Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I feel so lost and so tired

Others may not agree with me but, I don't think you should take her out.
And, who is this friend she is going out to dinner with? Is it a male. And, why was that other male so interested in her? Did she give him reason to?
I am sorry if I am wrong. But, I also picked up that maybe she is ashamed of you. Maybe thinks that you are beneath her.
How could she suggest to stay at her sisters and see the child on weekends. Leaving you with the child all week.
You need to demand respect and set boundaries.
Do things for yourself and that child. Get strong not just for her.

Well, its not really me taking her out. She saw the ad for a certain comedian in the newspaper when we were eating lunch, and it was actually her that said we should get tickets. Of course I said yeah we should.

I dont' really know who the 'friend' she had dinner with is. I didn't really want to push it. But I do wonder if it's the person I mentioned in the 9th post of this thread...though she does have mostly female friends. What I don't like about these friends (though they are nice people) is that I think they are all supposedly in unhappy marriages...at least that's what she has told me. And I think hearing about all of their unhappy marriages has a bad affect on our situation and makes her think that her life would be unhappy too.

But the moving in with her sister came about I think cause she wanted a separation and one of us to move out cause she said she "felt suffocated" and said I was "reminder of the hurt/pain". And I told her I wasn't going to move out. And said that neither of us could really move out cause we cna't afford it right now, esp since I just got layed off last week. But it did kinda shock me when she said she would move to her sisters and come visit our son on weekends. I didn't think she would ever want to not see our son everyday.

I am pretty down today, and am seriously losing hope. We had a setback yesterday because I was having issues with her not calling when coming home late and I was not sure if she was in some kind of emotional affair with someone. So in my last IC session, the C said that I really need to talk with my wife and set boundaries about calling home or no more last minute plan changes where I have to pickup our son from daycare so she could go out with friends last minute. And because I wasn't sure she wasn't in an emotional affair, the C said I really needed to ask about it.

Well, to sum it up, I brought up having boundaries with her not making last minute plans and not calling home, and she replied that she is not a child. I told her its about her giving me respect enough to do or not do those things and I'm not her live in babysitter to support her social schedule. So I don't know if she was really happy about that whole thing.

And then I said I had another thing to talk about, but I didn't know if it was the right time. But she insisted I tell her, so I said that I know she told me before that there was no emotional affairs going on but something still bothered me. And it was that at the time she was dropping the bomb, something came up where I think she was saying that there was an emotional affair. But a couple days later, when I asked again, she said that there was none. And when we did MC, I asked about it there, and again she said there was none. But the other night when she was out late, I couldn't sleep worrying about her. I didn't want to call cause I didnt' want to seem like pursuing. And I woke up and noticed that she was in the car on the driveway on the phone for awhile and it was 3am. So it made me start to think about the whole emotional affair thing again.
So because my IC said I needed to ask if it was bothering me, I brought it up. And as expected, she was all offended, and said there was none going on. Though she never did say who she was talking to on the phone, and said that it was really none of my business.

And then she told me things that she has told me before and at MC (when we tried a few sessions together). She again reiterated that she really doesn't feel anything for me, and that she realizes now that even 10yrs back when we got married our bond wasn't strong, which is why we are where we are. And that this is why she doesn't believe that we would ever be 'fine' again, and that is why she doesn't want to try anymore and just wants it to end. This is just crushing to me again. She again says that she knows that it wasn't my fault, but it was 50/50. Some of it was her. And though she has 'learned' why things went wrong, she doenst' care to fix them cause she doesn't think we had a good bond and probalby weren't good for each other in the first place.

So now, I think it's getting hopeless. It feels like for some people's sitchs, they can hope the spouse can see they there were changes that bring the marriage back to the past when it was good, or that maybe ending an affair can get the WAS to be able to have feelings for you again.

And I've been DBing for 2months now, and trying to do my own thing and give her space like she asked for. But she also mentioned that in the past couple months, our 'connection' has dwindled away to nothing. But I'm thinking that it dwindled away cause she doens't even really talk to me. How can she be thinking that any connection dwindled away if she won't even say good morning to me. She tells me she doenst' hate me, or have any feelings about me whatsoever. And she doenst' really care if we're friends, but just wants us to be amicable after a D because of our son.

But I'm today I'm barely clinging to any feelings of hope left, and don't know if maybe I'm at the brink of giving up altogether. Also, she was reading this book 'Coming Apart', which is for helping people get over relationships and moving on. And there were exercises in there where you write about your relationship from the start, and then write about why it wasn't good. And then there is a 'poison pen letter' that you write, where I guess you write a nasty letter to your spouse and let your bad feelings out. I don't think it is really meant to be seen by the spouse, but I saw it. Her laptop broke and she asked me to help transfer everything to her new laptop. I saw the document, and maybe I shouldn't have read it, but I did. It was very, very hurtful, and I'm still hurt from reading it days ago.

