Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy She can't make up her mind

I couldn't afford to let her move out and me stay in the apartment alone. I don't make enough money.

She finally understood today that what she is doing by in this triangle is wrong.

She decided she is not ready to work on the marriage so she is off on her own.

I have lost.

Me: Is this going to be a more productive part of the separation than the last 6 horrifying months? For you I mean?

Her: the past 6 months I've been trying to get my head straight and move on. I wasn't working on the relationship, or saving anything. You knew that clearly and I know you were trying to save it, but I wasn't, now I want to believe you, but you need to show me that i can.

Her: I am considering that this might not be over and that you deserve a chance to prove that you mean it

Me: THAT IS BIG!

Her: I am however with someone else and i will need to sort that out, but that's not your issue.

Me: It effects what you decide no matter how I succeed at being financially stable and emotionally less needy.

Me: It is the scary part to me.

Her: It shouldn't be because it only impedes your success and you don't have control over that, other than succeed yourself

Me: Quoted from you " I am considering that this might not be over and that you deserve a chance to prove that you mean it" whether I do or not you may end up with someone else and as you say "you don't have control over that".

Me: that is the paradox that scares me.

Her: you can either be scared and not do anything, or go forward and trust me

Me: lol

Me: I am going forward because I have no choice. It is more like I need to pray I get my way than trust you. It isn't about your trustworthiness it is about the strength and value of your bond with me vs. your bond with him.

Me: I know how strong and important the bond is between you and me but I know nothing of your bond with him except that you are back with him after more than 5 years of being with me. so I am concerned.

Her: don't be. As you said, I didn't marry him.

What does that mean Pup?

This is a Divorce Busting website. That being the case, I think I still want to save my marriage. Wife has stated in conversation over the past week that she is trying to end the affair and stay friends with him. She has stated that if I establish a place for her to live with me in the other city that she might be interested in joining me and wants to have a family with me.

I confronted her about her splitting her time between the two of us and it resulted in the decision that we need to separate again!!!!!!

So we are going to separate. I am angry, hurt and jealous. I feel she chose him over me. I know I can forgive her if she wanted to come back but can't hang around her while she messes with all 3 of our heads.


I was hoping for some help in fixing my marriage.

Bariga,

Puppy's comment didn't really mean anything really...apart from your W's mind is messed up with ahving friendship with OM still. She is in effect playing you off against one another.

Really you must look at your W's actions and not her words.

Also, please remember that whatever the outcome you need to be strong and survive.

Now think about this....your W is quite correct, she didn't marry him, she married you. Now why would that be? What made them split last time? Whatever it is is likely to do it again in the future....and I would guess the not too far future as they have previous form and will get to the 'familiarity breeding contempt' bit pretty quickly - the romantic high's, I would have thought, will be a faster stage for them than two relative strangers that have got together. Does this make sense?

Hold your course. be decisive. Your W seems to be looking at you to see you 'man up' and be responsible. Not keep questioning her every move.

If YOU want to move someplace new and that will benefit you then DO it. I am sure if it will benefit you then it should only benefit your M and make the chances that your W comes back to you higher. If she doesn't come back then you are in a better position for you anyway.

BTW, Puppy is away this weekend at a marital retreat with the Retrouvaille organisation. It might be worth looking up their details yourself as they could help your M too.

I know this is so very hard and I am sorry this is happening.

Thanks Saffie!

I have worked on this for 6 months and got back into the home and she agreed to M therapy. I confronted him by telling him I am back and she was faced with "doing something". So we are back where we started except this time she feels like we have a chance.

Bariga, there is no way your W is going to be able to end her A while staying friends with the OM. This whole notion that she has to "sort it out" is just a stalling tactic on her part. Sort it out? Here's how she can sort it out: End the affair and have no contact with the OM. Period. Anything short of that and you can expect her A to continue for many months ahead.

You did the right thing by confronting your W about her splitting time between you and the OM. You took a stand. She was cake eating, big time, and she was disrespecting you every single day she went back and forth between you and the OM.

I think that your W wants you to move to this other city so she can have her A without you in the picture at all. And she's also asking you to set up a situation where she could join you if she wants to. If you do that, then congratulations, you will have become your W's safety net if the relationship with the OM doesn't work out. If you're OK with that, then by all means, go for it. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I took that stance, but some guys are able to suck it up and do that. Do what you feel is right.

But I do think that right now you need to go dark with your W. Stop talking about the M and work on yourself. Your W even told you to do that. She said that you have no control over her relationship with OM and that worrying about it only hinders your success. So forget about the affair, forget about your W (for now), and work on yourself! Become financially stable, get your emotions in check (go to therapy, read books, whatever it takes), and become a strong, confident, compassionate man. That isn't going to happen overnight, but you need to start on that road NOW. And when you do see your W, SHOW her the changes in you. Don't waste your time telling her about how you have or will change. She wants to SEE that you've changed, not hear about how you will change.

And stop saying that you have lost. Thinking like that will doom you for sure. You haven't lost. Not by a long shot. The question is, do you have enough fight left in you to keep going? Because you have a very long road ahead if you want to save your M.

STILL,
,
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE SAYING THAT IF I TAKE HER BACK THEN I AM A SUCKER. BUT THEN YOU SAY DON'T GIVE UP?

No not at all! I'm not saying you're a sucker if you take her back. Isn't that what we're all doing on here? Hoping that our spouses will allow us to give them, and our marriages, a second chance?

I'm saying that you shouldn't let her keep cake eating like she is. Don't talk about how you're going to set it up so that she can come live with you in this new city whenever she wants to. If you do that, why wouldn't she explore a relationship with this new guy? She knows she'll always have you to fall back on.

You need to project an image of a man who can and will move on with, or without, your W. Show her that you are a strong man, and that you have patience, but that every day that goes by without her cutting off contact with the OM is a day that you lose some of that patience. And that one day you won't be there to take her back. That day has not come, but it will one day if she continues her A.

The main thing you need to do right now is to work on yourself and go dark, or at least dim, with your W. You can't control her, but you can state your boundaries, go dark, and GAL.

I flew into a rage last night when W didn't come home. I called OM threatened him.

I blew it. There is no redemption after this.