Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis HORRID ! Help ! Forgive me Lord !

Hi Braveheart !

H was quite concerned actually, he slept bad last night...didn't tell me why, but when I went to his place this morning to pick up the kids he invited me in for coffee, and just before I left, he gave me a big hug and asked me if I was ok..I told him I was fine. Later I sent him a message saying ...Thanks for the coffee, I'm fine, and an experience wiser ...or not hahaha, have a good day...

He wrote back to enjoy my day out at sea and that fresh air would do me a world of good right now.

I sent him a message telling him, I had only freaked out and texted him as I had not exactly had safe sex last night...he wrote back concerned for me (as a man would be...yes, women seem to react different to this stuff..hahaha) Anyway, he told me to go get a morning after pil ASAP. I said I would.

I did. My friend (at the beach) came with me...and at least that is over and done with now. Good.
Doc's checking out the rest.

So, yes, I have decided these things happen and nobody is perfect. I feel kind of liberated and empowered ...and feel good about having let go a bit of my 'goody-two-shoe-personality' ! Boy, never thought I'd say this, but this is my REAL 180 hahahhaha !

Oh well, what's done is done, we learn, we move on !

And yes, next time a different ...better man...more my type and I'll be taking my time to get to know him first.

The guy I slept with, sent me a TM saying, he had had a great time with me, that he still considered me a friend, that he understands it's too soon (yes, I told him it was all too soon, I didn't want to hurt the poor guy...) and that I was welcome to call him anytime for affection ...(yikes) and that if I ever need help around the house as a handyman, he'll still be happy to come and help me out ! Incredible.

No self respecting woman would let a man sleep with her and then when dumped, would turn around and offer her services still ...

Oh well, I may never understand some things in life ! hahaha !

(((((hugs)))))

Cinders,

I still contend this guy is a player and will take it wherever he gets it. But it is pretty clear you were determined to make something like this happen, so we can't blame him too much for going along with it.

The problem isn't with you "cheating" in an M that has long been over, it is with how you are treating yourself.

This smacks of: treating-myself-so-badly-and-f***ing-a-stranger-will-be-just-the-trick-to-shake-H-up-and-make-him-come-home sex. There is no way such sex would be good.

As for not practicing safe sex, there is no acceptable excuse. If nothing else, think about your kids needing a healthy mother.

You will not know your HIV status for at least six months, so you might want to see if the guy will take an OTC HIV test that you pay for and mail to get his results yourself. In future, keep in mind that condoms do not offer protection against, for instance, Genital Herpes, which is carried by something like 20% of the population.

Take better care of yourself, you deserve it. And stop talking to STBX about your sex life, that is really very unhealthy enmeshment. Let go so you can have a good life.

OMG, Oldtimer, I'm afraid, you have this all wrong. It has nothing to do with making H want to come back....if anything I know that by having done this I've blown my chances with H. But it was never meant to be about that ! This was about ME and feeling special (or so I thought), he wasn't the one for me..nope. NOT everyone we meet is a possible relationship ! And about him being a player...I'm sorry, but he's not. I've seen where he lives, I know how hard he works and where and how many hours he has to put in it to earn a living. This guy WORKS to survive...he is by no means a player. If anything I played HIM. I wanted to feel good, to get attention, to feel wanted, to feel I still had it in me...and I got all that and more....but found out it's not worth anything if it's not coming from the right guy...and ALSO it's not worth anything if I'm not ready and healed !

I discussed this with my H, because even though I still call him H on these boards I have realised a while back that we are no longer in a marriage. He is in a relationship and I live alone with the kids. Those are the facts. I see H as a friend, confidant, buddy, and I think he is big enough to tell me if he does not want that kind of relationship with me, as I have often told him.

Anyway, my first thought was the kids, my first HORROR was 'what have I possibly done that may end up hurting these kids', so please don't tell me I have not considered them. All my life, I have been trying to live up to this 'perfect' image of what a girl, woman, mother, wife should be like...

I made a mistake. Yes a serious one. There are many of us who have made the same mistake. I could just as easily be diagnosed with cancer in 6 months as I could of aids...we do not know how long we have here...and even though, I KNOW that this will not happen to me again, for I have learnt my lesson, I also know that life doesn't stand or break from one mistake in life. (certainly not this kind of mistake....it's not like I killed someone and will spend the rest of my life in prison...)

I needed to do this for ME.

I needed to break free from ME, not H.

Please understand that.

OK Cinders, I believe you, mostly because you aren't angry, lol. It's like I told you that you were selling swamp land to martians, you just find my suggestion off-the-wall. If instead you were pissed-off and defensive, I'd know pretty well that I'd hit the mark.

Anyway, with the HIV stuff, my point was only to let you know that a negative test now does not put you in the clear. Thus, it would be nice for you to find out your "friend's" HIV status if he is willing to cooperate. A lot of people who have been off-the-market for awhile have a bit of a learning curve when it comes to this STD stuff.

As for whether H can "take it," that is really irrelevant. It still does not seem healthy for you to involve him in your sex life. For one thing, he is in an R with someone else, I believe. It really isn't appropriate for you to be telling a man who is in a romantic R with another woman about who you sleep with, is it?

Ok, language barrier again...are you saying you believe me - truly or that I am full of it...sorry, English is not my first language and sometimes, when it gets a little complicated, I'm not sure how to take things....would you mind repeating it in words I may understand ? ....

Sorry about that...

What is your first language?

OT isn't the type to be sarcastic. So I think "I believe" you means... I believe you. Just in case OT isn't around no reason to leave you in suspense.

PS. You are right about the HIV test. However he's leaving for a holiday in Asia tomorrow morning. He will be away for a few months. I will get tested myself too in 6 months.

About what H can and cannot take from conversations we have...I guess if he doesn't want to hear it, he'll tell me. I don't plan to do this all the time...discussing my sex life with him, but this time I guess it happened because he was the only one who knew I was out on a date. If it's not good for the relationship he has with his ow, then I'm sorry, but HE should tell me not to talk to him about it. I have discussed this with him as a friend, not a lover or wife. No great details were given either.

Thanks Jack !

Dutch is my first language, I speak Spanish and English as second languages...

I didn't want to 'jump on' OT, just wanted to know how it was meant, so thanks for that !