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PortlandDad, I am so sorry that you are faced with this latest discovery. I wonder if your W knew what statutory rape was at the time. She seems lacking in morals. In her current crazy state, dont let her drag you and the kids down with her.

I too have looked back on my marriage and wondered whether my XW married me just to get a green card. I know that she would not have had children with me if that was the case.

It all hurts, but try to put the past behind you.

My W had a brief PA a number of years ago. I never knew about it, and she ended it quickly, but has felt guilty about it ever since. She told me about 2 years ago, on the advice of her C, because keeping the secret was destroying her ability to have a close R with me.

I would think that the stunning part is that she told your family, and then did not tell you soon thereafter - not that it has been 12 years. After the first days of shamefully keeping the secret, it would get only harder and harder for her to tell you - because then she has to explain not only the act, but the delay in telling you.

Have you thought about it that maybe, the fact that she has been keeping this secret for 12 years is a part of what is preventing her from being close to you now? Maybe if she were to find out that you now know about it and you don't overreact and the two of you can talk about it calmly, it would help your current sitch.

I am not at all saying you should back down or let her walk on you, but you were to be strong, rational and open about it, it might help remove a barrier to you getting back together.

Rose-colored glasses. We all come on here wearing rose-colored glasses when it comes to the WAS. Turns out, when we find our feet, that our spouse really isn't all that. Sometimes, when we face the truth honestly, our spouse needs a ton of work and we shouldn't take them back anyway, until he/she has worked through the issues they have. Your wife hasn't just left you...she left her kids. That ought to tell you something without even adding in that she slept with a child (I'm sure he got some mileage out of that bragging session), she slashes herself, and she has absolutely no sense of responsible spending.

I'm jumping the gun a few months. Spring of '98 would put it at 11 years ago; we moved into the new house in the fall of 97. My D12 was born in California, so the PA was definitely after.

I'm definitely not letting her take this family apart any more than she already has. While it is possible that she is feeling guilt or shame over what happened all those years ago, I really don't think it is a part of her current psychology. When I look back at the patterns of behavior, though, I can see as far back as 2006 where she started being in the mode of "take everything she can for herself", and when the lies and financial irresponsibility started surfacing.

PD you are spot on about rose-colored glasses. When I started writing this sitch and posting here, I was blissfully ignorant of a lot of my W behavior. All I wanted was her back with our family and I would have done anything to make that happen. I was crying all the time, depressed, and even had the odd suicidal thought from time-to-time. Over the weeks and months that this has played out, and as I have learned and uncovered more about her dealings and her lies and deceptions, I have had my own awakening.

I think I read it on a thread on these forums somewhere: if you were to meet your current Sp in a bar, would you want to take them home? I can honestly say, without equivocation, that I would not. Maybe if and when she comes back asking for my forgiveness and showing true remorse for abandoning her kids, and exhibiting real effort to work on our marriage... then maybe.

Until and unless that time comes, I have stuff to do and a family to raise!

Well you know the past is past. Right now you're feeling empowered but don't let it get to your head. Remember you also had the EA AND flaunted it in front of her.

Then you ignored her all those years.

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you still want to save your M, you just need to honestly talk and listen to your W and not have an ego trip over her.

That's what got you here in the first place.

I don't really think I'm feeling empowered at the moment. I'm still a single parent raising three kids alone, with all the itinerant feelings of inadequacy that comes with it. When I say that my W practically raised the kids by herself, I am not exaggerating. I am having to learn to be a parent... definitely a silver lining to this whole sordid mess.

Yes I did flaunt an EA in front of her; an act that I have repeatedly and constantly expressed remorse and sought her forgiveness for. I cannot and will not defend my neglect of her for all those years. I am as much, or more, to blame for my sitch as my W is.

I think I'm looking at this situation as realistically as I can. My kids need me and they need me firing on all cylinders. My W is unavailable to them and me right now. Since I cannot control her actions, nor prevent her from seeing whomever she pleases, nor spending as much of her money as she has at her disposal, I must be content with controlling the things that I can: myself and my kids.

I still love my W; she is still an important person in my life, but as she currently is, she is not the person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I will listen to her when she wants to talk; I will be here when she is ready to pick up the pieces. I am just removing those rose-colored glasses and being realistic that it might not ever happen.

That's good. For a second there it sounded like you needed a dose of humility. We're all only human after all.

Since you want to continue to save your M, then stick that mental picture in your head. Picture what your ultimate family would be like and hers. Visualize, then burn that image in. Keep your eyes on that prize and you won't find yourself being on the roller coaster as much.

Hi stuck, yeah I do need a dose of humility.

I do want my M to work, but I realize that it is my W that needs to change the most to make that happen. I am making the changes and GAL that I needed to do so that we can eventually reconcile, but as I said before: right now she is not the person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, and the changes that need to happen in order for that to happen are largely on her right now.

My perfect family would have the two of us make the following changes.

Me
==
1. Need to be more attentive.
2. Need to be more helpful around the house.
3. Need to prioritize my W and Kids above work and play.
4. Need to be more motivated and take more responsibility.
5. Need to be more loving to my W.

Her
===
1. Need to be more truthful and transparent.
2. Needs to come home.
3. Needs to want to work on the M and Family.

I am handling the changes that I need to make, both for myself and for my ideal family scenario. I have to put my faith in God that she will make the changes, eventually, that she needs to make.

Right now you're putting alot of the onus on her. Based on what you were doing you were the one who needed to change first which I'm glad you're doing, but right now you're reaping what you were sowing.

She's in the position of the neglected spouse and it's obvious to see why. In fact some of it was emotional abuse that she's trying to shake off.

Give her time, make the interactions you have with her pleasant and friendly like you did when you first dated. It's going to be a very long road and it's up to you whether or not you are strong enough to hang on.

You're the one who wants to fix things quickly when it's taken years of her sacrificing to get to this point. It will take a long time for healing to even begin on her point. I believe someone said it takes one month for every year of marriage for things to heal and that's only if BOTH people want the M. Right now you're not even close.

Just stay patient and I hope you hang in there long enough for things to work out.

Thanks for the perspective. Life with me was no picnic, and that's a fact. I'm not a character that a person can have much sympathy for considering how I treated my W for many years. You are right that fixing this is not going to be quick or easy.

She has definitely put up with a lot and sacrificed a lot in her life for me and our family, both of which I am very grateful to her for doing. She has been a pillar of strength for our kids, and a powerful, controlling force in my life.

BUT... despite all the positives that I say about her, it does not in any way diminish the feeling of betrayal and pain that I feel that she had an A on me. These feelings are mine alone, and the pain that it causes is also mine. I will bear what I have to bear in the hope that it makes me a stronger, better person when it is all said and done.

She is still having her A with the OM, all the while lying to me, and her mom and dad, and trying her best to covering it up. She is living her complete fantasy life and spending the money that I foolishly gave her. When she started running out of money, she sold our expedition for a pittance so she could buy more stuff.

I am definitely in this for the long-haul. I do keep things cordial and upbeat when I do talk to her, but those calls are few and far-between. In fact, since she left earlier this week, I have only talked to her once (and that was to confront her about the PA she had waaaaay back in the early days of our marriage). I know what I need to do; unfortunately the future of our M is at the whim of a emotional teenager who is currently in the throes of a major crush with the OM.