Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Expose the Affair?

All this sounds about right. Of course, even with kids she and I would do things together often (going to the mall, zoo, museum, etc.) but she started hanging out with OM just to get drunk, dance to music, etc. I don't see how it doesn't get old... he sits in his garage night after night, playing the same CDs over and over, drinking until he passes out, talking crap about me, repeat ad infinitum.

Of course, when all this started she had just a couple of things she considered abusive (punched a wall one time, and she said I tried to "drown" her because I yelled when she was in the bathtub one time... so yeah) and we spoke to our pastor together.

Now she's coming up with all kinds of other stories to pretend things were happening that were not. There is no evidence, just innuendo, lies, and rewriting of our marital history.

By kicking off a war, she has contracted the way I've been able to react to her. (Look at the timeline)

However, we were together (dating/married/etc.) for nearly 5 years. She was fully aware of my prior custody situation, and fully aware of how it affected me - and hated the people that put me through it. She doesn't see the irony that she is doing the exact same thing.

When this started, I offered to mutually D, offered to go along with what she wanted, just asked for joint custody. But she couldn't accept a no-fault divorce - she wanted to drag me through the mud in front of everyone, to justify her actions and behavior.

So then I responded in kind with actual evidence. Now she's in a tailspin, the lies are churning out in overtime, and I'm basically in a position where I'm pre-emptively protecting myself from claims of abuse by running hidden video/audio recordings.

I've gone dark, I communicate strictly about our D(1) and then just ask how she is, and do not respond to what she sends.

This morning she text-messaged me about paying for half of a doctor bill. I'm going to, but I didn't respond to her because she didn't ask a question. I'm basically cutting her out of my life.

Even when she visits, she doesn't knock. She uses her house key, walks in, makes herself at home - whether sleeping on the couch, using my restroom, or whatever. I don't say anything, although I've asked her to start knocking - she ignores that.

Meanwhile, the house looks 1000 times better than when she left, all her belongings are stacked and bagged neatly for her to retrieve, and I'm basically taking care of all the things she neglected when she was here.

I'm making the home more inviting, I'm taking on the responsibilities she normally handled, and I'm not tooting my own horn about it. I am making it clear that I am capable of moving on without her, and for right now I think she is glad to see that.

But eventually the shine will wear off her new relationship, she will see me happy, content, and moving forward, and then she will have second thoughts. Her A may not outlast the D if it continues being adversarial (as it shows signs of being), and I'm trying to use what techniques I can from the DR book to limit my pressing of the negative button. I'm not sure how to hit any sort of positive button right now, because now isn't the time.

All that being said... her actions are making reconciliation less likely because they show a complete lack of character, and a complete failure of her moral compass. This isn't the person I married. She is basically her version from the Star Trek Mirror Universe. She is acting completely opposite of how she used to be (her very own 180), but generally just in front of me. Around everyone else she is pulling the "but I don't know why 'he' doesn't want to work together..." card and making out that the adversarial process is my fault.

In this case... exposure is more and more of a liability except where it helps to protect me from her false claims.

I promise (I think) that this will be the last.

I am sure if I were wearing the LBS shoes and my WAS had an A and told lies on me and slandered me publicly, then I would not think twice about letting the A be known. This is not "turning the other cheeck" and may not be considered good DBing, but I know "me" well enough to know what I would not sit by and allow my name dragged through the mud if my own S was out having an A. However, what I posted earlier was written with the understanding that that sort of "payback" behavior was not being passed back and forth. I think under those conditions....it does turn into a war zone when the couple is trying to see who gets the last hit.

I am not saying what is right or wrong in anyone's particular stitch. As one person explained, one size doesn't always fit all. I think everyone has to figure it out for themselves. We can give our advice or opinions, but then the individual person has to do what they feel is right based upon their stitch, their belief system, and all that has happened during the ordeal. Sitting at our computers and giving advice--and living in their shoes--are two very different things. Most of us have been on one side or the other of this fense we're talking about. Neither side is pretty nor does it feel good (even if the WS would like to pretend that it does). I want you who are, or have been, the LBS to know that it was my reading about your pain and the shattered lives the WAS left behind that actually taught me more about my own personal stitch from my H's POV--than he ever told me. He has not talked about it until this day. Yes, it hurts when I read some of the things said out of anger and bitterness from some of you, but I know it is from the gut wrenching pain that you have experienced that causes you to feel that all WS's are terrible.

I would not attempt to defend the wayward spouse to excuse them to have an affair! I only want to say that for a few of us, it was not something we ever dreamed would happen and we do know we caused terrible pain. Some of us may want to give an "excuse" of why we were weak and fell into the fantasy...... but we know that it was wrong and there is no excuse....period. I hope that in spite of our "sin" it does not make all of us who strayed a "terrible" human being and that we can have a chance to once again be the person we once were.....if that is possible.

I believe for you, the LBS, you will always have some scar tissue in your heart from the terrible experience of being betrayed, even if your M turns out fine or you are able to move on. That is when I have to look in the mirror and tell myself that no matter what means led me to get involved with the OM, it does not justify me hurting my H like I did.....and it never will. It causes me to feel so much shame about myself and all WAS. I wish I could say or do something to ease the pain for all of you who were done so awful, but I know that only God has that power to forgive the sinful (like me) and to heal the broken (the LBS). I hope that we will continue to strive to learn from one another about what to do in these situations and how to help the newcomers as we try to grow and heal in our own lives.

God Bless You All,
Sandi

I used to say if my husband had an affair the marriage would be over. It would end immediately. But one thing I've learned (and this is just my personal experience), sometimes a person doesn't really know how they will react and what they will do until they actually live through it.

And another other thing I've learned... just because something does end immediately, that does not mean it might not resume at a later date. Although there's never guarentees about anything, time can, and often unexpectedly does, change things...



But was the success, or lack of success, due to who knew or didn't know, or what people outside of marriage thought or did not think... or was it because there was something that split the M apart in the first place (an affair, lies, anger, nutty behavior, etc... on both sides...) and didn't deal with the struggles, learn to work through things, forgive each other for past mistakes, and then move forward to create something new?

^

In hindsight I exposed the affair too late for it to have much of an impact. I had enough evidence, but with the other issues involved and the adversarial process the waters have been muddied.

I also didn't know then what I know now.

So... to expose or not to expose? It depends on your situation, and I think both sides to the debate have valid points. Each situation is different, and for some exposure might end the affair. For others it might drive a further wedge in between the LBS and the WAS.

In my situation I don't think it made much of a difference other than to rattle W and cause her to make legal mistakes.