She feels the burden of rescuing her family all the time. She carried that over to me. I am a survivor of a very broken family, institutions and foster care.
When I fell apart she took care of me. I took advantage of that. Though I wanted to be her hero, I just could not break my dependence on her and "man up".
Wow! You revealed allot in that last post. Your asking this board for advice? You seem to already have a pretty good handle on this issue.
Not many Woman are going to be romantically attracted to a Man they feel like a Mother to. She needs to know she can lean on you to. She may even have a desire to follow at times. At the very least, she wants to walk side by side with an equal. I really do think she desires you to be that type. She's telling you that, but as you admit yourself, your not there. I don't justify her behavior, but I think her demands from you are valid.
Go where you can find steady work (hard in these times), be comfortable/content in your own skin. Change like this doesn't come in a short period of time. Your lucky at this point not to have kids. You have an opportunity to really reconcile your own personal past and move into a healthier relationship. Not only do I think you can attract her back to you, but I think you can discover strength in yourself you didn't know you had.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
That is what it looks like to me too. She is insisting on being the one to drive me to the airport Sunday morning. She promised that this time she will really take a look at herself.
I told her everything that I just shared with you and she cried and said it was true and she didn't even know that until I told her.
She has mentioned living with me again and then apologized and said she is sorry to say such confusing and conflicting things. (that she wants to be with me but that we can't be together)
She is so sad and she just sat holding on to me watching tv last night.
I wish we could skip the separation part and just get down to business.
The 3 days leading to my leaving were very interesting and intense. W has faced a lot of things in herself and has promised to really work on herself. & months ago it was in her mind ALL ME and she was not to blame for any of the breakdown.
She is telling me now that she really wants to be my wife and she has the same vision of us working this out as I do. However, I still have to be gone for her to sort out her mind, heart and all the other junk.
I hate that it has to be this way but we really made some serious headway in the past few days and I think I might be on the right path.
Okay but I need a bit of advice for dealing with the separation anxiety and how to survive the going dark period but everyone seems to have dissipated when I need them the most.
I am far from one of the sages around here. But here goes:
1. Keep doing what you're doing. She will let you know when she is ready for more. 2. Don't pursue. 3. Be positive, not needy. 4. Be strong, it's attractive. 5. Work on yourself.
I will end with this. Be prepared for things to not go your way. I am not in any way trying to rain on your parade. Just wait and see what she does and don't put too much stock in what she is saying other than to validate her.
It is possible she just wants you out of the house to get rid of the pressure. What she does will tell you the truth.
I tell you this because it helps to get off the roller coaster and being separated is hard. You will want to connect with her badly now. Stay your course you are doing great.
I'm sure others will have different view points but wanted to get you a response.
V
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
Okay but I need a bit of advice for dealing with the separation anxiety and how to survive the going dark period but everyone seems to have dissipated when I need them the most.
For me, I did a lot of working out, reading, going out with friends/family, occupational pursuits (joined toastmasters, educational opportunities, etc.), spent time with my 2 sons, recreation (basketball, golf, bowling), travel, and other trivial pursuits.
The key is taking the focus off her and putting it on you. At first it can be a little clumsy or off balance for you. Your always so use to doing things with significant other. At the very least your use to coordinating your separate activities with her. You no longer need to 'check in' or compromise your activities with her. This will actually be a pretty liberating thing for you after a while. I grew to enjoy it and still do after 3 and 1/2 years. I'm actually pretty shy about commitment anymore.
After a while, I got so use to doing 'my own thing' that I thought less and less about where she was or what she was doing. The anxiety dissipated.
Your going to have to start enjoying your own company again.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 03/04/0908:45 AM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
" I grew to enjoy it and still do after 3 and 1/2 years. I'm actually pretty shy about commitment anymore."
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you yet. Are you still hopeful? ________________________________ Last time we were in each others presence she looked into my eyes and told me that she wants to be my wife and to have children with me. She said she is working on herself and that she needs me to be able to be a stable and responsible man so that we can pursue a future. ______________________________
Have any couples ever actually gotten back together after this?
I am hopeful but really having a hard time knowing that she is still lost.
Wanted to give you a response. Separation sucks!!! To be brutally honest. And it's hard as every... but just for the first. I've been S from my H for 5 months now. It was so hard at first and I so wanted him back. Well, I started the s without knowing DB so at first I was pursuing, calling, texting my H. And sometimes we had ok conversations but he kept me at bay and it felt awful. It was only after starting DB that I see slight changes in his attitude towards me, and even better I feel much better. I won't lie, I still struggle with the NC and going dark, like right now it has been 4 days since talking to H and its hard for me. But what I also realized lately that when we are feeling detached, lonely, and missing them, our spouses are also feeling the same way. Granted it's a little better for them b/c they have someone else to run to so they have longer tolerance, but they also miss us. And I think that is the lonely feeling that they need to have. They need to feel that sense of loss as well. Granted I am struggle with this myself, but I know even though I don't always do it well, that when I contact/pursue my H, I am satisfy his need to be in contact with me without making any adjustments.
Now as far as it working and us getting back with our spouses, I have no idea. I get my panic attacks as well, and I get to feeling like it will never work. For me, one big fear is that this my H has a son with OW, and I'm will to accept that, I worry that they may have other children and I cannot accept and will not accept, there would be no place for me in that. So it is all very scary. The one thought that helps me is when I ask myself what the alternative is. Do you want to be with your W and things continue how they were? I know my H and I couldn't continue with things the way they were so I know that the S is the only choice I really have since H doesn't seem to want to do what it takes to make the marriage work.
Good luck, stay busy and active, and it will get better.
Last Sunday, the day she dropped me off at the Air Port. On her way home she had a bad accident and smashed her car. She was not injured nor was anyone else. I wish I could be there for her.
I'm sorry to hear about the accident. I know if my H got into an accident I would have been burning inside to be there for him. It's a shame that we can't. But I guess all we can do is love them from a distance.
