Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How do you stop feeling crazy?

I am new to this so please bear with me...

I am 37 and my H is 30. We have been together 11 1/2 years and just got married July 30, 2008. Many things have happened in the past year, H got a promotion to manager at 30/married/renovations on home/dog died in September...

On October 12, 2008, H was different...he seemed angry...I asked what was going on and he dropped the bomb. He doesn't love me any more, he hasn't for a long time, he wants to be alone....I tried to convince him to stay/begged/tried to change the things bothering him, etc. Bottom line is that things are good, then he flips on a dime.

What adds to the story is that in August, he met OW at a golf tourney...she works for the same company, but in a different city. By November, she was calling him on the weekend and by December, he spent a whole weekend helping her move from one city to another, which is now closer to where we live. He stayed alone with her at her home, but does not consider it inappropriate. I have asked him about her, but he says they are just friends....but she wants him. He says that they have not crossed the line, but emotionally YES they have. There is more than he is saying to me...

I did some DB coaching and it seemed to help. H came home and we had a great New Years and whole month of January. H went back to work out of town and to see her and he flipped overnight (Feb.13/09) Next day he was done again. This was after we had been looking at new houses together, bought a new car, registered for a marathon in April....

I have searched history on his computer and right up to that point he had been looking at things for us, long term. Next day, he was looking at places for himself, etc. I figured it out and he was looking at birthday gift for her, cheap by personal. He ended up buying Rockband for XBox for her, which is expensive, but impersonal. All of this I found out by snooping, not through him.

The hardest part is that he has been away all weekend where she is and I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. We have had no communication and my mind is assuming the worst.

I think that my husband is in full MLC. This OW is out to take him (she has been married twice and she is 34. Both husbands ended up cheating on her?) For all intents and purposes, she is a knockoff of me, other than he can tell her work stuff that she can relate to. When he is with her, he has no responsibility.... while I am here trying to hold our home together.

What I need to know is how you stop the crazies! How do you block out the insanity that you feel? The anxiety? My mind can write the craziest stories for me and I feel nuts. I am in counselling and seeing my doctor once a week, but that doesn't seem to help the times when you are alone.

I want to save my marriage...when things are good, they are really good. When he goes off the rails, I am on a runaway roller coaster. I don't know how to do it? How do you save your marriage and stay sane.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I feel so alone in this...

Hi,

I just found this post. It must have fallen through the cracks. Sorry it took 3 days to get a response. It may also have taken a while to get a response because what you are asking is one of the hardest things to do. This crap makes us CRAZY.

How did I deal with it??? Well initially...beer and Xanax. Sure works in the short term but it is NOT the solution. Having a plan is what helped combat the crazies. Getting a plan gives you something else to focus on. Get a plan to get yourself and your situation together so you can feel in control. You found your way here, so that is a step. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If you haven't, do it.

Next, STOP SNOOPING! You already know as much of the ugly truth as you need. The snooping gives your mind fuel to write those crazy stories. You can find things through snooping that can be mis-interpreted or taken out of context. All snooping ultimately does is make you crazy. You can never confront him with the snooping because you just wind up outing yourself. So, you wind up with this intel just gnawing at your guts.

Lastly, get a life (GAL). This concept is hard for newbies to grasp. Get yourself as healthy and beautiful as possible, inside and out. If you can keep yourself busy and more or less happy with other activities, it does two things, it helps clear your head and ease your anxiety and you begin to realize that you are having fun without your spouse! So if you get to keep him, great, if not, well you still have a life. That life will go on, and you will be OK. The worst that can happen is you are now hot, healthy and centered, ready to take on the world, together or alone. I know it sounds so Oprah but it really works.

All I can say is THANK YOU!

I have been feeling very alone in all of this. Any form of support is greatly appreciated!

Point taken about the snooping...it definitely does me no good! It just makes my mind go to places it shouldn't be.

I have been working on GAL. I try to go out every evening...just to be out. I am very good at predicting his moods now and know when to leave. Last night he started to discuss the financial aspect of him leaving (I own most of the assets and we are to list the home soon). The topic made me uncomfortable, so I told him I was going out for a bit. Made me feel better. That way no anger or fighting.

Again, I really appreciate your words of wisdom.

Can I ask how your situation is going/worked out?

You can ask me anything you like. The answers might make you squirm but fire away.

My marriage was nearly over. My wife was dabbling with a guy 17 years her junior. He was her soul mate (gag). She was biding her time until the school year ended so the divorce would not disrupt the kids too much. I learned this all through...snooping (I'm sure you're laughing at that one). Then I disclosed the snooping and made things worst.

That was 2 years ago. We have worked our way back from "over" to a reasonably loving though sex starved/challenged relationship. Sadly we are still trying to work past the strange issue that now, she wants young strange men and her mate of 20+ years is the boring same old same old. Somewhere I have a thread in Newcomers with WAY too much information in it. Some here find it fairly amusing.

I carry on reasonably well by following the advice I outlined in my previous post. To be fair though, it took me nearly a year and a half before I really started feeling well enough to be OK one way or the other.

