Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers RE-POST HUSBAND NO LONGER LOVES ME

He said I always think the worst so I'm going to try change that around.

As he seems confused how to say stuff about me and is waiting to see counsellor, I need to be happy and positive so that he doesn't keep thinking those negative things about me.

That means not asking where he is.

My 180 is difficult because he still can't tell me the problem, therapist said we need to try broach that ourselves so should I bring it up or wait for him. think wait for him.

me again.

He was telling me all about his night and what a laugh it was. Telling me how he was arguing with one of the wives. It's difficult for me to believe that this is some sort of baiting,however I just ignored it. Not really that interested. Didn't ask about mine. I'm all dressed up and he hasn't asked where I'm going.

I'm going out for a late lunch. He said I'll get us something for dinner but I might just stay out.

He seems to be behaving the exact same way that people told me he was before I met him.

I can't control it can I.

Learning to ignore it is actually helping. Why get myself upset.

Hey Regrets it is very hard, but don't ask where he was or what he was doing. Don't worry if he doesn't ask where you are going, he notices, but just doesn't say.

NO you can't control him or what he does. You can only control what you are doing in reaction to him....So don't react. Just detach and go on with your life. I know much easier said than done, by someone who doesn't detach well.

My H says I didn't do anything wrong...other than him thinking I had an affair, that I didn't have. I hate that too, because everyone talks about working on the things their S's have complained about, when you don't know what they want different you don't know what to do. So I don't really have any advice for you there.

Your mind will run away with you when he is out and you don't know what he is doing. My mind wanders all the time like that, since H is living with OW, but in little bits I have found out, it isn't all a bed of roses there either. So don't assume he is having a wonderful time without you.

Don't focus on him and what he is doing, just try and focus on what you are doing.

Enjoy your lunch! Try and relax, and like Kel says Breath!

Morning ladies or afternoon for you Regrets.

I'm back and breathing. LOL Had a wonderful day yesterday.

Here's a funny. Stepped out to have a cigarette and formulate my thoughts before finishing this and the neighbor's Peacock has gotten out of the yard and it now wandering the neighborhood. Not chashing that thing as they are mean. Will help with loose dogs but not loose birds...

Ok I'm over that now. Regrets, you are looking for the immediate answer. You have to stop that and you have to realize that you CANNOT control, stop, or alter his behavior in any way. No matter what YOU do, if he is going to have EA/PA, he is going to do it. YOU have to decide and if you can deal with it in a way that is not going to damage you or make the situation worse. If you can't, or if you think you can and then find that you can't, then it is time to throw in the towel. But it is NOT a reflection on you or your relationship. It is him dealing with what he is going through in a way that HE chooses to deal with and that is the bottom line.

My H asked me recently what if one of our hearts went somewhere else? My only reply was that that is always a risk, and always has been a risk. It is part of human relationships. If I don't want to take that risk, because of fear or whatever, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. So that being said, you have to decide what you can put up with, but keep in mind that with him or someone else that is always a risk. It is life.

Secondly, he may never really be able to find words to explain to you what he is going through. He may not understand it at all himself. He just knows how he FEELS right now. It might not be what you are feeling, but just like thoughts, we rarely all feel exactly the same way about things. Maybe similar but not the same. It sounds like he just feels like he is failing. And like all of us, he was hoping that in a short amount of time he would feel differently, without doing anything about it, and since it hasn't changed, he doesnt' think it will. I have learned and have tried to explain to H, that you have to have action to change feelings. Just waiting for feelings to change does nothing to change them. I have heard that he has tried and all i can tell him is that one or two attempts is not always gonna cut it. That is how A's start. Actions, talking, laughing, etc...leads to good feelings, which leads to more actions, which leads to more feelings, until it has built to a point that maybe and so the next action comes....Eventually though, the comfort sets in and the actions stop. The feelings aren't so good. When the actions that bring the good feelings are not there, and all there is is day to day life, talking about mundane things, the house, the kids, work, the good feelings stop. The friendship sort of goes stale. Then it doesn't FEEL so good anymore.

So yes, GAL is important. Don't please don't be at his beck and call. If you have plans and he wants to go out, don't rearrange your schedule just tell him tomorrow night or whatever. It is going to be awkward. It is going to be uncomfortable. And you can't expect one day to make everything all right. When you went on your first date, because it was good, you didn't think right away, I'm gonna marry this guy. You hoped it was good enough that there would be a follow up call and maybe a second date. We too often make the mistake that one conversation or one or two good times are going to "fix" everything. That is NOT how it works. So no expectations.