Anyone have any ideas for me? Please post. Do you think if I even called for a phone coach it would help at this point?

On Sunday, we went to the comedy club. We got to the mall where the Improv was a had a laugh right away cause we ended up walking all over the mall looking for the place, and it was right in front of where we parked the car. We were doing the dinner thing there before the show, and W mentioned that it was the first fun thing we did together in a long time. I agreed with her.

She said she didn't feel that hungry so we ordered a dinner salad and a prime rib, and shared the meals together. I would cut meat and feed her, and she would sometimes grab chicken from her salad and feed it to me. It almost felt like being on a date again. The show was funny, and we did laugh ourselves sore. And then we talked a little on the way home again. Though I still kinda feel that she is trying to 'allow' these good moments with me just cause she is hoping that we will be very amicable in a divorce, I still am hoping that these little moments can add up and maybe trigger something inside her.

But sometimes I'm still not sure what is in her head though. Because I try not to talk about the future at all since I'm not supposed to when DBing. But sometimes its her that says things which are future related that most people would take as including me there. I dont' know what to make of it.

Like, last night, we got some new car ads. And I know she wanted a new car for awhile but we didnt' buy one just cause it didnt' make financial sense. But last night, she mentions that maybe we should trade in one of our cars and get a new one. She has done this a bunch of times before too. And in my head, I'm thinking, if you are going to divorce me...why the heck would I be buying a new car. If someone is dead set on divorce like she says she is, would they be thinking about getting new car now? And she heard from the neighbor about them paying less by using a different cable co. for tv, phone, and internet. So she just asked me about looking into seeing if we can get a better deal by switching too. To me, these things are set up for future savings so it goes against all the things she tells me about us.

But then sometimes she also says something about the future which seems to indicate that it is without me. I'm considering pursueing law school, and would probaby try to do it part time. But last night she also said that I should talk to my dad to see if he can support me and have me go fulltime. Hmmm...doesn't sound like I'm included in her future plans there.

So I still dont' know what to make of my sitch. Everytime we end up talking about the R (just like the other day when I had to try to set boundaries), she says the same thing. She has gotten over me, and harbors no hateful feelings, but still has no loving feelings. I'm just here. She repeats that she'd ideally like to just move on so she can start a new life. And did agree that we were both half the blame for any issues. She also did agree that people can come back from that 'place' she is in now, but says it takes much time and work, and that she can't and won't do it anymore.

There some more things, but I don't have time to type it out now. Like I've been back to working out like I used to. And the other day I'm pretty sure I caught her check me out a little I had my shirt off. But nothing's come of it...the only laid I've gotten in 3months is layed off from work.:(

I'm going to Vegas for a bachelor party today. So my 4yr old was kinda sad this morning. He told me it was cause I was going on the trip. He didnt' want me to go.

And I took him in to daycare this morning and he did not want to let go of me and wouldnt' stop hugging me. The teacher there had to pry him off of me and then gave him a hug. The whole time, he was just had his head turned toward me and kept watching me as I waved goodbye and left. He looked like he would cry.

And so it made me tear up and cried a little in the car. It was partly due to me thinking what he would have to go through if we divorce. It made me feel alittle anger toward my wife for always saying that she's looked into it and kids are just fine these days with divorce. I dont' believe they are all just fine, and that this will be incredibly hard for our son.

Hi SoTired,

Just finished reading through your sitch, and just wanted to write and tell you that you are not alone. Our sitches / history, etc seem really similar. I got most of the same lines that you did, and have many of the same feelings.

In my case, there definitely was an EA, which was revealed / discovered in stages. I think it is now over, but my W is definitely not over it. From what you are writing here, I would seriously not discount it in your sitch either.

I am also still living with my W and trying to detach and give her as much space as possible while still living together. I am also struggling with the feeling that the more I detach, the more she pulls back and the more separated we get.

I told my C this week that if I were a fly on the wall watching our M, It would seem like things were getting worse - 2 months ago we hugged, snuggled, kissed goodnight and goodbye before we left each other for the day, etc. I realized that that was really all being initiated by me and stopped to give her space - since then it has all disappeared. Just like you I feel like I am watching our connection dwindle away to nothing.

At the same time, I have been focusing on myself, and am much happier with myself and in general than I was 2 months ago. I agree with you that it is hard - everyone else here will as well - but I will reiterate what they say....

