out and make nice nice so that he won't feel so terrible about himself. (That's a big problem for him).

This is going to be hard but I think I can do it.

Wish me luck. Hopefully he will agree to talking tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

I am sooooooo nervous!!

My stomach is in knots and I feel very uptight.....

Planning to talk to H tonight.

I'm not a good talker. I know what I want to say but it usually goes down the drain when I get in the sitch.

Please think good thougts for me tonight, it's going to be really hard.....

Hope all goes well for you tonight...

yeah, let us know!!! I had to practice mine, out loud, alone in my office for like two hours.

Yes, I did a lot of practicing and it paid off!!!

Sorry this is so long, but hopefully it's an easy read.

Before I tell you the convo I have to say that it is really ironic that before our talk he told me that he rented Fireproof the previous night. !!!! I have been praying for a long time that he would watch that. I couldn't believe that the night that I decide to have this talk, he tells me this. He said that it had a really good message.....I know that God has been answering my prayers and perhaps he is even timing it perfectly for me!

Here is how it went:

Me: So, you moved out 8 months ago, said you were confused and you needed to clear your head.

H: OK

Me: H, I want you to know that I know you are having an intimate relationship with OW.

H: OK

Me: It doesn't matter how I know, I just know. And I don't think that this is helping to clear your head.

H: OK

Me: Your actions are not honoralble.

H: OK

They are not acceptable for a married man.

H: OK

Me: This deceit is incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage. (Thanks for that one, PDT)

H: OK

Me: I still love you H, but I am done. I am done enabling your actions, I am done being your friend. Because even friends don't treat each other like this. I'm done being your friend - I don't want you to call me and I don't want to talk to you.

H: OK

Me: And that's all I have to say. (10 sec silence) Would you like your tea to go? (When he got there, he asked me to make him tea and I got kind of irritated, but I made it anyway)

H: No, I will finish it.

Silence for about a minute as we drink our tea and I don't look at him.

H: I don't really have anything to say.

(I just raise my eyebrows)

H: I mean, I still think about you and I'm still confused.
What do you think I should do?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I was pretty speechless)

Me: H, I can't tell you what to do, you have to make decisions on your own. But I can tell you that I am not going to live with a 3rd person in our M. Right now our M may be only on a friendship level, but we're still married. And I will not live with a 3rd person in our M. (Thanks again, PDT)

I think that was pretty much it - he told me he would drop off a plate of mine that he has tomorrow. He left.

So I get on the phone with my girlfriend to fill her in. About 5-10 minutes later, the doorbell rings, and it's him with the plate.

H: Here's your plate and do you want the keys to the house and garage door opener? Because it seems like that's what you want.

Me: Yes, fine.

(H is standing in the doorway, trying to get the keys off the ring.)

H: Can I come in?

Me: Fine.

H: So what's going on? I don't know what's going on.

Me: I just told you what's going on. You are having an affair, I don't want to talk to you. Would you want to talk to your wife who was having an affair?

H: Well, maybe.

Me: Oh come on! (He in the past has been VERY jealous and dumped his previous fiancee when he got info that she let another guy pay attention to her - I can't remember if he kissed her) H, I am not going to make this a long drawn out conversation.

H: I just don't know what's going on, because I don't want to come back and be in the same situation I was before.

Me (calmly): We already talked about that.

H: When??

Me: When we were at dinner that one night I told you if we ever got back together it would have to be completely different and you agreed. We'd have to go to counseling.

H: I know I haven't been happy lately, and I think you know that. I'm not happy. I don't know what to do.

Me: I know you think I am crazy, but there is only one thing that can make you happy - God.

H: I never said you were crazy.

Me: Don't you agree that what you're doing is incredibly disrespectful?

H: Yes, I agree. Then I will have to have to take care of that.

(????)

Then he went to leave again, but didn't have his keys to the garage so had to come back again to unlock the door to the garage. I told him to lock the door from the inside when he leaves and shut the garage door - to which he said "I can't" and I realized "Duh"

This is the only point in the night that I think I messed up - I was frustrated b/c I just wanted to get him out of the house. I looked exasperated and he said "Should I just keep the keys and the opener?" To which I said "Fine"

As he was putting the keys back on the ring he was chuckling and said "This is so messed up"

Me: What are you laughing about? There's nothing to laugh about.

