Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

I think the underlying theme that everyone is trying to tell you is to stop analyzing your W. We've all done it, true, but there comes a time when you realize "hey, I've done everything I possibly can" then you understand that they have to do some of the work too. You can't force or make your W see things a certain way. She's going to think what she wants to think. The key is to make her think that the best option is staying with you.

You do that by being the man that you are. Not through words, but through actions. And those actions have to be sincere whereby you don't expect ANYTHING back. You learn to be totally giving.

You help around the house, talk to her when she engages her, keep things light and happy (even though you don't want to), play with the kids and that's it. You don't go out of your way to cater to her needs. This is not a 180, this is just giving her space.

She's pretty much told you on not so many words and actions that SHE can't get over the hurt, SHE would like to try. Well give her that chance to know what SHE wants.

Don't talk to her about it. Sometimes you have to let things go for them to work out.

Also, you spend so much time here talking about your W, but we hardly hear you talking about your kids. Shift your focus to them. Think of what they are going or will be going through. It will help you let go of your W. Concentrate on your kids and how they will cope with things in a worse case scenario.

You've still got a great chance and it's so obvious even if you don't see it. You've met her 2/3 of the way, now it's time for her to come up the 1/3. It's all on her and you can't CONTROL her.

Forget about 180s, LRT, etc. Just give her space to be her.

Just adding one thing:

You need to learn doing this for you, so you feel happy. It has to be automatic. You do it, because you love to see yourself do it, not because you want your W to change her mind. It makes you happy, and if it makes your W happy, too, then that is an added bonus, but not the purpose of your action. Just keep hammering that into your mind, and eventually you will feel it.

Contrary to my posts, I am fairly upbeat and positive around my wife and kids (except when they, the kids, not my wife, are throwing a tantrum).

When I'm not doing things with my wife, I'm with the kids. I have seen the stress/angst of this situation has caused me to have a shorter fuse with them than I normally do (my wife does as well). Every Sat morning we go to YMCA for them to play soccer. After school, I help my oldest with his homework and reading. Then we may play Yu-gi-oh or Bakugan. With my youngest, we play with puzzles or catch. Often the 3 of us wrestle. I do know since the bomb, I've been less engaged in that. I see I have to get refocused on that. They can't pay the price while I am working on the situation. Thanks for pointing that out.

I think I'm actually at the point where I've done everything that I possibly can. I feel like I'm done appologizing for my past mistakes. I am trying my best to make her feel like she is important and she has my full undivided attention. I'm doing that out of the love I have of her, not just because it might make her change her mind. She has even brought it up as a frustration point for herself. She sees that I am doing everything that she had ever wanted, but she just can't see beyond the person who hurt her in the past.

In the first 2-3 weeks, I went overboard as she implied something about being "whipped". Since then, I've either waited to be asked or only helped if she was in the middle of something else. I'm backing off on walking on eggshells, but I'm still struggling on how to share my feelings.

The problem is most of my feelings is related to the relationship and I know I'm not suppose to talk about it. She says right now she feels that we are friends but can't see feeling any more than that. Right now I feel frustrated and angry that she just can't get over it but I know that's not realistic.

I appreciate your optimism Stuck808, I just don't see it as that hopeful. Part of me thinks that she's looking for the love feeling like we had when we first met. I know that is not realistic. I am tempted to ask her, but know better.

The one thing I don't do around the house is clean the bathrooms. I know how much she would love it if I did, but even I have limits!

LOL

Just a couple of things:


That is the problem. It should have been the other way round. When my W dropped the bomb, I immediately spent more time with my kids, trying to get closer to them again. My kids' behavior has improved since then. My S8 still has a big self-esteem problem, but even that has improved a little. For instance, he stopped wetting his bed.


This might be what you tell yourself. But try to be honest: if she told you today she had made the final decision to get a D, would you be angry? I think the answer is yes. And she knows it. So I think she tells you that she can't see beyond the person who hurt her in the past, because it justifies her behavior for her and for you, but in reality she does not trust the person she is seeing right now. She does not trust the changes are real. And if you are honest to yourself, they are not real yet. As soon as she stops complying with what you want, the R will go right back where you were pre-bomb.


Yes, she is. But you are not feeling it, so she cannot feel it either. You can wait on her to rediscover it (that will probably not happen), or you can rediscover it in yourself.

