Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers RE-POST HUSBAND NO LONGER LOVES ME

Regrets,

It's great to have goals but look at the three you have picked.....they are ALL about things you want to get your H to do for you.

Those may be impossible things to achieve as you have no control over them. Set yourself goals you can achieve that MAY bring about the things you list below that you want to happen. Those goals may be for example:-

1. Ensure that when I talk to my H I am upbeat and positive
2. I will try to smile and look happy around my H
3. I will make sure the TV is not on when H gets home

The above are all things YOU can do and they may lead to the end results you listed.

Set goals you control and can achieve so that you feel you are progressing and you may get the outcomes you desire.

I don't feel I am explaining this very well. I guess I am saying look at changes you can make rather than trying to control how your H acts.

You are and very good advise. I'll work on the upbeat and positive.

Thank you

Advice please. I'm working my way through the books. I'm giving trying to give H space at the moment. He is still in spare room, as I don't yet know what has happened, how should I handle the weekends? He has already told me he is out Fri & Sat.

Last sat he stayed out til half four, never done that before. I know he was at a friends house as others were there. Anyway, am I being a door mat if I object to him staying out? Do I even have a right to question him? I realise I can go out too, what I mean is, will it make it worse if I say something or will we grow apart if I leave it?

I'm thinking I should just say nothing, we have counselling the following Wed, I'm not expecting miracles either.

I feel like this is all out of control.

He kept texting so I took myself away upstairs and he came up and asked if I was watching the DVD. I said yes sorry will be down in a min. He said no it's fine was jut wondering. Anyway, he started with the texts again and I jut had to leave the room because I knew I was about to freak out. My para that it's another woman he is calling.

I just smiled and said I was tired so going to bed. It's like he is a stranger, we're like flat mates. Everything is so abnormal. I know it's early days. Need to slow down.

And breathe

I'm torturing myself here. Who has he told, what are his friend saying, how long has he felt like this, does he hate or pity me. I need a good slap in the face.

Pathetic carry on.

Regrets, your may say that you have forgiven your mom but I sense that there are major issues there and you are trying to brush it under the rug so you don't feel the pain of her betrayal. Yes, she betrayed your trust. I am not saying that you should not forgive her, but I think you need to have a real heart to heart and process your feelings about her and then to truly forgive her. Otherwise, this will be another point of contention in your R with her later on down the road.

But on another note, I think it's much better that everyone knows. You are under tremendous stress. To also keep a secret from others will put you under even MORE stress. One way of looking after yourself now is to simplify your life and destress. If everyone knows, then you don't have to put in so much effort to make everything seem perfect. I know, it's hard to be vulnerable in front of so many of your loved ones. It's a scary thing but if they truly love you, they will not turn away from you in your time of need, in fact, they will embrace and comfort you. So why put in so much effort to put up a front? I know you are trying to protect your H, I did exactly the same thing, it took me three weeks to get my courage up to talk with my Dad. But later on I found that I was not only trying to protect my H but also myself. It's misguided though. If they love you, your family would want you to find happiness, they would support you so don't worry about 'exposing' the unplesantness of your M. It's OK, take a chance, give your family the benefit of the doubt and a chance to show their support for you. BTW, just a guess, are you afraid that they won't support you and condemn you instead? If that is the case you know who has your best interest at heart and who doesn't.

It is good that your H still texts you but this is a sensitive time in your M, you need to stop all pursuing behavior. Stop the begging etc. If he texts you, great, respond but try not to give him the impression that you are chasing him because he will want to run away emotionally if not physically as well.

I think I have alot to say here.

First the goals you listed are great but those are actually the desired results of YOUR goals. Remember as hard as it is, YOU are the focus. YOU are the only one you can control. YOU are the only one who can make you happy. YOU have to do that for YOU so YOU can determine what YOU want and how long YOU will endure his crisis. If the things you stated happen, you can use that as a guage to see if what you are doing is working and if things are changing in your M.

Next, I like the term transitional crisis much better than MLC because MLC is a misleading term that implies a specific age in life.

Third, I know you need support but right now it might just be wise not to share any details with the family if you feel you can't trust them not to share with each other. Maybe just give them a general overview of your mood or sitch for a while. I found it was much easier that way for me just because I didn't want to have to rehash it with every person I spoke to and to be honest friends and family have a "stake" in your emotions and eventually they may try to give you advice that you don't want to hear, like just leave. And you have so much on your plate right now. Tackle getting yourself a little more on an even keel before you tackle the next issue.

Fourth, as much as it hurts and I know it does, you have to right now stop worrying about what he is doing or not doing. If he is texting someone, he is. If you press him on it, he will probably get angry or just do it more. Also, right now you have to accept the fact that there might be Ow be it Ea or PA. If not now, it could happen down the road. If that is something you think you can't survive, walk away now. But believe me, many of us have survived it, almost everyone on these boards in fact. You cannot say anything about him going out without running the risk of being seen as needy, pursuing, or interferring with what he is doing. I'm sorry to say that but it is true.

Go to the MLC forum and find 1Hope's threads. Hers is a shining example of a woman whose H took Alien to a new level and she came through like a shining star. It is not resolved yet but they are getting there. And you will learn a little about my story as well as a few others who seem sort of extreme. Although i'm sure if I went back through the archives I could find some that compare. It will give you some perspective on finding your own strenght and surviving. Anyway, I don't know if hers are linked but you can put her on your watched users list and then find all of her posts. That is easier than using the search feature.

I know I told you earlier that it has been since 2006 here. March 2006 is when I believe it was triggered. I too want everything fixed like yesterday but that is not the way it works. You will be better. Get some meds if you need them. You won't need them forever. I actually took Lexapro for a while. Helped me wonders while I worked through more issues than I knew I had. One thing I can tell you that I only learned through experience, and I've been with H 4times longer than you have with yours so definately experience, if you try to fix this with out going through it to the end, you will go through it again. Also if you do manage to fix it, you want to do it the right way. You don't want to just be grateful that he came back and end up not having dealt with your own stuff. You will go through more problems as a result of that. You have to do it the right way. Do the work, take the time. That is crucial to your mental health and survival even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

BTW-Very good job removing yourself from a situation that was making you uncomfortable. You are not a doormat and taking care of yourself proves it.

Thank you both. I'm not persuing him and I never text him first, I worry that this is the wrong thing to do. If I just had a reason for this behaviour.It's like one day he just woke up and decided we were't working for him anymore. I haven't tried to talk about our R for two days now. This morning I felt awful, he went to gym at 7am, he always goes after work.

He came in to say goodbye but looked sad, like he was getting fed up with me.

I'll try look up Ihope's threads again. Thanks

I'm so worried about the stag do he has coming up in a couple weeks.

I'm negative person. I think I've made this happen because it's always been my worst fear. I even said to him if we ever split up I hope we'd always be friends. Think it's because his ex was so horrible to him. Why did I say that? why on earth would he want to hear that. I've made this happen.

I'm going to try reverse it. I know I sound crazy here. Just need to ramble on.