So stop worrying about what he is doing. That will actually hurt you more than anything he actually does. Keep an eye on your goals and your PMA and your GAL but not for him. FOR YOU. If you make these changes just to save your M, I can GUARANTEE you that they WILL NOT last, and you will slip and eventually your M will be right back where it is now. You need to build your strength, your confidence and your life. FOR YOU. That is the bottom line and that is the ONLY way that your M has a chance at all.

And the anger is ok. Vent it here. This is your safe place to express your feelings and thoughts even if they don't make sense and believe me, we all have thoughts and feelings that make no sense. We all have felt like we are doing it all wrong. But as you learn and grow, you will see the things you are doing to help and the things you are doing to hurt much more clearly.

And MT is wonderful. I've just done this a lot longer than her and more times than she has (lucky duck). I wish that I didn't have those experiences but you know they say and I"ve read this a lot of times, we will keep repeating things until we learn what we are supposed to learn from them. I guess that is what has happened with H and I. We repeat our cycle every few years or so and have tired the same things over and over to fix it. Guess what, didn't work. This time the solutions and planned resolution are different, we absolutly are NOT trying to work on our M, but our relationship on the whole is improving. SLOWLY like a turtle, but it is changing, evolving and who knows what the outcome will be. Only God and the Angels I guess. So maybe that is why I seem so wise. Because it took me almost 20 years but I'm finally learning what I've needed to learn.

Hello you two, thank you for looking out for me.

I'm so confused. I feel I should detach but counsellor thinks the problem is that we don't communicate.

I said have you given thought to going out and he said yes, I said I'd like during the week and a sat because I don't want us living seperate lives. He said we'll see.

He is now drunk sleeping and ordered take away.

I'm dying to look at his phone but I won't.

I said to him thid drinking can't go on and he just shook his head sadly.

IN DR it says if you sleep in seperate rooms you must do LRT right away but then think I'll blow it.

I just said goodnight and no reply, shouter louder and got one back. He seems to think I'm making a big deal of things but keeps saying he knows it must be hard for me.

I think he is trying to push me out but then I'm more fortunate as he has said he wants to try and is coming to counselling.

I'm a mess aren't I, half an hour ago I was doing great.

You're both wonderful people and you don't deserve this heartache

Hey,

you will have ups and downs. My H still makes me want to pull my hair out, cry, scream, and a whole bunch of other things once in a while. So does MT's.

Just keep plugging along. Minute by minute until it becomes hour by hour then day by day.

The counselor is probably right but to be honest, I think you need to be really careful right now. Too much info, too much emotion, too much trying will make him run. Communication comes in all forms. I think for the first month, H and I said hello and goodnight. That was it. Then it was a little more but not much. Then a whole bunch of talking, agreements, then normal behavior which sent him running for the hills for about two weeks. We keep it simple right now. Most days. It just seems to make him more comfortable, me too to be honest. Then every once in a while something small and important will pop out. Neither of us are avoiding by any means but it sort of makes it easier to let a little come out and then we sit with it and process and then the next thing comes out and more processing. It took us months and months to get here though. And I'm not even being cautiously optimistic of anything other than we don't want to kill each other LOL.

So take your time. That is the best advice I can give you. And expect and accept that you will go up and down and as time passes, you will see it happening less and less.

Thank you Kel. You're right.

I'm getting myself in a panic over two wedding that are weekend events but they really aren't important are they.

I think I'm sexually frustrated lol.

I love your sig, so true.

x

Honestly no the weddings arent' important although I know they will be hard if you attend.

Yes sexual frustration sucks LOL.

Thanks about the signature. It is something that I had to learn the hard way. If I wrote a book about my life people would think it had to be fiction. But it was and is an important lesson. Something that I've learned since putting that there, and maybe if I think of some wise words I will change it, is that you also can't live for the future. You have to honestly in every way possible live for today and today only. If you are your best in the now, the future will take care of itself. If you live worried about the future all of the time, you miss today and essentially miss your life.

So how are you today?

Hi Kel, I'm bit down. I was thinking of asking him if he wanted to meet at the shops and walk home together but not sure if that is the right thing to do. I'm trying to get him comfortable and show that he can interact with me without me bringing up our relationship.

I'm no longer terrified of a future without him, I'm just sad because the man I love and my best friend looks so confused and unhappy. Sometimes I see a glimmer of him but soon disappears.

He said we need to see the financial advisor to see what we are doing with the money. Didn't say just him.

I'm saying affirmations every hour or so.

How are you?