Take your focus off of your W and put it on yourself.

Make yourself happy

Do it for yourself

Just do it.



keep in touch. We're all there together.

Thanx for responding Thinker.

I considered that there might be an EA for awhile, and kept an eye out. Esp since she told me that there was a male colleague that started getting feelings for her, though she said she was not interested in him. But I think she did enjoy the attention, and the talking to him. And though she said he kinda avoided her for a month or so cause he wanted to get rid of his feelings for her, she still says that he is a friend and won't avoid him. Of course that kinda bothers me, but I can't tell her who she can be friends with.

But I had to ask her again the other night about if there is an EA cause she was home late from a function and was on teh phone in the driveway for 20min at 3am. And also because I noticed her cell phone was locked these days. But that conversation didnt' go well as expected. But the next day she again said there is no EA and unlocked her phone and gave it to me and said I could check her phone. I just said I believed her and declined taking a look at her phone.

But yeah...it does feel like we're both getting farther away from each other. It's really hard, because I kinda think that is what she wants. She wants me to get over her, and just give up and we can be 'friends' and just coparent.

But I'm on my way out the door now to the airport for a bachelor party this weekend in Vegas. Hopefully this weekend will be tons of fun and distract me from thinking of anything going on here.

Hi So Tired....

I encourage you to DB 'by the book'. Your individual counselor is giving you good advice 'for you' but not necessarily for your marriage. Setting boundaries is important......but it's even more important 'how' you do it if you want to save your marriage.

For example.....if you want to set a boundary about changing plans at the last minute....don't have a discussion about it....use ACTION. Don't tell her you are setting this boundary and she needs to respect you. She will hear....blah blah blah. Just don't be available. Either don't answer, or just say you are unable. DO NOT GIVE A REASON. You just are not able to drop everything.

Use that example as a sort of template. The more of these discussions you have...the further away from the relationship you will be.

I'm glad you're on a trip.....DO NOT REASSURE HER or GIVE HER DETAILS of your trip. Keep her guessing.


Don't snoop if it will make you crazy. The only real values in snooping are: *letting you find out what is appealing about the other person (which many folks are so angry they can't use it for that information); or *building ammunition for divorce. That is not your goal.

FOCUS on YOUR relationship with her. Building it better. The other is symptoms.



Thinker has given you some great perspective. Try to view your situation 'outside' of yourself....as if you were a fly on the wall. What are you each DOING and what are each of you SAYING. Evaluate the pattern. KEEP DOING YOUR PART IF IT IS WORKING. CHANGE what YOU are DOING/SAYING if the interaction ISN'T working.

That's how you build the relationship.

btw--

I just noticed you have Sandi's attention and I want to note that she is a very wise, experience DBer...and a SUCCESS. Pay really close attention to the successes.

peace,
sg

Weirdest thing again....tonight she's showing me ads for new cars, and we are talking about the possiblities of trading a car for something nicer that she would like. Besides the fact that we can't afford a new car right now cause I got layedoff, I don't really expect a spouse to be talking about buying a new car together if she is wanted to separate. I don't know what she is thinking. Even when I was in Vegas for the past 4 days, I'd call home and she would just say hi and then tell my son that daddy is calling and put him on instead of talking to me. And when I called her to say that my flight was delayed so she wouldnt' worry since I wouldn't get home till really late , her response was just 'Oh...well you have the car there so you'll be fine.", and that was it. So within a day, she goes from the mindset of 'I dont' really care about you enough to even really spend time talking to you still' to maybe looking for us to buy something that you would think you would only do if you were thinking you would still be with this person in the future. If I didn't want to be with someone, I dont' think I'd even want to buy a sandwich together.

And this is all after my 4days in Vegas this past weekend where when I call home, she just says hi and passes the phone to my son like she didnt' even care to talk to me at all. I took it as she didnt' really want to talk to me, but oh well...I kinda figured that anyway. And I called home Sun night to say my flight was delayed so she wouldnt worry, and the response was just 'well you have the car at the lot so you'll be ok'. And that was pretty much 99% of the conversation.

This stuff is why I'm so confused these days.

But I'm trying to focus on the gameplan. I didnt' really talk about my trip till she asked alittle bit about it. And then mostly just said that was happens in vegas, stays in vegas. So she doesnt' really know what I did there at all. But she did mention that it sounds like I had fun...which I did...but coulda been better though. Even one of my friends who I did get to talk to a little about the sitch did mention he could tell something had me preoccupied for the first couple days, and I couldn't seem to want to let loose till I had some drinks in me.