Yay on the hot dress. I hope the meeting goes well. You're always so good at the face to face interactions that I'm sure it will. Just be your usual bright and sunny self.
Well today was the big meet up... only it turned out to not be that big. The things we were going to discuss i.e. the proceeds split from the house did not get discussed. H forgot to bring the forms (he only realised that halfway on the bus) with him and wasn't forthcoming with 'free' discussion on the matter. I debated whether to bring it up myself as I was 'ready' to talk about it but I decided not to because he wasn't in the best mood and I don't think it was really the right time plus there will be time enough in the future.
So, it ended up we just met for lunch, which was fine. When I got there he had a right mood on and it was really hard work on my part. I thought this boded badly for our discussion which made me nervous but I concentrated on keeping my speech slow and not show it.
He opened up and settled down after a few minutes and it got easier. We had general work discussions and he made a really helpful suggestion for my pay rise endeavours. I gave him lots of encouragement over some interviews he is going for and discussed tactics for the interview. We just made general chit chat and I controlled myself when he used the phrase 'home' for his new flat because that gets me every time and everything was light. He paid for the main meal and then it came to ordering dessert and I asked him if he wanted one (this would have been his perfect excuse to politely end the meet up if he had wanted to - I expected a 'I have to get back to work' comment) but he said he wanted one and I paid for that. We were together about an hour and a half which was positive as for the first time for about 19th months I haven't felt like work comes above me. When we left he looked like he was going to hug me or something but didn't really know what to do so I just smiled and said goodbye and he said 'see you soon'. Next time I may try a touch of the arm as an experiment.
I was looking quite foxy in a total 180 outfit and was bubbly (perhaps talked a bit too much, I seem to have a tendency to do that it feels like) and discussed how well I was doing at work etc. He was fine, nice and everything but he was quite hard work but I am *not* taking it personally and being disappointed. He said that he was really tired and I accept that was the reason and that is fine. Before I would have taken the blame on myself for not being 'good enough'.
I felt really tired afterwards as I had built myself up for a big discussion but it was fine to just meet for lunch. It felt like friends meeting up and that is fine. I have to say though the thought of ow does still 'get' me, it's a bitter taste. Sometimes I see flickers of old h in a smile or look but mostly he does seem to have a 'dead' look. Whether or not that is general or reserved for me who knows. That is for him to work through...
At work the other day they were talking about how circumstances can affect healing and getting well form illnesses. They described it as living under 'vexatious circumstances'. I just loved that phrase... I feel like I have been and am living under vexatious circumstances, luckily now I am seeing an end to the tunnel.
(((Lisa, Kassie))) thanks for visiting and for your encouragement
GOOD JOB!!!! I am SO proud of you!!!! You handled it SOOOO well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I especially like how you didn't pressure him or yourself to have the "big talk" when he was in a bad mood because YOU KNEW THERE WOULD BE MORE TIME LATER. I struggle with that so I am especially admiring of you doing that. And the 180 outfit-- the dessert-- good job! Interesting observation about the "dead look"!
you sound so, so good. I can hear your strength coming out in your posts from deep, deep inside. Love the term "vexatious circumstances". I am so glad you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
Julia, you and W2G have the same title on your threads...
So, the meeting went well only you didnt talk about what you were supposed to... And it sounds you are DBing him and very nicely if I may add. Right? What are you goals? I've been reaidng but not posting much since my head is like mush lately, so forgive me if you mentioned that recently. xxx K
Hey Julia, That sounded amazing! How do you do that, I'm with Mish, I need to be more calm and collected like you! I sort of didnt get why you ended up meeting then (just for a chat/lunch?) if he knew he had forgotton the paperwork? I took taht as some sort of 'good sign' a;lghough I dont know what of, but that he didnt cancel and say, he would rearrange when he DID have the paperwork, hey. So you didnt discuss business at all??
And I agree, he coul dhave left after the main meal, but chose to stay talking. Any idea why he was 'hard work' on in a bad mood, did he say anything ? (like, work is bothering him, etc).
So yes.. whats the next step??
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thank you all, your posts made me smile. It is so great to have encouragement!
I have to admit I did have a wobble not knowing whether to bring up the house split or not but I texted it to Lisa instead
I have to say the meeting has affected me more than usual; I have been struggling today a bit which made me cross with myself. But I thought I would give myself a break and allow myself to feel sh*t for a day, after all it is stressful at the moment with the house stuff and work is busy. I had a bit of a wobble before I came home, basically not wanting to return to this house alone but of course I had to and it was fine once I got home - the cat is being especially cute tonight. I actually wanted to cry - I thought wow - that would be a really good release - but I was on a packed tube train home so I couldn't and now of course I don't want to.
He did have a dead look for sure and kept going quiet. I did ask him if he was ok and he said yes, just really tired. He had been out of the office doing spot checks yesterday and it had really taken it out of him. I do think that was probably why he was slightly hard work. I have noticed that he seems to respond well if I ask him how he is or show concern, his eyes always soften.
I actually met some goals in this meeting - we actually had a social meeting rather than business - even if it was unintentional. - he did not put work above me - I felt he had devoted time to me - I did not blow up at him not bringing the papers and I think he now knows I won't hence him not cancelling the meeting. - he is being helpful and responding to texts/ emails in good time. - we have easy, non-pressured, 'free' chat. - I feel confident and that he is not in the position of power. We are equals again in the relationship we have.
If I were to carry on DBing my goals would be - I would like to have some more meetings that aren't just about business. - I would like him to feel comfortable enough to touch me again, even if it is just a touch on the arm to say goodbye. - I would like him to ask me for my opinion and help like he used to and for us to share ideas.
However, this will take a great deal of emotional effort to carry out and I am kind of scared as I had felt really detached and for some reason this meeting has 're-attached' me. I don't want to prolong my agony, as it were. I was doing just great before this. Is it worth it I guess and I am not sure any real progress is being made.