Thank you for your honesty.

If you can believe it, I don't think my husband is having sex with the OW, but he is certainly having an emotional affair. I think she is pushing for the sex, but she is physically not really his type. He is so confused though, that it is just a matter of time before he crosses that line.

My husband is young and immature. He came into the relationship with nothing and I had everything (the irony is now that he makes more than me by a ton and if we split, I lose out big time). He benefited by me having assets, but now that is one of his issues. He feels like nothing was ever his/he never came first/I never showed him enough love.... Those are the things he likes to blame me for, but he never remembers what he says half the time. I REMEMBER EVERYTHING HE SAYS...

My husband also looks at porn..a lot of online porn. Sex used to be an issue for us, but about 2 years ago, things got a lot better. We were also trying for children before the bomb hit.

This one might make you squirm..again with my snooping, I found out that my husband had registered us for a swingers website!!!! Wow!!!! Not something we have discussed at all and the questions keep going from there. Why register us if he is planning on leaving? Is that what this whole thing is about is sex addiction and his need for more? This is the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night and CRAZY!!!! It is so hard not to confront him on that one!!!!

How many times has your wife flipped on a dime before she finally decided to stay and work? I keep getting the standard line that "I just want to be alone and have no responsibility. I am selfish". Yet, who goes away for the weekend with the OW and who keeps coming to me for sex? Not someone who really wants to be alone?!

Again, I really appreciate your honesty and the sounding board. It is so hard to try to tell this kind of stuff to your friends (who love you but have opinions and judge). If you haven't been through it...you just don't get it. Sigh...

Having re-read your thread, I have to say he is having sex with her. He helped her move (that earns sex in my book right there), all weekend, then stayed over?!

He is flipping back and forth because he is deciding what to do. You or her. He gets home with you, his head clears a bit. He is good with you. He gets with her and he gets his affair high going again and he is done with you. The fact that he still warms up to you is huge! Do not get desperate or clingy. Buckle in and prepare for some bumps.

Run to find a poster named Puppy Dogs Tails. He is the guru with this stuff.

The porn is the least of your worries. I will write to you about that tomorrow.

Hi, you have come to the right place for help. However, I am afraid you are not going to like what we may have to say. First you asked how to get rid of the craziness. You have to get your focus off your husband and onto you and what you are doing to get a life you enjoy that doesn't include him. Your friends, hobbies, etc. You need to spend a lot of time working out and improving your appearance b/c it is good for your self-esteem. You may look hot, but all of us can use a shot in the arm for ego's sake and striving to look better will do it.

I have to agree that your H is having sex. It is a hard fact to face, but when you add everything up, what would be holding him back? It is not his faithfulness to a great M b/c he wouldn't be spending the night at OW's, looking a porn, and signing you up for swapping partners, or whatever it was....if that was the case. It sounds like he has almost gone off the deep end unless he has always been like this in the sex department. I think his wide mood swings means he is into something, maybe more than you thought, so brace yourself.

What I don't understand is why he stayed with you all those years and the minute you marry him, he is ready to jump ship. Anyway, he may or may not be in MLC, but I think he is addicted to sex. You don't have to be having the physical act (I don't think) to be addicted and he already was into porn heavily and one thing goes into another. It is going to get really bad before much longer if you don't call his hand on it. Once he starts having sex with OW outside of the M, he is a goner.

You need to approach him with the knowledge you have a set your boundaries with what you will put up with and what you will not live with. Don't compromise your standards just to hold on to a husband!

Take care,
Sandi

I agree with everyone so far. I'm so sorry. I'm going to add one more thing that is going to be scary and hard to hear, but very important. Please stop having sex with him until you know what is going on. You need to worry about STDs. Again, I'm so sorry.

Hi guys,

I totally appreciate everyone's honesty, as painful as it is to listen to.

I agree that he is off the deep end. Our relationship was going fine and then the marriage. He did not meet this woman until a month after our marriage and 2 months later he dropped the bomb ....coincidence? I also think she moved closer to us so that she could see him more. There have been many nights when I wanted to drive there and confront, but what does that serve? I get in trouble for hurting her (because I am so angry I probably would).

I have not and would not have unprotected sex with him...I have no trust for him. The first thing I did after the bomb was go get tested. I may feel crazy but am not stupid...thank god.

I look forward for anymore insight from you guys. I am just trying to get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other to get through the day...it just sucks on all levels, but I am really grateful to all of you!

(((Yayoo)))

I would have to agree with the others, I would think that things have gone to physical, I am sorry to say.
What jumped out at me was your H registering on a swingers site, my h did the same thing, and I thought it was for us(not that I am remotely interested) but now I think about it, i don't believe it was, it was for them.

Be prepared for the roller coaster, because thats what it will be for awhile, he will go back and forth, and he will rewrite your entire history in order to feel better about what he is doing.
Just let things go in one ear and out the other as much as possible, and try to stop snooping, because all it will do is hurt you more!