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You probably also read in that book that men feel hurt but it is often expressed as anger because they have been taught not to show hurt feelings.

I am surprised by how much anger I have, though I am careful to vent most of it here.

I know from a recent conversation (and many unpleasant interactions) from my W that she has a lot of anger as well, but for her own reasons. It was a revelation to find out that her counselor was telling her the whole 7 yrs. of our marriage to simply have sex with me when she was suffering the effects of rape trauma which were to a large degree not addressed.

The counselor never brought me in and said 'You know, your wife is struggling with issues unrelated to you. Here's how you can help her feel safe and intimate, etc...'

Instead, my wife tried to tell me what she needed by using comparisons, passive/agressive behavior, rejection when I approached her in the wrong way, which in turn made me feel unwanted and rejected.

On top of it she tells me other crucial info about what she wanted in intimate situations only after she leaves me.

So I feel like I was largely in the dark for our whole marriage about what she needed re: this issue.

And that adds to the injustice I feel about the whole situation.

She did, until she got snow in her pants! Oh well, I used to live in Asheville, NC as a kid and we had about a dozen snow/sledding days so I got wet and cold a lot....its just part of the fun!

Kenn, I have been focused on work the last few days. The future of the economy has me concerned....

I will say that as far as W is concerned, she is acting completely disengaged. She doesn't even call to tell her D goodnight, though she hasn't seen her in 3 days.

Sometimes I get the feeling that she would rather just forget that she was ever married or had a kid. She is more interested in living single.

I can understand why, theoretically. She got married at 25, had not really spent much time after college as an independent single (though she was really glad to be out of the dating pool and married at the time).

During our M, I took over more and more of the responsibilities of childcare and household duties, since she was dropping the ball on all of it, so she eventually assumed the role of dependent, and I became more of a parent/authority figure in her mind.

So somewhere she realized that she needed to take responsiblity, but chose to do it without me.

She has a hell of a lot of issues with controlling people (her mother being the primary one) in her past R patterns. I imagine her passivity put me in a mode of having to take control or else see our daughter unparented and the house a continuous mess and our finances down the tubes.

I have years of anger for her having decided to abandon me and our D.

Stepping back, it really doesn't look good for us reconcilling. I mean, she would have to have some real aha moments about her own behavior, and I don't see that happening yet.

Furthermore, she does not attempt to make herself look appealing at all. She can be very attractive just by adding a smile and some minor attention to her clothing, but right now everytime I see her she seems lifeless and bland. So I don't really find her attractive right now.

This is all to say that I expect I will file for divorce come August 10th. I told her she had the year of seperation, after that all bets were off.

Will it wake her up, or will she sign the papers? IDK, but I eventually need to make a final decision so I can move on, despite how much I would want it to work out otherwise.

I just want to thank everyone for checking in on me, posting and responding. Many times I am just journaling here, to get out my frustration, but its nice to have feedback as well. I appreciate other people's POV's.

I went out tonight. Had a decent time, but am unprepared to re-enter singledom. I need a group of intellegent 30-40 somethings to hang with. I am preparing for divorce. W hasn't made any real progress towards becoming a real human being. Hard to see her side of things always. Wish she had given clear warning b4 blowing the whole thing up.

Truth is, I'm tired of who she has become. She thinks she is all grown up and mature, but she is a self centered loser. She thinks she is intellectually superior, but she has no idea the worlds of reality she is ignorant of.

How do you talk to someone who doesn't even speak the same language? There are things I just don't even attempt to broach as I know it is too difficult for her. She is stuck in 'rightthink' and the confederacy of dunces that is the college campus she works in.

Ok, that last rant was after three beers. I'm ok now. Well, I guess I am angry still. I don't know how to get past this anger really. I guess I need to see a counselor.

Hi native, Good to see that you are still posting. I am still reading along and am here to offer support. I understand that this must be extremely difficult for you especially when you have your D to think about as well.

I don't really know what to say about your W. Only that especially with the WAS, the last thing they want to deal with is reality. And some people just don't deal with reality well anyway. Your W seems to have a lot of anger as well. She cannot be angry at herself and you are unfortunately the closest one to her, so she feels it's ok to spew her anger at you. Try to remember that and that she has not come to terms with the reality of the choices she has made. Until the anger subsides from both sides you cannot move forward - not in M anyway. I think you see this, you have gotten her pattern down very well.

How is detaching going?? There's a detaching poem on here, that really helped me focus & let go. Sorry to say, but for me, agreeing to divorce my H, has been a huge weight lifted off of me. To finally realize that the struggle, the one sided struggle is over. But for me, I have far less invested in my M. Yet, in the end you have to do what is best for you & your D. You cannot control, save, protect or fix your W.

Keep working on you, that is the key!

Msm,

If it weren't for my D, I would have given up long ago.

Tonight, as I took her to her Mom's house (she rents about three blocks away), I looked at the drawings she had made for her mom. One was a family of deer. The nuclear family was a theme that often appeared in her drawings. A mommy, a daddy and a baby. I asked her about the deer and she explained that it was the mommy and the baby and that the mommy had divorced and married a new daddy..........uuuuggghhhhhh!

I wonder if W has been talking about this to her....

In spite of that, I went in and talked to W about D and some behavior issues (lying) and her cousin who lives here with me.

Our conversation was relaxed and congenial and we confronted a lying episode together as parents that happened moments later ( D dunked kitten in the tub and claimed it was an accident).

Overall, there was no tension in the air and you would be hard pressed to imagine some of the things I have told you about here.

I have been reading some things that have helped me see things a little bit differently lately, and that have helped me to move past some of the anger. I will post more on that later.

I am both sorry and glad that you have been able to come to some sort of resolution with your H. I hope and expect much better things to come your way, because you are a wise woman with a good heart. Unfortunatly for me, my saga is far from over though....I don't envision an end coming till mid Fall or later.

Hey Native,

How goes life. I just got finished 7 days with my daughter. it was fun. She did manage to talk me into Chucky Cheese one day (ARGH!) but she loved it. how are you guys doing. my alien still lives. I can't understand but the relationship between my daughter and wife continues to melt down. It is really sad. Then I wonder why I care. I know it's because of my daughter and a still too overwelliming care for my spouse. It's tough to deal understand.

Liked your comment about the 30-40. You would think with the number of people you hear and see this happen too there would be a bigger crowd out there. But then again wheneve I think about dating I just don't have the enthusiasm which as a friend told me - means I'm not ready yet

Just checking in to say hi and hoping you and daughter are enjoying each other.