"In the first 2-3 weeks, I went overboard as she implied something about being "whipped". Since then, I've either waited to be asked or only helped if she was in the middle of something else. I'm backing off on walking on eggshells, but I'm still struggling on how to share my feelings."

Stop thinking about how you should share your feelings. Wait till both of you are at a better place to do so. Right now she wants HER time not you. Again, she keeps saying how SHE can't get over how SHE feels. None of that includes you. Suck it up and journal your frustrations and feelings here. We're all here for you. Don't do it to your W because she will just feel more guilty and pressure and make her want to be "free" from all of it.

"She says right now she feels that we are friends but can't see feeling any more than that. Right now I feel frustrated and angry that she just can't get over it but I know that's not realistic."

This shows again how little you can control her. So don't.

She has said that she finds it hard to believe that the changes are real. She had even gone as far as saying that she thinks the changes are only because the divorce is looming and once she stops it, she thinks I will go back to pre-bomb behaviors.

When she says this, I try to acknowledge and validate. I also add that I am making these changes to me a better person. Pre-bomb, I would not allow myself to enjoy life. I was so afraid of being happy as I knew it wouldn't last. This drove me into a depression like state where I wouldn't allow myself to feel truly happy and kept myself in a neutral (slightly biased towards negative) state. This also drove my controlling behavior as I interpreted any change as a risk to my neutral state so I wouldn't "allow" anything to deviate from the norm.

What's interesting is after the divorce bomb, I feel like I've fallen in love with her again. Everytime I look at her, I can't believe how beautiful she is and it always makes me smile. Even when she just wearing sweats cleaning the kitchen. When I walked in while she was getting ready for to go out with her girlfriend for lunch and peidcures, I let out a "Wow" because she looked really good. She did smile when I did that.

You are right though, if she does go forward with the divorce, I will be angry. So I don't know what you are getting at with this point, but it is true.

I guess what I am getting at is the following:

If you are angry at her for leaving you, you will probably get angry at her for other things as well. And she probably feels that or is afraid of it.

Think back to the time when you met her for the first time. If she had told you then it was over, you would have been sad, very sad maybe, but not angry. And that is why even though you may have again some romantic feelings for her, it is still not the same as it was at that time. This time you feel entitled to her staying, you do not accept it as a gift. Am I right?

Its another rough morning. The youngest is still sick and our oldest is having a bad morning. She's stressed about work and tired

She's also in full WAW mode. It just seems like a wild swing from last Thurs. Maybe this is her way of compensating for what happened that nite. I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat but its hard

I am angry about what is going to happen to the family. I'm angry that she considers our kids baggage that may be in the way of her "future happiness". I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm still angry that she is acting very selfishly. I know we've all read what the impact divorce plays on kids, that's why I'm angry.

Ironically, a few weeks after we first met, she suggested slowing down/breaking up because she felt we were moving too fast (with the exception of going to work, we literally spent every single day together for those weeks). At that point in my life, I was used to seeing girls just for a few weeks and then moving on. I gave her my typical answer - I was ok with that but would like to still see her occassionally. That lasted for less than 2 days, then we were spending everyday togther again. I wasn't sad during that time as I just did my own thing (karate, gym, etc.) - although we would spend hours on the phone at nite (she talked, I just listened).

I'm not angry that she wants to leave me, I am sad about that now and will be in the future. I know I can and will move on.

Another thing ironic is that even when she is in full blown WAW mode (which is where she has been except for last Thurs nite), seeing her always makes me smile. It's odd as when I see her, inside it makes me sad. It's a very confusing feeling.

I know that time apart would probably be best for both of us as it would give us some time to work things out. Unfortunately, with the economy, I don't have any business travel planned (although I'm not sure if 1 week will be enough). Perhaps I should just take a week off and go visit one of my friends (all of my close friends are out of town).

I do feel my own feelings changing as I'm digesting more of what everyone here is telling me. When I do things now, I do it to not just because I think she would like it, I do it because it makes me feel good as well. I feel like I'm no longer looking for her to say thank you or show any appreciation. I do things because either they need to be done or because I want to do them.

It's odd as I'm starting to feel like I'm losing what little connection I had with my wife. Is this what detachment suppose to be like? Is this really the right path?