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Dr L, Aud, Matilda, Naej, Jak,
Thank you for the kindness. I had tears in my eyes reading Matilda's three lines.

I got a long email from my W today. There was nothing constructive in it. It was more of how unhappy she is with an emphasis on the intimacy and housecleaning.

She's asking for space, and is considering renting an apartment so she could spend the weeknights there.

I'm going to keep my social calendar busy this month, and will not pursue my W. I've put away my marital self-help books and am going to focus on my happiness, rather than working on the R.

I was reading on a thread in the Divorced, But Not Done forum that until the WAS is willing to work on the M, reconciliation will not occur. This is a critical missing ingredient in my situation.

She's going to have to work her way out of this. She's going to have to find FT work to support herself, or work on the M.

CL

CL

CL,

I am sure she probobly has not even thought this far. I think you are doing the right thing.

JAK

Jak,
She mentioned in an email that she is going to update her resume, and begin the process of finding FT work. Finding her own job will be different for her. Her sister and I have always done the legwork of finding interviews for her.

I'm going to work on getting myself back into a centered mindframe today. I don't want my W's words and actions to make me unhappy. This R isn't going away anytime soon.

I listened to a podcast on Lovingkindness. I'm at work now, so will journal tonight after work.

CL

I am glad she at least realizes that she needs to work FT to get her own apt. I believe she will have a rude awakening.....although right now she is just self centered. One good bit of news maybe---looking for her own apt rather than saying she is moving in with a male friend.

Meanwhile, you are ahead of the game by taking care of yourself! Keeping busy is so wise. (((CL)))

Matilda,
I was reading the GAL section in DB, and was intrigued by a question. The question was, How would you spend your time if you didn't have marital problems to focus on?

I realized that this is the 180 I need to make. I've been focused on DB, and trying to find the right approach to make my W happy. The circumstances now call for me to invest more energy into cultivating my own interests and connections.

I've been out in the world as a married person. I want to present myself as an individual. I won't date if approached, but I'm going to function as a single person without a partner. The goal is friendship and connection, not romance. I wouldn't put someone into my marital problems.

I went out to practice dancing last night at a venue. A lady dancer was friendly to me and has asked me to meet her on Sunday night, and will introduce me to her friends.

She's a good dancer, and is willing to let me practice intermediate moves, that I used to practice with my W. After a couple tries, she is able to get the move. We danced several times.

I'm not going to pursue my W at this time. I'm in support of a D.

I'm willing to be roommates for months while she works on preparing for her single life. I want this to be an amicable D, so patience and cooperation are needed.

I don't think the situation will stay like this indefinitely. She's eager to move forward to find a new R.

CL

What a healthy attitude, CL!

Matilda,
I went to visit my IC yesterday. I told him about the effort I've been making and my current situation. I told him about the books I'm reading (Radical Acceptance, and DB), the audio podcasts by Tara Brach, and the GAL efforts.

He seemed to understand and validate my efforts. The one thing he thought I needed to work on was speaking-up more on what my needs in the R are. I told him about my email where I asked my W for respectful communication and for the sleeping elsewhere to end.

He agreed that the relatonal patterns in the M don't allow intimacy to flourish. The impasse is that my W wants intimacy without making changes to allow it to occur. My unhealthy pattern is to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully without letting her know how it affects me.

We talked about how I lose myself in my efforts to fix the M and how pursuing the GAL activities and holding onto them, even when I'm in R is important. We talked about my history of tolerating bad behavior, which then turns into anger and resentment, which is displayed in passive-aggressive ways.

I think the main emotions right now are sadness and embarrassment and frustration. I will use the tools I'm learning to stay with them without turning it into blame, judgment, or reactivity.

I'm using the GAL question of how would I spend my time if I weren't preoccupied with my marital problems as a guide. I went to my dance lesson on Thursday, and a studio ballroom dance last night.

Even though my W and I aren't working in partnership, I have plenty to work on. DB discusses that sometimes the changes aren't different enough to change the relational patterns. I have to work so that when I'm in a R again, the patterns will be healthier.

CL

I understand each of those emotions!

Keep concentrating on YOU!

Matilda,
Thanks for your support and kindness. I've started a thread over in the MLC forum, as I feel like I need to be on a more active forum since my situation has backslid.

Thanks Aud, Matilda, Jak, Lanzo, Naej, for support in helping me to Piece my M forward. Naej has stopped by for a visit, and I hope to hear from all of you at some point.

I wish each of you well with your own journeys towards happiness.

CL

Piecing Friends,
Things have settled down again. The sleeping elsewhere has ceased for almost two months.

I see that my last post here was in early March. This year I've done something different (per DB) and decided to make ballroom dancing my own hobby, versus always thinking of lessons and venues in terms of my W. I found a weeknight ballroom venue that I attend regularly, and have begun forming my own network of lady dancers. I found a studio not too far from where I live, and have attended most weeks on Thursday nights. I go to ballroom or West Coast Swing events on the weekends. A studio puts on monthly technique workshops that I attend. I film the combinations and lessons, put them on my computer, and review and practice them at home. I find a kind lady who is willing to let me integrate it into a dance, and eventually incorporate the move.

At this point our dance lives reflect our M, separate with some connection. We dance in separate communities. I haven't been in my W's latin community since January. On occassion, I've asked my W to practice with me, to help master a combination or technique.

Since my W returned from her Puerto Rico trip with her dancing friend, she has been asking me to go with her to her dance venues. She has limited her time with him, as she views him in a different light--immature, unbalanced, irresponsible, unpredictable. He apparently took this trip with her without any money. She had to pay for everything. He had little respect for her money. She wants to go to Puerto Rico with me in January.

In DB, it states that lack of change in a M means that there hasn't been enough change in the relational patterns, or in one of the parties. It's been a year of change for me, so we'll see what happens this time around, now that her one friend is no longer an escape.

I'm not invested in any outcome in the M. I have experienced increased moments of detachment where my happiness is not dependent on any outcome. I am able to live in mystery.

I am practicing boundary-setting. She asked me last night to drive her to her dance venue, so she didn't have to manage parking. I told her no. She had all day to make arrangements for her evening.

CL