H: Sorry, it's just so messed up.

I walked into the other room. I turned around and he was walking towards me with tears in his eyes and he went to hug me. He started crying and he hugged me for about 30 sec, crying all the while. I didn't cry and I didn't say anything. He whispered "I'm sorry" and I didn't respond. He let go of me, turned away, and left.

All in all, I think it went well and I think I did good.

I don't know what's going to happen now but I'm glad I stood up for myself.

If he decides he wants to work on our M, I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I can get over his PA. It is so awful to think of. I am sure others know where I am coming from.

And what if he does call me up and tell me that he's done with OW and wants to work on our M? What do I say then??? Ok, let's go??? Do I tell him he needs to sort things out on his own first???

I just don't know. I suppose I shouldn't worry as it may never happen but I want to be ready if he does approach me. Any advice?

Belle,

There will be plenty of time to think about those questions later, and to come up with answers and solutions for you. Now is the time for you to sit back and relax and enjoy the afterglow OF A JOB WELL DONE.

That was INCREDIBLE.

Calm, cool, detached, civil. I was going to give you a "B+" because you let him draw you back into some R talk in the middle, but the way you closed it back out at the end and re-took control was fantastic, so let' make that an "A-."

Here's another line you'll like, and TRUST me, you'll have a chance to use it very soon, perhaps even today:

The next time he asks you what he should do?, (by the way, that is VERY much "script"), say:

"This is your mess -- you have to clean it up." (or " . . . you get to clean it up.")

Don't get into any more R talks with him right now, and DON'T do the "Don't you think that's disrespectful?" thing. Remember, "You can't teach an adulterer." Little TRUTH DARTS, well-timed and landed, are the most you can hope for at this stage.

By the way, this stage is CRITICAL. Don't go all "melty-woman" (I was sooooo glad to see that you didn't!), and DON'T pursue him.

Don't try to fix his issues for him, nor even shelter or cushion him from the consequences of his infidelity.

Do not judge him by ANY words that he says to you; only judge him by his ACTIONS, over time.

When his actions align with his words, over time, you will know that what you are getting from him is the truth. I suspect he's still at least a couple of months away from being ready for that, although I never discount what God can do.

So rest, Belle. Savor your newfound strength, courage and determination. Know Who was the Source of it, and thank Him today. Learn the fine art of the "I'm not sure about that, I'll get back to you" response, and use it for as many days -- or even weeks -- as you have to.

You don't have to decide anything today.

So incredibly proud of you; that was NOT easy, I know.

Puppy

Thanks PDT!!!

I will sit back and savor my newfound strength. You are so right when you say that it comes from God.

I will remember those lines (I like the mess one) and will use them when necessary.

I am the type of person who likes to fix things for him - that was one of the reasons that we grew apart - I was being motherly to him. I will resist the urge to do that......

Thanks for your advice and encouragement PDT, it really helps.

I'll keep you posted!

Please do!

Just needing some support here.

I know I did the right thing.

I just hate the feeling that creeps in that says "Maybe you shouldn't have told him you don't want to talk to him. He might think that I never want to talk to him again, even if he breaks it off from OW".

I keep telling myself "Drop the rope, drop the rope"

I know what I did the other night was best for everyone in this sitch, but sometimes logic just doesn't overtake matters of the heart.

PDT- after you confronted your W with her A, how long did it take for her to come back to you?

Belle,

You didn't tell him you don't want to talk to him; you told him you don't want to talk to him so long as he's having an affair. Big difference, and it's an honorable stand to take, and one that fits YOUR personal integrity.

I first asked my wife if there was someone else, when I had some suspicions, in mid-May of 2007. I confronted her once I had proof on May 27th. I re-confronted at the 60-day mark, insisting at LEAST that -- if she wasn't going to end her affair -- that she at LEAST stop lying about it to her parents and to our adult daughters, and accusing ME of being paranoid. (That worked to stop the lies, for the most part).

She still refused to end it, and so about two weeks after that -- in late-July -- I had her served at work with divorce papers.

She broke down one month later -- 3 months after I first confronted her with proof of her affair -- and begged me to take her back.

So, "3 months" is your answer.

Hope that helps,

Puppy