Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

Hey T,

Thanks for posting and praying ... I certainly need them. I hope your wife is doing better and I will continue to pray for you and her.... Take care and I'll check back in a couple of days

sandycay,
I hope your surgery goes well. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to accept the feelings your H admitted for the OW. I have no advice at the moment other than what you know already: Patience..., time is on your side on this one.
xxx
K

thanks for your prayers sandy.

peace

T

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[sandycay]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Well I survived. I found out today as H and I were talking that after he sat in the waiting room for 1 1/2 hours and asked how much longer it would be the girl told him it would be about 4-5 hours. HE WENT HOME! I can't believe it. My feelings are really hurt. We were told that it would be only a couple of hours but that turned into about 7 hours. So he told me today that he already had sat in the waiting room for hour and half and figured I was in good hands and left. Now we live about 25 minutes drive time away. Across a huge bridge that has been known to shut down if accidents happen or if a jumper is on the bridge. (for hours) I can't believe he didn't just like go to target or a restaurant close by stay on that side of the bridge. I can't help but wonder if I was the OW he wouldn't have left her there. He has taken care of me faily well, but I could tell his "heart" wasn't into it. I feel he just has accepted that in order for him to do the right thing he is "stuck" with me and not his true love. He is nice to me but he always has been.

I am disappointed about my surgery day. I didn't say much to him about it but I know he knew it bothered me. I just said well I'm glad nothing happened and I was alone. He said, "well there was a surgeon, 2 nurse, and anstegeologist...what could I have done? Okay, this is all true..but he told me he would be there. I would never leave someone who was having sugery. Am I wrong or crazy or is that just a sensitive woman thang?

{{{{{{sandy}}}}}}

First of all--I am glad that surgery went well and you are comfortable enough to post.

Now--apparently I need to go borrow some lumber from Mike's pile of 2x4s.


YOU are being your own worst enemy right now. You are allowing thoughts of a non-entity to consume your life. STOP IT!! Your H is home, has said he wants to be home, has said he loves you! I would sell one of my kids, even one I liked, to hear and have all of that.

How can you expect him to get past it if you won't let it go? If you are thinking about it even half as much as you have posted about it, then you are thinking about it too much. Those thoughts will affect your mood and attitude when the two of you are together. You need to live your life with intentional thought. You are allowing the enemy to control your thoughts, instead of forcing him out.

Just as love is a decision, so is letting things go. If it constantly invades your thoughts, you have not truly forgiven your H. Forgiveness is not a one time thing, it is in layers that go deeper and deeper, depending on the level of involvement that the person you need to forgive has in your life.

I am finishing up a class at church that you might want to look in to for you--for both of you, if H attends church. It is called CrossCurrents and is designed to help people heal from realational brokenness. ALL relationships. I have dealt with issues with my FOO, DH, the OW.

I hope I have not offended you, but I love you too much to see you hurting like this. I just want you to really examine your heart and get alone with God about all of this. Contact me in the alt and call me. I want to get you a book from the course so that even if it is not offered locally, you can work it through on your own. I will be here for you if you want me to be.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

Hi Sandy,
I don't think I've posted to you before, but I wanted to chime in and say that you are getting so much good advice from your friends here. I particularly agree with BobbiJo about trying to be positive and upbeat when you are together with your H. Focus on the positives, the things that are going in the right direction, no matter how small. I can understand your disappointment at him leaving while you were in surgery, but can you look at the positives of that day? He was there for you- even if he wasn't in the waiting room the whole time.

I also think that you should make an appointment for MC and tell him that you really want to start going regularly. I hope you can find a good C who can get you both to work on moving past the OW.

Hi sandy,
I hope you are ok, feeling better by now...
K

Ouch should have brought my helmet for the 2x4's. Mike's Via SMW hurts.... but truthful and I know you said it with love. i do want to clarify that I don't mope about and act unhappy around my H. I really only talk about my concerns on here.

I understand that most people would give their arm to be where I am because I have been there too. I will say that it is unrealistic to not expect someone to be able to express what they are not getting or feeling from their spouse because they are "afraid" if they dont' always "act" perfect and happy they are going to bolt. You won't understand that till your in that situation..... a lot of that is self imposed but I can guarantee you that feeling second best is a hard pill to swallow.

I am blessed that he does feel the duty to be here and by appearances is here but it doesn't stop the fact that his heart is not.

Here's the question everyone has to answer for themselves... how long can you do that and be fair to yourself. I have made so many changes in the last year that were postive that I can now see why I may have gotten unhappy in my marriage and thus made him unhappy. My "need" to be verbally validated are answered with "I am doing to best I can".

We have done MC and it was successful at the time and he feels that it would be a waste of time now because there's nothing really wrong. He's here and doing the right thing... he says he's happy. I guess he forgets that it's not okay to be in love with another woman while your married whether or not you still see her.

Hello again,

All I can say is hang in there kid.

As I read through your first post in this thread and the post about your surgery it was like dejavu. I had this exact conversation with myself last Saturday as I was taking a long drive. Our situations are VERY similar. I was driving, thinking about how things are pleasant and friendly with hubby, but he obviously doesn't love me and has no intention of it. Then I thought back through the years of all the things that I overlooked like the year that he decided it was better for him to live in his own apartment when I just happened to be pregnant with the twins and that on the day they were born he went home to sleep instead of sleeping in my private room at the hospital because "he would be more comfortable in his own bed". And this was years ago.

And then I had an epiphany...maybe he never was the person I projected him to be. Well, maybe in the very beginning. And realizing this made me realize that he will never change to be that person and will probably never be the person that I need him to be. And it was a load off my soul for some reason. Because its not about what I do or don't do. Or the conversations we have. That's just the way he is. And I'm the way I am. And maybe things will come back together, but I don't think he'll ever meet my expectations of what I'm looking for and its wrong for me to expect him to.

I realized he's just like my mom in that he just doesn't or can't feel like that. And I've let her off the hook after years of never feeling like she cared for me, so I can probably let him off the hook too.

I have a decision to make, but its my decision and I have time.

I know these are weird things to say, but like I said...I was feeling all the feelings you expressed and then..poof...I wasn't.

I hope you can find peace and a place to breath and realize you're loved.